One year ago I was here praising myself for how I managed to get away from an EA...I decided not to tell my husband "not to hurt his feelings" and started NC with the OM.
Well some of you guys were smarter and anticipated what came next...NC didn't last long. In addition, the problems with my marriage were still there (mostly his distance as he works in another country and only comes home every other weekend) and I did not address those after the EA. Long story short, I began a PA with the OM in March this year which is still going on. No need to tell me how wrong it is and what a bad person I am...no one knows it better than me. Not finding excuses either, I did it, I own it. My husband is a great guy and the OM is very likely a narcissist with some additional disorders (probably I have all that too seeing how self-centered and selfish my behavior has been).
It has been quite a ride...I went through all stages: rationalization - "I'm doing this for me, what he doesn't know cannot hurt him, it's a whole different part of my life, secret and personal. My marriage is doing well, I love him and I don't want to lose him, I want them both, they fill different needs. Once my husband is living at home I will end the affair"; guilt - ended it with the OM countless times always to return; break-down - crashed my car 3 times in the last months/managed to lose a flight while sitting in the gate door last week because I failed to understand it was my name they were calling though I was hearing it...and finally acceptance - my marriage is over and I will just hurt my husband more if I stay with him.
I know what is there waiting for me: chaos, anger from my family for doing this to such a great guy and to my kids, disappointment and a huge deal of hurt. The OM will not have my back and though he thinks he is in love and our future together is all pink I know he will hurt me like none ever before.
That's what strikes me the most...how I know all this and still move forward. I knew exactly what I was doing, what the consequences were and still I decided to do it. I lied to myself when I said I still loved my husband and I was very arrogant when I thought I cannot divorce him, it will crush him, he loves me so. He deserves someone better, who is there for him. My mind is always with the OM, how could I think I was making my husband happy still? I realize this now and I know divorce is the only way. If I could choose I would gladly reconcile and fall back in love with him, but I just don't see how that is possible, no attraction for him and no partner-love, just friend-love...I also went through all the stages sexually from doing it much more with my husband in the beginning of the PA because I was so awakened sexually and also wanted to prove to myself I was still in love with him, to asking him to dim the lights so I could pretend it was the OM till finally last week denying sex because I just couldn't do it. How f%&ed up is that to deny your husband sex because you somewhat feel that would be cheating on the OM??? By the way the OM is single and had a whole bunch of other women when we started the PA and now it's just me...so he's more demanding...now he is jealous of my husband which never happened before. Though he thinks he is a new man, all changed and noble, I know he has an unfaithful nature just like me and it won't be long before he resumes with the others, breaking my heart.
But the OM should be out of this equation...my marriage is over irrespectively of the OM. So my question to you is: should I disclose the affair to my husband or just divorce on other grounds?
Well some of you guys were smarter and anticipated what came next...NC didn't last long. In addition, the problems with my marriage were still there (mostly his distance as he works in another country and only comes home every other weekend) and I did not address those after the EA. Long story short, I began a PA with the OM in March this year which is still going on. No need to tell me how wrong it is and what a bad person I am...no one knows it better than me. Not finding excuses either, I did it, I own it. My husband is a great guy and the OM is very likely a narcissist with some additional disorders (probably I have all that too seeing how self-centered and selfish my behavior has been).
It has been quite a ride...I went through all stages: rationalization - "I'm doing this for me, what he doesn't know cannot hurt him, it's a whole different part of my life, secret and personal. My marriage is doing well, I love him and I don't want to lose him, I want them both, they fill different needs. Once my husband is living at home I will end the affair"; guilt - ended it with the OM countless times always to return; break-down - crashed my car 3 times in the last months/managed to lose a flight while sitting in the gate door last week because I failed to understand it was my name they were calling though I was hearing it...and finally acceptance - my marriage is over and I will just hurt my husband more if I stay with him.
I know what is there waiting for me: chaos, anger from my family for doing this to such a great guy and to my kids, disappointment and a huge deal of hurt. The OM will not have my back and though he thinks he is in love and our future together is all pink I know he will hurt me like none ever before.
That's what strikes me the most...how I know all this and still move forward. I knew exactly what I was doing, what the consequences were and still I decided to do it. I lied to myself when I said I still loved my husband and I was very arrogant when I thought I cannot divorce him, it will crush him, he loves me so. He deserves someone better, who is there for him. My mind is always with the OM, how could I think I was making my husband happy still? I realize this now and I know divorce is the only way. If I could choose I would gladly reconcile and fall back in love with him, but I just don't see how that is possible, no attraction for him and no partner-love, just friend-love...I also went through all the stages sexually from doing it much more with my husband in the beginning of the PA because I was so awakened sexually and also wanted to prove to myself I was still in love with him, to asking him to dim the lights so I could pretend it was the OM till finally last week denying sex because I just couldn't do it. How f%&ed up is that to deny your husband sex because you somewhat feel that would be cheating on the OM??? By the way the OM is single and had a whole bunch of other women when we started the PA and now it's just me...so he's more demanding...now he is jealous of my husband which never happened before. Though he thinks he is a new man, all changed and noble, I know he has an unfaithful nature just like me and it won't be long before he resumes with the others, breaking my heart.
But the OM should be out of this equation...my marriage is over irrespectively of the OM. So my question to you is: should I disclose the affair to my husband or just divorce on other grounds?
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