going crazy

Silent treatment: I understand the cycle; If I'm mean it gives him validation for his mean to me. It makes it hard to make up. So I'm trying very hard to not engage in it. My husband is deployed and mad at me so he has not talked to me in a week. He knows this is a issue to me, I have gone so far as to say its my NO, as in the thing he can't do. I feel abandoned and I have to work hard to not become irrational and fearful that he will never come back to me. But I assume he doesn't understand how could he understand, love me and still do it? I had to make the decision to put our 18 year old cats to sleep. It was a decision he did not support. But two vets did. I understand that reacting negatively will not help our situation. But I'm just so very sad and lonely right now. It hurts so much that he could abandon me and our 4 year old son emotionally. But I'm trying to not lash out. I know it will make it worse and validate his silent treatment. But my son keeps asking about the cats and daddy and I'm trying to deal with everything on my own. Its been a very bad week prior to this week of silent treatment. I see he reads my face book posts. I just need someone to talk to. I never use to understand why military wife's cheated. How hard is it to just keep your legs closed? But now I see there are so many factors, no I'm not going to cheat on him. But for the first time in my seven years of marriage. I think I can sympathize with a woman who is lonely wanting someone to listen and getting carried away. I can't talk to my family; we agreed long ago we would not do that for fear of bringing resentment. Many of my friends are married to his co workers, so leaning on their ear would possibly cause work issues. My councilor recently and suddenly had her husband die so she is not practicing. The chaplains I was friendly with have PCS'ed and I'm stuck here.. alone. I'm trying to be a good mother still, but I forget to eat, I can't sleep. I don't want any man even my husband to do this to me. I'm going through the motions; I get up at 6 am walk with my child and a group of friends. The exercise helps.. But then I go home and just feel empty and overwhelmed again. Next thing I know hours have passed. This can't be good for our son. I know I'm not taking care of him the way I once did. This is my third time going through a deployment. I'm not new at this; my husband has never been a great and wonderful emotional pillar. What is wrong with me that I'm taking this so hard?

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