| My situation is a bit similar to other current threads (by WorkingOnMe and minimouse) in that I'm discouraged about how initiation happens, among other things. My H is passive when it comes to initiation. He usually gives me some hint such as touching my arm or thigh (with very tiny caresses if any), and then he expects me to take over, do foreplay on him, and supply most of the initial passion. Sometimes he initiates by asking me to give him a massage. I enjoy those things, but I don't like being the dominant and more active one. I would rather be taken or seduced in an exciting passionate manner. I cannot initiate, hint, or flirt when I feel like it because then he feels 'pressured' so I have to wait for him to give me the hint that he's interested. He has 'responsive desire' but still has to be in control of the situation. He does become passionate and more active and playful after the first few minutes, so sex is great after we get going. I wish our encounters could be great the entire time, and not sort of disappointing during the first few minutes. Also, I wish his playful manner and interest in me would last after the sex is over. My H has always been LD (except when were dating) but he is more interested in sex recently due to T therapy which is really a blessing for both of us. I am grateful that he is inviting me to seduce him and interested in sex more often now. We spent about 15 years in a mostly sexless marriage (because of his LD, I never turned him down, I am HD) so this is definite progress. Nevertheless I feel only a tiny bit desired and loved by him. I have talked with my H a couple of times and said I would like for him to be more dominant or active when he initiates. He then might remember and up his energy the very next time, but the change doesn't last after that. I told him I'd like him to just 'take me', but he says he just can't do that since at that stage he's not aroused yet, and we have to already be in the middle of things for him to feel desire. He also will only have sex very late at night, about 1-2 hours after I'd rather be asleep. He knows I'd prefer earlier or daytime, but he says he's just not interested at those times. Outside of sex, there is no romance or flirting or couple/quality time spent together. He won't go on date nights or even out to dinner or a movie with me unless with others or our kids (not even on anniversaries). I think he finds me somewhat attractive and enjoys sex with me, and cares about me as the mother of his children but isn't 'in love' with me. I think we have sufficient sexual chemistry since there is attraction and we are very happy during sex. We haven't really argued or had drama or anger in our marriage, but he treats me politely and not warmly, like a roommate and co-parent and nothing more special. He is quite appreciative of the things I do for him sexually and he tells me so when in bed, but those are the only compliments I get. I am jealous of the relationships I read about on TAM where the spouses are best friends, do things together, cuddle, celebrate valentines/anniversaries, go on romantic getaways, etc.. He says he is not interested in going to marriage counseling, reading books on marriage, going on date nights, etc.. He doesn't flirt or act affectionate or want me to do that unless we are already having sex, and says he has no fantasies or things he wants to try. Yes I know I should do the '180', get more of a life, and go out more by myself or with friends, but I find it hard because I work full time, have young kids, and have little energy. As someone on TAM said (Mavash?), the 180 gets old and isn't a way you can live all the time. If I did the 180, my H might get worried and pay more attention to me for a little while, but then he would soon go back to complacency. BTW, I take care of myself and am very slim, but never get the opportunity to dress up or dress sexy for him since we don't go out anywhere and he doesn't like lingerie or flirting. During sex he always cares that I'm satisfied, waits for me to O first, and asks what I want in bed, but only after we are really in the middle of things. The problem is, what I want is for him to act differently during initiation and outside the bedroom, and those things he is not willing to do. In the middle of sex, I'm easy to please and I like any position or anything he does to me. However, he doesn't seem happy if I suggest something that is mostly for women that he doesn't think are necessary like vibrators or lube. He very much wishes I could O from oral sex, but I mostly cannot, but it happens easily for me via PIV. Thus I'm looking for any advice the people on TAM might offer. I love him and would not want to break up our family since we have young kids, but I get depressed that our marriage isn't that close and I can't think of any way to improve it. I'd much rather improve our marriage than end it, and I wouldn't consider leaving for many years until the kids are older. I don't want to give up on my H yet since he is amazing in many ways, extremely smart, good looking, trustworthy, hard-working, and responsible. If I can't have romance with him outside of the bedroom, if I at least had more fulfilling sex, it would be something to be grateful for. Ideas/suggestions? | |||
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