| Sorry reposting with a more proper title. Me - M 33 - W F 28 I don't know what to do, I have been beside myself with grief. I really wish I had found this resource a couple weeks ago, as it may have helped me not accidentally make things worse. The short story: She woke up 3 weeks ago, said she doesn't feel in love with me (the big red flag from MMSL), said she respects me more than anyone in her entire life, but doesn't think she loves me. She recently had a scare from an ovarian cyst, which ended up luckily going away on it's own, when the Dr. originally thought it might be something more serious and scared her pretty badly. She had been having back pain for years. I told her I was willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, we have a 3 year old little girl. Originally she agreed to work on things and get counseling with me, as things have gone over the past 3 weeks she has gotten more cold, all hugging, kissing, "I love yous" and other verbal affection has ceased, and it's like I have a roomate. She now says she does not want to work on anything with me, but when I ask, "so are you divorcing me", her response is "I didn't say that". So confused and hurt! Some backstory: We have been together almost 4 years, this was not a planned marriage, however we didn't feel like it was forced either, we really loved each other and were excited to start our life with our new little girl. We have had what I would consider, normal, marital spats, most often directly associated with her period. Specifically, about 2 days before, almost always. She is a hot head, and her father was a hot head, and I have been straight up screamed at, i mean total loss of control, she has an almost elementary like, "I Hate you", "I never want to speak with you" type vocabulary when she is mad. While I don't enjoy this aspect of her, I know this about her, and try to stand by her and help her through things like this. I can say it definitely has created resentment in me, and I have participated several times more than I ever should have, and when I say nasty things, they unfortunately are more sharp and pointed than a simple "I hate you". I would still say that easily 90%+ of our time is good to great (in my opinion). Several weeks ago, while she was on her period, as we were cleaning one day, she got frustrated and said that I don't do anything for "us". I was blown away by this accusation, as myself, family, and others close to us, have felt and observed that I almost do too much, and get taken advantage of. I have been responsible for the majority of my daughters care over her first 3 years, my wife worked retail years 1-2 and would regularly get home at 10pm or later on closing shifts, and if we were lucky we would have 2 Sundays a month together, most of the time less, my daughter was in my care on all of these weekends, after I worked a long week. I am the one who never got a break. On her weekdays off, she would take our daughter to school/daycare anyway. This always bothered me, and caused several arguments. She claimed it was to keep our daughter on a schedule and so she could clean, etc, but mo st of the time, she never cleaned, and would go shopping, get lunch etc... She has had the audacity to say things during fights, that because she is the mother, and carried our daughter 9 months, she is the primary caregiver etc... To be honest, she doesn't help much around the house, she is consistently tired enough to goto bed by 7 or 8pm, and I make this happen for her. I tell her "no worries I will take care of everything". If some of this rambles on, I apologize, I am so lost as a person right now. On the day she made the insenuation that I did nothing for "us", she informed me that while she respects me, more than anyone in the entire world, she doesn't think she loves me anymore. Queue the alarms, panic attacks, anxiety, and grasping/holding on tighter than ever that has probably resulted in driving her further away then ever. She said she needed space to figure things out, I was raised that you never, ever let a problem fester, and never goto bed mad, etc, etc. So I went into "fixing" mode, which only has served to allow her to blame me for not giving her space and making her more angry than ever. She went from saying she wanted to work on things for our daughter and get counseling to now saying she doesn't want to work on anything with me. She has been ridiculously cold to me. She now works M-F but is out of town 1-3 days a week, overnight. Before she left on Sunday, I tried to say "I love you" and give her a hug before travel, to be a good example to our dau ghter. I was physically, lighly shoved off and given a death stare when she got to the door. I have since read about 180, and have made an appointment to see an MC. I question now wether to even ask if she wants to go, or just go for me. I have a lawyer friend, and he recommended based on some of her language, and threats to be "nasty" that at the very least I see a lawyer and get stuff in order. She also transferred money out of our joint account, into her personal account, in case she "needs to find a place for her and our daughter". Yet she is still in our home, and still calls me when she needs something. There is not much talking other than that going on, when I broach the subject of "What is going on with us", i get instant anger. She says I am the best dad she has ever seen and would never keep our little girl from us. She recently got scared by an ovarian cyst and I am wondering if I am dealing with a young MLC or WAW. Edit: My biggest problem with this whole thing, is I just can't grasp the idea of divorce. I give my daughter and wife 150% effort and go above and beyond any time I can. My daughter deserves 100% of my time, not 50%. I work with her, I teach her, I give her everything. Her mom believes an iPad is an acceptable substitution for her (wife's) attention. I just don't believe the same, and I have this horrible fear of a court's bias for a mother and daughter. Additionally, I am not sure either one of us has enough money to let it goto court, and I can't see her agreeing that I am in a better situation for our daughter (even though my job is set 8:30-5:30 M-F, with no traveling), and I feel I put far more effort into our daughter than she does. She is a person very conscious of judgement and would never let herself be viewed as the failing, or less than 50% parent. I just wanted to start this thread, maybe even almost as a diary and for feedback. | |||
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