I'm hoping you all can shed some light on a situation between my boyfriend and myself. We work together and were friendly with each other before we started dating. When we were first together, in the "getting to know you" phase, we talked about how many times we had been in love in the past. My boyfriend detailed each time for me, one time being with a fellow coworker who he never dated but had only been friends with (I'll call her Jen). I argued with him that he couldn't have been in love with someone he had never been in a relationship with and in my mind that's just a crush. He argued that it was definitely love and she made him realize he could "feel that way" again.
A few months later, we are casually dating (not exclusive) and he takes a business trip to the town this woman lives in to a customer that is a mutual customer of theirs. They had dinner together, and he told me that after dinner she invited him back to her place to see her new house (she's married and her husband was away). He didn't hide from me that he was hoping something would happen, but it didn't. This woman is only interested in him as a friend and nothing more.
Fast forward, things got serious with us and we were exclusive, he was scheduled to go back to that customer in her town. The night before I asked him to please not have dinner with her and go out with her (they'd go out and get drunk together) because it made me uncomfortable. We were up the ENTIRE night because he couldn't understand where I was coming from, they were just friends, and nothing had ever happened between the two of them. He said he wouldn't go out with her alone, but there would be 2 other men we work with with him and they would all go out together. I was still not comfortable with that, but he just couldn't understand where I was coming from. After a long night getting nowhere, I got a text from him the next day saying "so X is also asking if we're going out with Jen, so I can't go with them?" What was I supposed to say to that? He knew how I felt and was fighting me on it. I told him to do whatever he wanted. Obviously they all went out and got drunk together.
Since then my boyfriend's best (guy) friend moved to this city as well. We had been in the habit of visiting him and his wife quite often in their old city. Our very first visit to them in their new city (which also happened to be where Jen lived), my boyfriend brought up that he'd like us to all get together with Jen and her husband as well. This once again turned into an issue between the 2 of us because I just didn't understand why he wasn't getting where I was coming from, and why he couldn't just have a professional relationship with her and not personal. From his perspective, he's been friends with Jen for a long time (long before he and I ever got together), nothing has ever happened, and it's not a big deal. From my perspective, my boyfriend was in love with this woman at one time and I'd prefer if their relationship was strictly professional.
Let me note that I am also friendly with Jen. She's a pretty, fun girl and I've gone out with her myself over the years. When she is in our office, she and I are friendly and she's never ever given me a reason to doubt her or her intentions. My issue is strictly with my boyfriend and HIS feelings and what I feel is a lack of respect for MY feelings.
Over the years this issue has just gotten worse and worse. We've had the same argument almost every single time we've gone to visit our friends in Jen's city. I'll go there thinking he understands my issues and we won't be going out with Jen and her husband, but my boyfriend, unbeknownst to me, every single time, tells her we will be there and asks if they want to get together. I find this out when we get down there (it feels like an ambush every time), and we end up fighting about it. At this point he gets very angry and threatens to end our relationship because I'm "abusing" him with this issue and making this girl "more important than she is."
We need some direction because we just aren't able to see this issue from each other's perspectives, and we also don't want to stop visiting our good friends that live in Jen's city! This has been going on far too long. This only comes up as an issue when Jen is around (either in our city or when we are visiting hers), otherwise she is never even a thought for me.
I guess for me the issue is that I don't understand why, for me, he can't just have a strictly professional relationship with Jen. From his perspective, we all work together, I am friends with her too, nothing has ever happened between them and they've been just friends for years, and I should be ok with them being friends and going out with her and her husband when we are in her city.
Am I being unreasonable? He certainly thinks I am and I'm starting to think that maybe I am crazy for feeling the way I feel. This has just come up again over the past few days because my boyfriend was scheduling a trip to that customer in her city and wanted to make it a trip for both of us to go see our friends as well and I told him I'd just prefer to stay home while he went. I was simply trying to avoid the argument again because I know this is Jen's customer as well and they are going to want to get together. He's told me that he can't deal with this anymore and we have to figure it out because it doesn't bode well for our relationship.
Any advice?
A few months later, we are casually dating (not exclusive) and he takes a business trip to the town this woman lives in to a customer that is a mutual customer of theirs. They had dinner together, and he told me that after dinner she invited him back to her place to see her new house (she's married and her husband was away). He didn't hide from me that he was hoping something would happen, but it didn't. This woman is only interested in him as a friend and nothing more.
Fast forward, things got serious with us and we were exclusive, he was scheduled to go back to that customer in her town. The night before I asked him to please not have dinner with her and go out with her (they'd go out and get drunk together) because it made me uncomfortable. We were up the ENTIRE night because he couldn't understand where I was coming from, they were just friends, and nothing had ever happened between the two of them. He said he wouldn't go out with her alone, but there would be 2 other men we work with with him and they would all go out together. I was still not comfortable with that, but he just couldn't understand where I was coming from. After a long night getting nowhere, I got a text from him the next day saying "so X is also asking if we're going out with Jen, so I can't go with them?" What was I supposed to say to that? He knew how I felt and was fighting me on it. I told him to do whatever he wanted. Obviously they all went out and got drunk together.
Since then my boyfriend's best (guy) friend moved to this city as well. We had been in the habit of visiting him and his wife quite often in their old city. Our very first visit to them in their new city (which also happened to be where Jen lived), my boyfriend brought up that he'd like us to all get together with Jen and her husband as well. This once again turned into an issue between the 2 of us because I just didn't understand why he wasn't getting where I was coming from, and why he couldn't just have a professional relationship with her and not personal. From his perspective, he's been friends with Jen for a long time (long before he and I ever got together), nothing has ever happened, and it's not a big deal. From my perspective, my boyfriend was in love with this woman at one time and I'd prefer if their relationship was strictly professional.
Let me note that I am also friendly with Jen. She's a pretty, fun girl and I've gone out with her myself over the years. When she is in our office, she and I are friendly and she's never ever given me a reason to doubt her or her intentions. My issue is strictly with my boyfriend and HIS feelings and what I feel is a lack of respect for MY feelings.
Over the years this issue has just gotten worse and worse. We've had the same argument almost every single time we've gone to visit our friends in Jen's city. I'll go there thinking he understands my issues and we won't be going out with Jen and her husband, but my boyfriend, unbeknownst to me, every single time, tells her we will be there and asks if they want to get together. I find this out when we get down there (it feels like an ambush every time), and we end up fighting about it. At this point he gets very angry and threatens to end our relationship because I'm "abusing" him with this issue and making this girl "more important than she is."
We need some direction because we just aren't able to see this issue from each other's perspectives, and we also don't want to stop visiting our good friends that live in Jen's city! This has been going on far too long. This only comes up as an issue when Jen is around (either in our city or when we are visiting hers), otherwise she is never even a thought for me.
I guess for me the issue is that I don't understand why, for me, he can't just have a strictly professional relationship with Jen. From his perspective, we all work together, I am friends with her too, nothing has ever happened between them and they've been just friends for years, and I should be ok with them being friends and going out with her and her husband when we are in her city.
Am I being unreasonable? He certainly thinks I am and I'm starting to think that maybe I am crazy for feeling the way I feel. This has just come up again over the past few days because my boyfriend was scheduling a trip to that customer in her city and wanted to make it a trip for both of us to go see our friends as well and I told him I'd just prefer to stay home while he went. I was simply trying to avoid the argument again because I know this is Jen's customer as well and they are going to want to get together. He's told me that he can't deal with this anymore and we have to figure it out because it doesn't bode well for our relationship.
Any advice?
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