For quite a long time my wife and I have been wrestling with how to talk to each other. It's not going well and we have very little trust, our marriage is on very rocky ground. I am trying hard to give my wife what she is asking for, but there's one place I have a very hard time with. I'm not sure if her request is reasonable. I'm not sure if my desire is reasonable. I'd like to know how it works in a good marriage.
What happens is, we get into an argument, my wife's feelings get hurt, and she wants me to make her feel heard about whatever I did. Then, after I do, she wants the conversation to end. I understand making her feel heard and I think that (some times anyway!) I do a good job at that. But I have a hard time with the conversation ending.
I often have feelings of my own. During the argument she may have hurt me, or she may have said something that really hurts during the period when I'm listening and making her feel heard. So, I also want to feel heard. But when I ask for that, she says that it makes her feel like I never heard her in the first place.
So, either I listen and make her feel heard and say nothing about my own pain, which usually means I feel pretty bad afterwards, or I do say something about my own feelings and then she feels unheard.
I don't think it's healthy for just one person to be heard, and I assume that if you get to the point where you are arguing with your spouse then both people are already feeling hurt. I think both people need to be heard--it seems wrong to me to have just one person be heard (and yes, if I bring up something to my wife and she listens to me, I will listen to her as well.)
I have my point of view but I know i could be totally wrong. Should I be working harder to just listen, and not try to express my feelings? How can I express my feelings and not have my wife feel unheard? Anybody out there good at navigating this?
Thanks.
What happens is, we get into an argument, my wife's feelings get hurt, and she wants me to make her feel heard about whatever I did. Then, after I do, she wants the conversation to end. I understand making her feel heard and I think that (some times anyway!) I do a good job at that. But I have a hard time with the conversation ending.
I often have feelings of my own. During the argument she may have hurt me, or she may have said something that really hurts during the period when I'm listening and making her feel heard. So, I also want to feel heard. But when I ask for that, she says that it makes her feel like I never heard her in the first place.
So, either I listen and make her feel heard and say nothing about my own pain, which usually means I feel pretty bad afterwards, or I do say something about my own feelings and then she feels unheard.
I don't think it's healthy for just one person to be heard, and I assume that if you get to the point where you are arguing with your spouse then both people are already feeling hurt. I think both people need to be heard--it seems wrong to me to have just one person be heard (and yes, if I bring up something to my wife and she listens to me, I will listen to her as well.)
I have my point of view but I know i could be totally wrong. Should I be working harder to just listen, and not try to express my feelings? How can I express my feelings and not have my wife feel unheard? Anybody out there good at navigating this?
Thanks.
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