I am 38 yrs old. I met my husband at the school back home, another country 12 yrs ago. We were in a hiking group. We started dating and there was no chemistry between us. But he was so sweet, caring and nice guy. I told him I thought it was not going to work between us. He accepted. After 2 weeks, talking to family members and friends and having their ideas that how sweet he is and I might miss a good opportunity for a marriage, I changed my mind and contacted him. We started going out again. Those bad feelings came back again but I only ignored them and tried to focus to the good things. Anyway, we had many things in common but not lovers at all. we didnt have sex before to get married. I think I was depressed and numb and thinking things will change eventually. We didnt have sex for the long time as I just couldnt. We got so busy with work, family things and immigration to the north america. Life was so hectic and we were just trying to solve outside pr oblems together. We got here and started graduate studies and both got highly educated. During the years, I was mostly masturbating. But sometime the hate and resentment was so high deciding to leave him. But I was feeling he is the only one who can support and help me in a foreign country. Then I was staying.Things was so tense between us but as he was so calm and nice we could managed to survive. He got a job in another city but I could not go as I wasnot done with my graduate studies. I was alone for along time and met a guy and there WAS the time my sexual side got awaken. I had an affair and got so dependent to him. But after thinking deeply I ended it and told nothing to my husband as I was sure he would be hurt badly and got crazy. I was very devastated and lonely. I didnt want to ruin his character infornt of the friends and family and talked not even a word about our problems to them. Now we live together, we talk about sport, politics, work,etc nothing more. And as he is very weak sexually, we have sex once a month for less than 3 min and at end he apologizes he can not hold it more and most of times I keep quite. My family members think he is a great man ,he really is honest, easy-going ,and kind person. and they insist me to have a kid and you dont know how it hurts . He and me have talked about it several times without conclusion. He claims he is under stress most of the time and cant perform well in the bed and he needs time to recover. Sometimes, I think if I leave him , I might find someone to satisfy me sexually, but not emotionally and might not be as supportive as he was and I regret more in my life and I have to stay to this life and admit I will be miserable to the end of my life . I need to stop writing as I cant stop crying. Opening up for a first time takes lots of energy. Thanks for your time and really appreciate your advice.
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