Can't trust my partner after she was abusive even though she has changed

Hi ladies, I'm just looking for somewhere to say stuff I can't speak to anyone about. My partner and I have been together over 2 years and formed a civil partnership last June. We rushed in and I moved away from friends and family to move in with her. Within the first few months we had problems even before we were married. It was a month after our marriage that I realised I was in an abusive relationship. I felt like a bomb had been dropped right in front of me when I realised it. She was controlling and manipulative, she rarely let me out on my own, she usually insisted on driving me somewhere staying with me or picking me up when it suited her, I struggled to make friends and those I did make were so put off by her that they didn't last long. I felt so afraid and so alone it was one of the darkest times of my life. We separated twice - the last time was in January for 3 months but I couldn't move out as I had nowhere to go and I didn't want to go running back home with a failed marriage and people telling me "I told you so". I felt like such an idiot. Also, my partner was waiting for a visa decision based on our partnership and I didn't want to see her deported as I know she loves the UK. Anyway, since we got back together in March things have been much better between us. She went for counselling which really helped. The problem now is I can't really trust what we have now, my feelings for her changed and I'm not 'in love with her anymore. I can't relax and feel secure as I am afraid of ending up trapped in an abusive pattern again. I do love her - has anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice? Thanks Sharon

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