I can't stop thinking about a guy who I have realised is just very toxic for me. My old thread is a short example of what he was like http://ift.tt/1gjGh9C
There was obviously alot more to it than that and I have realised he was quite manipulative. The thing is that I cant stop thinking about him. I definitely dont like him. I have just become obsessed with getting some kind of revenge. In theory I know the best 'revenge' is to move on and be happy. But all I keep thinking about is how to show him I am better than him. He put me down so much whilst I knew him.
My friendship/relationship with him has changed my life quite negatively. I am working so hard to gain confidence and luckily got help for an eating disorder quite early. (I went down from 56 kilos to 48 being 5'4 and lost my period, because I felt so insecure and unhappy with myself).
The worst thing is that I dont want to care! I am now obsessed with trying to look and be good enough. I feel disgusted with myself for letting him still have power over me and these arent things I want to care about because I have never been the type of person to value looks so much and in fact, detested how much other people around me would prioritise looks and judge/value others on this. I believe he was very insecure (thought he was fat, hairy and he had balding hair which was also gray at age 25. I now believe he used this complex to drag me down).
Anyway, I dont know what to do to make myself stop. On the one hand i tihnk "give yourself a makeover and you will be happy and then go see him and show how much of a dickhead he is" but on the other I think "wtf, what does it matter, be happy as you are and forget about him!". I try to tell myself that changing myself will make me forget about him.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment