Hi,
My wife and I are great together. However, we always get stuck in the same argument which has gotten repetitive at this stage in our life. We go great for a couple of months and then the vicious argument cycle starts up again. We have had this fight so many times now that it is just draining us to the point where we just both break down and even have discussed divorce / marriage counselor at this point.
I think the beginning of our issue comes from each of us speaking different love languages. My wife is very emotional and is very affectionate in terms of kissing/hugging whereas I'm not like that. When she shows me affection, I of course reciprocate back but she takes the lead on this. I do show affectionate as well but not at the level as she does. I never was one of those guys that says "i love you" all the time; which I feel most of it comes from how I was raised, so saying it all the time doesn't come as natural to me as it does to her.
We've been together now for 7+ years (married for 2 years), and obviously at the beginning of the relationship sex was not an issue. There was less resentment towards each other and we would always do anything for each other...the word "no" wasn't so easily used when we wanted to do something.
Based on how long we've been together, I can count on 1 hand how many times she initiated sex. Which is fine, she has told me that she doesn't like to initiate sex, which I don't mind doing. In the beginning / middle of the relationship she would barely turn me down when I initiated sex. However, now that we are married when I initiate sex I get turned down more; which in turn makes me feel like sh*t and resentful towards her. Her famous line now is "i'm tired"; my skin actually crawls each time she says that because it feels like she is basically saying "no we're not having sex today so don't try to initiate anything".
I'm sorry to say but as a guy I need sex to feel fulfilled in my relationship. My wife on the other hand needs the emotional affection and doesn't rely on sex as much. If I don't get sex I start to feel distant from her and I don't feel like being very emotional with her. This is what starts our vicious cycle; lack of sex for me & being turned down for sex leads to resentment towards her and makes me be less emotional towards her. Then with me being less emotional with her she becomes resentful towards me because she then doesn't want to have sex with me because it is only way she can get me back to being more emotional.
She always tells me that she doesn't require much and the more emotional affection I give her the more it will make her happy and in return make me happy, but that hasn't been the case. I've tried being very affectionate with her without looking for sex in return and it has been great, but now that she is getting her emotional needs met as days go by and I'm hoping she will initiate sex or not turn me down for trying to have sex by using her "i'm tired" line I start getting resentful again because my needs are not being met now.
I think this cycle stems from us being able to say "no" to each other so easily because it was never like this at the beginning. I'm a very easy going person so if she wants me to hang out with her friends, family, etc. I never put up an argument and always go with the flow. However, I hate the way she reacts to the same situations when they are reversed. Instead of saying, yeah babe I'd love to do that, I get the "do we have to do to that"; which I in turn say don't worry about you can stay home and then she says "no, i'll go; i feel bad" but at that point I feel like saying I don't even want you to go; please stay home if you wanted to go you would have said so at the very beginning.
And it's even been like this a couple times for sex; she would turn me down I would get a little annoyed but accept it at this point in time because it has been like this for a while; so I accept defeat, but then she'll be like okay let's have sex but in the back of my mind this annoys me even more, don't give me pity sex because now you feel bad for turning me down.
She always says that she's a great wife and she thinks of her as above average and wants to be treated like she's above average. I of course don't treat her bad and I'll do anything for her. She says that she tries to cook as often as she can, laundry, make the house look nice, etc...which is great. I also do the man duties of the household as well, but she always says it's never good enough for me. I'm glad that she does these things for the house, but I'm never disappointed if she doesn't cook; it doesn't bother me. I feel like just saying; please initiate sex more with me or don't turn me down so much because that is a big need in my life that I need fulfilled to feel more connected to you.
I'm sorry for this rant...I went all over the place.
However, has anyone gone through the same issues I'm going through? How did you break this vicious cycle?
Thanks!
My wife and I are great together. However, we always get stuck in the same argument which has gotten repetitive at this stage in our life. We go great for a couple of months and then the vicious argument cycle starts up again. We have had this fight so many times now that it is just draining us to the point where we just both break down and even have discussed divorce / marriage counselor at this point.
I think the beginning of our issue comes from each of us speaking different love languages. My wife is very emotional and is very affectionate in terms of kissing/hugging whereas I'm not like that. When she shows me affection, I of course reciprocate back but she takes the lead on this. I do show affectionate as well but not at the level as she does. I never was one of those guys that says "i love you" all the time; which I feel most of it comes from how I was raised, so saying it all the time doesn't come as natural to me as it does to her.
We've been together now for 7+ years (married for 2 years), and obviously at the beginning of the relationship sex was not an issue. There was less resentment towards each other and we would always do anything for each other...the word "no" wasn't so easily used when we wanted to do something.
Based on how long we've been together, I can count on 1 hand how many times she initiated sex. Which is fine, she has told me that she doesn't like to initiate sex, which I don't mind doing. In the beginning / middle of the relationship she would barely turn me down when I initiated sex. However, now that we are married when I initiate sex I get turned down more; which in turn makes me feel like sh*t and resentful towards her. Her famous line now is "i'm tired"; my skin actually crawls each time she says that because it feels like she is basically saying "no we're not having sex today so don't try to initiate anything".
I'm sorry to say but as a guy I need sex to feel fulfilled in my relationship. My wife on the other hand needs the emotional affection and doesn't rely on sex as much. If I don't get sex I start to feel distant from her and I don't feel like being very emotional with her. This is what starts our vicious cycle; lack of sex for me & being turned down for sex leads to resentment towards her and makes me be less emotional towards her. Then with me being less emotional with her she becomes resentful towards me because she then doesn't want to have sex with me because it is only way she can get me back to being more emotional.
She always tells me that she doesn't require much and the more emotional affection I give her the more it will make her happy and in return make me happy, but that hasn't been the case. I've tried being very affectionate with her without looking for sex in return and it has been great, but now that she is getting her emotional needs met as days go by and I'm hoping she will initiate sex or not turn me down for trying to have sex by using her "i'm tired" line I start getting resentful again because my needs are not being met now.
I think this cycle stems from us being able to say "no" to each other so easily because it was never like this at the beginning. I'm a very easy going person so if she wants me to hang out with her friends, family, etc. I never put up an argument and always go with the flow. However, I hate the way she reacts to the same situations when they are reversed. Instead of saying, yeah babe I'd love to do that, I get the "do we have to do to that"; which I in turn say don't worry about you can stay home and then she says "no, i'll go; i feel bad" but at that point I feel like saying I don't even want you to go; please stay home if you wanted to go you would have said so at the very beginning.
And it's even been like this a couple times for sex; she would turn me down I would get a little annoyed but accept it at this point in time because it has been like this for a while; so I accept defeat, but then she'll be like okay let's have sex but in the back of my mind this annoys me even more, don't give me pity sex because now you feel bad for turning me down.
She always says that she's a great wife and she thinks of her as above average and wants to be treated like she's above average. I of course don't treat her bad and I'll do anything for her. She says that she tries to cook as often as she can, laundry, make the house look nice, etc...which is great. I also do the man duties of the household as well, but she always says it's never good enough for me. I'm glad that she does these things for the house, but I'm never disappointed if she doesn't cook; it doesn't bother me. I feel like just saying; please initiate sex more with me or don't turn me down so much because that is a big need in my life that I need fulfilled to feel more connected to you.
I'm sorry for this rant...I went all over the place.
However, has anyone gone through the same issues I'm going through? How did you break this vicious cycle?
Thanks!
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