Although I miss sex a lot, the hardest thing for me is not feeling close to my wife. My wife claims that she is trying to be closer to me but I don't feel it and she seems to be okay with not being close. Going without sex is very difficult for me but not being close to my spouse makes it impossible for me to be happy. I know that I am giving up a lot by staying in this marriage (and I won't stay forever without changes) but I wonder if LD spouses realize what they are potentially giving up as well.
I think every LD situation is different. My wife does have some health issues that may affect her libido but I feel there is much more to her withdrawal emotionally from me. I have discussed this before and I believe some of my wife's issues stem from some emotional abuse (not sexual) she experienced from a relative as a teenager. This needs to be addressed in counseling and she has agreed to go again. We have gone before and she dropped out. This next time will be it for me. I will leave if there is no improvement in the marriage. My wife is from Asia and her culture is very resistant to any type of counseling but I have told her that counseling is for the both of us and I will not stay in a marriage without intimacy.
My wife used to like sex. She no longer needs it and she has failed to see how this affects me and makes me feel. We all have a need to be loved and desired and most men cannot feel that without physical intimacy. So many LD spouses just don't understand this. I realize that there are LD men as well but this is much less common, although I know it is equally painful for the spouse. I think that many LD spouses feel that they are not giving up much since they don't need sex. But they are giving up so much more, the chance at an unbelievably close relationship, the best thing there is.
I understand that some people have sex and are not close and others don't have sex and are close but for the most part physical intimacy will make people closer and lack of it will make people less close.
When my wife withdrew from me, I was going through a difficult time. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier. She did not live nearby and lived alone. I visited my mother often and cared for her as much as I could. I was very close to her and as her situation deteriorated over the next several years until she passed away, it was very painful for me.
One thing I did was attend support groups with her when I could. Some would come alone and that was sad but there were many couples there, some of whom were young. One member of the couple had received a devastating diagnosis and the other was there for support. What I saw there was beautiful. I saw an unbelievable love and closeness among those couples. I saw the strength and lessening of fear that the ill spouse seemed to have, most likely as a result of having a loving spouse, someone who made them feel loved and desired.
I will never forget that. Am I reading too much into that? What does sex have to do with that? Well, these couples were obviously very close before the diagnosis, making it easier to go through such a trying time. I sensed that they could face this better and things were less difficult because of the love they felt for each other.
Is all of this obvious? Well, it is to me. Don't let closeness go away in your marriage or relationship. Most men cannot feel the closeness and love of their partner without physical intimacy. If you are not close before a difficult time in your marriage, how will you become close after something bad happens? Most of us want an very close relationship with our partner. I would want a relationship as close as those couples I saw in the support group. If you are an LD spouse, think of how lack of intimacy affects your partner. Also, think about what you are giving up as well.
I think every LD situation is different. My wife does have some health issues that may affect her libido but I feel there is much more to her withdrawal emotionally from me. I have discussed this before and I believe some of my wife's issues stem from some emotional abuse (not sexual) she experienced from a relative as a teenager. This needs to be addressed in counseling and she has agreed to go again. We have gone before and she dropped out. This next time will be it for me. I will leave if there is no improvement in the marriage. My wife is from Asia and her culture is very resistant to any type of counseling but I have told her that counseling is for the both of us and I will not stay in a marriage without intimacy.
My wife used to like sex. She no longer needs it and she has failed to see how this affects me and makes me feel. We all have a need to be loved and desired and most men cannot feel that without physical intimacy. So many LD spouses just don't understand this. I realize that there are LD men as well but this is much less common, although I know it is equally painful for the spouse. I think that many LD spouses feel that they are not giving up much since they don't need sex. But they are giving up so much more, the chance at an unbelievably close relationship, the best thing there is.
I understand that some people have sex and are not close and others don't have sex and are close but for the most part physical intimacy will make people closer and lack of it will make people less close.
When my wife withdrew from me, I was going through a difficult time. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier. She did not live nearby and lived alone. I visited my mother often and cared for her as much as I could. I was very close to her and as her situation deteriorated over the next several years until she passed away, it was very painful for me.
One thing I did was attend support groups with her when I could. Some would come alone and that was sad but there were many couples there, some of whom were young. One member of the couple had received a devastating diagnosis and the other was there for support. What I saw there was beautiful. I saw an unbelievable love and closeness among those couples. I saw the strength and lessening of fear that the ill spouse seemed to have, most likely as a result of having a loving spouse, someone who made them feel loved and desired.
I will never forget that. Am I reading too much into that? What does sex have to do with that? Well, these couples were obviously very close before the diagnosis, making it easier to go through such a trying time. I sensed that they could face this better and things were less difficult because of the love they felt for each other.
Is all of this obvious? Well, it is to me. Don't let closeness go away in your marriage or relationship. Most men cannot feel the closeness and love of their partner without physical intimacy. If you are not close before a difficult time in your marriage, how will you become close after something bad happens? Most of us want an very close relationship with our partner. I would want a relationship as close as those couples I saw in the support group. If you are an LD spouse, think of how lack of intimacy affects your partner. Also, think about what you are giving up as well.
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