I've posted about this before and the support I received helped me tremendously. So I wanted to start this journal as a way of updating whats going on with me (and hopefully receive continued support).
This is the long version of what I've posted before. This is where I'm coming from up to where I am now.
I am a married woman in my mid twenties. My husband and I were teenage sweet hearts, so we've been together a long time. MOST of the issues we've had between each other either stem from my childhood or are a direct correlation to my family and how they currently treat me.
My father beat me growing up but even worse was the verbal abuse. He left me always feeling like I was the lowest human being, like I could do nothing right, like I wasn't smart enough to do anything and like I deserved the physical and emotional abuse. He would beat me with anything from a dog leash, to a 2x6 board, to those window blind sticks (I'm not sure what they are called). Now that I am out of my parents house and now that I am married my father would never lay a finger on me (my husband would hurt him something awful), but the emotional abuse still continues.
I always wondered when I was little why my mother nevver loved me. I never knew until several years ago that my mother was a psychopath. She told me this herself and when I asked why she said it she said her therapist told her. After researching it it made complete sense. The lack of love from her to me, the not caring about my general well being... it all makes sense now. One of the worst parts about it is the mind games. My mother is thee best manipulator, master of mind games, and lier I've ever had the displeasure of meeting in my life. And while she may be mean to me in private (she is also emotionally abusive towards me), she plays the role of the best mom title to everyone else, including extended family. When she's mean to me, before I leave, she'll have me believing I deserved it or that it is somehow my fault. She loves drama and wrecking havoc and isn't afraid to bring me or my 4 younger siblings into it.
Couple all this with me being in a traumatic experience at 16... it's to much. I learned a few years ago that because of my traumatic experience I have PTSD. And while I've made great improvements since my diagnosis my family still remains a huge trigger for me.
It is these triggers that greatly affect my marriage. It's my mother's mind games, it's the emotional abuse from both of my parents. It leaves me feeling like no one can be trusted and like I must leave town to avoid further harm. There have already been several occasions where I attempted to leave everyone behind, including my husband.
I don't want to be this way. I love my husband very much but I can't help how my family affects me.
At this point I am trying to discontinue contact with my parents and siblings by leaving town. We are planning on leaving town together, we just need to get all of our ducks in a row first. So until that can happen (hopefully this summer) I am trying to keep the peace and make it to the end of what feels like a very long nightmare.
This is the long version of what I've posted before. This is where I'm coming from up to where I am now.
I am a married woman in my mid twenties. My husband and I were teenage sweet hearts, so we've been together a long time. MOST of the issues we've had between each other either stem from my childhood or are a direct correlation to my family and how they currently treat me.
My father beat me growing up but even worse was the verbal abuse. He left me always feeling like I was the lowest human being, like I could do nothing right, like I wasn't smart enough to do anything and like I deserved the physical and emotional abuse. He would beat me with anything from a dog leash, to a 2x6 board, to those window blind sticks (I'm not sure what they are called). Now that I am out of my parents house and now that I am married my father would never lay a finger on me (my husband would hurt him something awful), but the emotional abuse still continues.
I always wondered when I was little why my mother nevver loved me. I never knew until several years ago that my mother was a psychopath. She told me this herself and when I asked why she said it she said her therapist told her. After researching it it made complete sense. The lack of love from her to me, the not caring about my general well being... it all makes sense now. One of the worst parts about it is the mind games. My mother is thee best manipulator, master of mind games, and lier I've ever had the displeasure of meeting in my life. And while she may be mean to me in private (she is also emotionally abusive towards me), she plays the role of the best mom title to everyone else, including extended family. When she's mean to me, before I leave, she'll have me believing I deserved it or that it is somehow my fault. She loves drama and wrecking havoc and isn't afraid to bring me or my 4 younger siblings into it.
Couple all this with me being in a traumatic experience at 16... it's to much. I learned a few years ago that because of my traumatic experience I have PTSD. And while I've made great improvements since my diagnosis my family still remains a huge trigger for me.
It is these triggers that greatly affect my marriage. It's my mother's mind games, it's the emotional abuse from both of my parents. It leaves me feeling like no one can be trusted and like I must leave town to avoid further harm. There have already been several occasions where I attempted to leave everyone behind, including my husband.
I don't want to be this way. I love my husband very much but I can't help how my family affects me.
At this point I am trying to discontinue contact with my parents and siblings by leaving town. We are planning on leaving town together, we just need to get all of our ducks in a row first. So until that can happen (hopefully this summer) I am trying to keep the peace and make it to the end of what feels like a very long nightmare.
Put the internet to work for you.
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