Hello everyone. It's been a long time since I've been here! I figured I'd come back and give you guys an update, in case anyone was wondering what had become of Mrs. and Mr. C2W.
I finished counseling for my miscarriages in December of 2014. I haven't had any major anxiety or depression in months, although I still suffer from minor issues with both. My counselor said I have minor PTSD, nothing severe enough to require medication, but strong enough to effect me in stressful times. I'm back in school, finishing up my Associates degree and pursuing a certificate as a Medical Assistant. As far as my education and career are concerned, I'm moving forward.
DH and I have been doing mostly well, which is a relief. During the darkest part of the grief from our second loss, I wasn't sure we would make it. But we're still together, we're still very much in love and committed, and we're making progress toward "normal", though I don't think we'll ever be completely "normal" again.
My current issue is that these miscarriages have only heightened my desire to have children, but they have also made me absolutely petrified to try again. Some days I feel strong, like I can brave the risk and take whatever trials may await us if it means a chance at having a baby, but most days I want to run and cower at the idea. I nearly committed suicide twice last year, DH almost had to admit me to an institution because he was afraid of what I'd do to myself...the idea of going back to that life...it triggers panic and anxiety and depression instantaneously. Yet, I still have SUCH a strong desire to be pregnant and have a baby. I see babies and toddlers everywhere I go, and look longingly at them. I hold my friend's babies and they don't want to go back to the own mothers...they cling to me, and it makes me feel like I'm meant to have a baby...
The conflict is continuous, it never fades, and I face it every.single.fricking.day. DH desperately wants kids, and has talked about getting a vasectomy because he doesn't want us to be accidentally put into a situation that could produce another loss, but I can tell he doesn't want to give up hope on us successfully having a child.
We already have plans to adopt at some point. We've known we would since before we married, but my desires go beyond simply having children...It's almost a biological urge...to be pregnant, to feel the life inside of me growing...For the last eleven months, I have been bombarded by friends all getting pregnant, all having babies, posting pictures of their baby bumps, posting pictures of their babies after they're born...and I'm left with nothing by heartache and an empty womb.
Some days I can handle the reality that I may likely not be able to have a biological child. I need to get examined by a doctor and have been meaning to, but our medical coverage changed recently and its been a hassle getting the necessary info. Other days I feel as if I may have to completely abandon this very real and present desire that seems to permeate the essence of who I am. Most days I just try not to think about it, and I take refuge in the loving, caring, supportive, courageous arms of my husband.
Anyway, that's the update. Thank you all for your support, your kind words, your well wishes, and your prayers. No one ever prepares you for something like this, and I have had a hell of a time keeping hold of my sanity. Without my husband, I'd not have made it.
I finished counseling for my miscarriages in December of 2014. I haven't had any major anxiety or depression in months, although I still suffer from minor issues with both. My counselor said I have minor PTSD, nothing severe enough to require medication, but strong enough to effect me in stressful times. I'm back in school, finishing up my Associates degree and pursuing a certificate as a Medical Assistant. As far as my education and career are concerned, I'm moving forward.
DH and I have been doing mostly well, which is a relief. During the darkest part of the grief from our second loss, I wasn't sure we would make it. But we're still together, we're still very much in love and committed, and we're making progress toward "normal", though I don't think we'll ever be completely "normal" again.
My current issue is that these miscarriages have only heightened my desire to have children, but they have also made me absolutely petrified to try again. Some days I feel strong, like I can brave the risk and take whatever trials may await us if it means a chance at having a baby, but most days I want to run and cower at the idea. I nearly committed suicide twice last year, DH almost had to admit me to an institution because he was afraid of what I'd do to myself...the idea of going back to that life...it triggers panic and anxiety and depression instantaneously. Yet, I still have SUCH a strong desire to be pregnant and have a baby. I see babies and toddlers everywhere I go, and look longingly at them. I hold my friend's babies and they don't want to go back to the own mothers...they cling to me, and it makes me feel like I'm meant to have a baby...
The conflict is continuous, it never fades, and I face it every.single.fricking.day. DH desperately wants kids, and has talked about getting a vasectomy because he doesn't want us to be accidentally put into a situation that could produce another loss, but I can tell he doesn't want to give up hope on us successfully having a child.
We already have plans to adopt at some point. We've known we would since before we married, but my desires go beyond simply having children...It's almost a biological urge...to be pregnant, to feel the life inside of me growing...For the last eleven months, I have been bombarded by friends all getting pregnant, all having babies, posting pictures of their baby bumps, posting pictures of their babies after they're born...and I'm left with nothing by heartache and an empty womb.
Some days I can handle the reality that I may likely not be able to have a biological child. I need to get examined by a doctor and have been meaning to, but our medical coverage changed recently and its been a hassle getting the necessary info. Other days I feel as if I may have to completely abandon this very real and present desire that seems to permeate the essence of who I am. Most days I just try not to think about it, and I take refuge in the loving, caring, supportive, courageous arms of my husband.
Anyway, that's the update. Thank you all for your support, your kind words, your well wishes, and your prayers. No one ever prepares you for something like this, and I have had a hell of a time keeping hold of my sanity. Without my husband, I'd not have made it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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