A little over two month ago my wife came to me and out of the blue began naming off a list of everything I had ever did wrong over the last 7 years of our relationship. I listened without speaking because this took me by surprise. She had never acted like this before. Most of the complaints were things I had did 3 to 4+ years ago. We have only been married 2 years. I finished eating and then went to the bedroom where she had returned to. After a few minutes of probing it came out that there was someone else. A man she works with. She clams that is was not physical and I have yet to discover one piece of evidence that confirms it is. So I believe that to be the truth. This was on a Thursday evening. Friday, Saturday and Sunday we tried to spend time together and work on things but there was just no love from her and on Monday she left. She has been staying with family since. We have been to counseling twice but for now the counselor is seeing her individua lly. We didn't get anywhere in the two visits.
My wife says she is confused. She says that she really isn't sure if she likes this guy and that if he were not involved she would have left me anyway and that this is just the result of my past behavior. She says she has fallen out of love with me. She says she does not want a divorce and wants to want to work on our marriage. She did go to counseling but really isn't taking the advice we are given because she does not believe the guy is part if the problem. The only advice she has taken is that she set a date to decide if she wants to move back in and work on the marriage or end it. That date is July 1 2014.
Since she left she has spent maybe two or three nights with me but no physical contact. But one day at the one month mark she stopped by after work and we randomly had sex. It was great but afterward she cried because she felt like she was leading me on and making me feel like everything was okay. That was the only time since she has been gone that we had sex. We are typically seeing each other 4-5 times a week. Eat dinner together hang out with another married couple things like that. She wont let me kiss her on the mouth.
I told her that to help her figure out if she liked this guy or not they could spend sometime together outside of work. Three days later him and her went to dinner when her plans with her girlfriends got canceled. I have few details about the date other than she said it was "fine" and "nothing special". And that he paid for dinner. I don't know if this was a good idea or not. I would like advice on it.
As far as this man is concerned: He is single, 29, lives with his parents, hasn't been in a relationship since high-school and is over weight but working on it. What he has going for him is that he is tall, makes her feel good because he is funny, not so serious like me and has wealthy parents. I do believe that he himself is not as wealthy as my wife thinks. And by wealthy I don't mean rich. Just upper working class. She also believe he would make a better father for her children because he is better with kids than me. He actually seems to be a good guy because he has told her that she needs to go home and work things out with me.
To give you guys some background I'm 23, she is 24. We dated for 5 years and have been married for two. We bought and remodeled our first house a year ago. We have been living in it for 6 months. We lived together at my parents for 3 years or so before moving out. She got her first real job 6 months ago and this is where she met the man. This is the first time she makes enough money to support herself. I have always been the primary provider until now. 5 days before she broke down I passed the exam necessary for me to open a business in my trade. She did not support the idea of me starting a business. Her parents are divorced and have been so since she was a baby. She comes from a very poor single mother family. My parents have been unhappily married for 40 + years and are lower working class.
Since she has left she has spent a considerable amount of money on things I did not approve of. Excessive hair, nail and tanning products and services as well as a few random purchases. She has also given some money away to her family and is now talking about buying a car. I am very conservative as I have had to be to support us, buy us vehicles and a home on my income alone.
So I'm really not sure what questions I need to be asking but here is my goal. I want to save my marriage and I would like to do so with the help of you good people here.
My initial questions are:
From what you read above what have I done wrong and what do I need to do different?
I feel like I need to make some kind of a bold move to snap her back into reality. But I don't know what and I'm scared of it backfiring.
Thank you for your responses. Ask me questions to help you give me good advice.
My wife says she is confused. She says that she really isn't sure if she likes this guy and that if he were not involved she would have left me anyway and that this is just the result of my past behavior. She says she has fallen out of love with me. She says she does not want a divorce and wants to want to work on our marriage. She did go to counseling but really isn't taking the advice we are given because she does not believe the guy is part if the problem. The only advice she has taken is that she set a date to decide if she wants to move back in and work on the marriage or end it. That date is July 1 2014.
Since she left she has spent maybe two or three nights with me but no physical contact. But one day at the one month mark she stopped by after work and we randomly had sex. It was great but afterward she cried because she felt like she was leading me on and making me feel like everything was okay. That was the only time since she has been gone that we had sex. We are typically seeing each other 4-5 times a week. Eat dinner together hang out with another married couple things like that. She wont let me kiss her on the mouth.
I told her that to help her figure out if she liked this guy or not they could spend sometime together outside of work. Three days later him and her went to dinner when her plans with her girlfriends got canceled. I have few details about the date other than she said it was "fine" and "nothing special". And that he paid for dinner. I don't know if this was a good idea or not. I would like advice on it.
As far as this man is concerned: He is single, 29, lives with his parents, hasn't been in a relationship since high-school and is over weight but working on it. What he has going for him is that he is tall, makes her feel good because he is funny, not so serious like me and has wealthy parents. I do believe that he himself is not as wealthy as my wife thinks. And by wealthy I don't mean rich. Just upper working class. She also believe he would make a better father for her children because he is better with kids than me. He actually seems to be a good guy because he has told her that she needs to go home and work things out with me.
To give you guys some background I'm 23, she is 24. We dated for 5 years and have been married for two. We bought and remodeled our first house a year ago. We have been living in it for 6 months. We lived together at my parents for 3 years or so before moving out. She got her first real job 6 months ago and this is where she met the man. This is the first time she makes enough money to support herself. I have always been the primary provider until now. 5 days before she broke down I passed the exam necessary for me to open a business in my trade. She did not support the idea of me starting a business. Her parents are divorced and have been so since she was a baby. She comes from a very poor single mother family. My parents have been unhappily married for 40 + years and are lower working class.
Since she has left she has spent a considerable amount of money on things I did not approve of. Excessive hair, nail and tanning products and services as well as a few random purchases. She has also given some money away to her family and is now talking about buying a car. I am very conservative as I have had to be to support us, buy us vehicles and a home on my income alone.
So I'm really not sure what questions I need to be asking but here is my goal. I want to save my marriage and I would like to do so with the help of you good people here.
My initial questions are:
From what you read above what have I done wrong and what do I need to do different?
I feel like I need to make some kind of a bold move to snap her back into reality. But I don't know what and I'm scared of it backfiring.
Thank you for your responses. Ask me questions to help you give me good advice.
Put the internet to work for you.
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