Hey All,
I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting on here but I've got nowhere else to turn and I've no idea if I'm even doing it correctly! Fingers crossed eh?
Ok so here goes! I'm a 36 year old woman who is deeply in love with my husband of 18 years. We married young after being childhood friends and went on to have two beautiful children now aged 17 and 14. I've always been quite insecure about my looks and he was the one person I could rely on to tell me I was beautiful and make me feel on top of the world. We had our ups and downs like most people but we laughed together, cried together and were always there for each other- us against the world and we always overcame any problems we had. We rarely argued and if we did it was over trivial things and it was quickly resolved.
About 10 years ago I discovered he was having an online relationship which included declarations of love and sexual content with a woman who lived at the other end of the country from us. I found explicit pictures on his phone and he denied everything until I presented him with the proof. I had always previously trusted him and our phones, emails etc had always been an open book but I realised he began turning his phone off and hiding it in strange places which is what sparked a worry in the pit of my stomach, leading me to check. Anyhow, he admitted everything- he had no choice and even though I was utterly broken, we resolved to give it another go. It wasn't easy. I hated and blamed myself for it happening in the first place, thinking I was too fat, ugly or not interesting enough. Did I give him enough time? Why would he look elsewhere when I was so utterly devoted and would never have done something like that to him? Did he even love me? Was it all a big lie? He told me th at it was not anything I had done or hadn't done and that he loved me more than anything else in the world and he hated himself for his behaviour. He said he didn't even know why it had happened- he just began chatting and craved some attention to boost his self esteem. He had created a whole new persona and a fake history so this person didn't know who he actually was and so it was completely separate from 'our' life. He never planned on me finding out about it and told me he felt guilty every day but craved the attention. I second guessed everything about our relationship and went through the next few days in a blur of anger, hysteria, self loathing and hatred wondering why MY attention wasn't good enough! We had great times together both emotionally and sexually and we spent most of our time either together or with our children so why? Why ruin everything we had built? I never thought it would happen but we got through it. Slowly, very slowly. I gradually let myself trus t again and to his credit, he held up his hands while I launched every bit of hurt right back at him. He took responsibility for his poor choices and worked hard to build me up again but a little piece of me was missing and I could never fully trust him. That said, he opened his entire life to me and showed me how much he wanted it to work if I was agreeable. He accounted for every minute of his day, answered phone calls and texts immediately and gave me full access to all of his contact accounts. The strange thing was, we were eventually better than ever after having come so close to losing it all. The last couple of years have been our best yet. Until yesterday. I was clearing out his old phone (with his permission) as we were giving it away and something about his behaviour set me on edge. I firmly believe in gut instinct and whereas it had never crossed my mind until that point, I checked his emails for the first time in several years.
I found recent correspondence from a chat room user along with an explicit photo and my world imploded for the second time. We were all in the living room and my son had a friend round so it took everything I had not to break down there and then. I looked at him as I left the room and went upstairs and he knew. He knew he had undone everything we had built, for a second time. He followed me upstairs and in-between the shaking and the tears, I showed him the phone. He just looked helpless. I'm certainly not defending him but I actually felt sorry for him. I was in utter shock- everything passed in a blur then the anger and emotion kicked in. All of those supressed fears and emotions that I had managed to bury for the last ten years, came flooding to the surface and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe it was happening again. I kept asking him why and he said he didn't know why and that he had a problem. I don't know if this is a cop out or a real issue as I thought we were happy again. Sometimes I feel that he has equally low self esteem and that he is subconsciously trying to self destruct but that may all be bull and I may be yet another desperate fool. I can't imagine life without him as we are so happy when we are together. We have the same friends and are very sociable when we are out and come as a package. We have two amazing, well adjusted children and it would break their hearts if they knew what was going on. Again, it is an online affair and some of you may feel that is not as damaging as a physical affair but I would disagree. My best friend, lover and soul mate has betrayed me again. I'm very open minded- I would even consider sharing in this fantasy alongside him as I can imagine what the appeal of flirting online would be like even though I have never cheated myself and wouldn't do that to another human being but I would be willing to try. The thing that hurts the most is the deceit of hiding this from me and that I'm someho w not fulfilling my husbands needs. Why isn't the attention that I give him, enough? I tell him I love him every day, we cuddle up and have romantic nights, we share similar hobbies and friends and we work well together in the bedroom- if anything, I'M the more adventurous one. He confides in me about everything and I him but this barrier between us is here to stay and I hate him for doing this to us. He offered to leave saying he can't believe how much he's hurt me and I took that as him WANTING to go. He said he has never wanted anything but us in 'real life' yet he still goes looking for a cheap thrill. I'm now wondering if it's all worth it? I've read so much on here that basically states second chances are fine but no third chances and I wonder if I'm being a complete mug in still holding a little bit of hope that this can be repaired. Is he really sorry or just sorry he got caught? He say's he looks for attention when he's feeling low and I'm pretty sure there has neve r been anything physical with anyone but now I'm worrying about everything and that I'm just another fool that had the wool pulled over her eyes by the person she trusted the most. Am I a laughing stock? You tell me. I don't want to talk to friends or family about this as I still don't want people thinking badly of him even after everything so I've joined here, looking for some guidance. I don't even hate him. I just feel a little bit more of me has died inside and I don't know where to go from here. He deleted his email account straight away and gave me his phone but there will always be that temptation out there and it's easy to set up another email address- I would never know. I'm worried I will either drive myself mad or that everything will go well and then he will do it again. I can't waste another twenty years of my life but I don't want to throw it away if there's even a tiny chance it can be saved. We have made so many plans for the future- right into growing old to gether and where to take any grandchildren. I don't think he would ever leave me unless I forced the issue and I know he is genuinely devastated as I told him last time that I would never stand for it again. He is prepared to accept the consequences but that is also messing with my head as I'm thinking does he WANT me to set him free? He insists that's not the case and to be fair he could have walked on many occasion, this being the perfect opportunity but he says wants to make it up to me even though he knows he doesn't deserve another chance. I'm so confused, I love the bones of this man and I can forgive the contact but I can't forgive the deceit. I would sooner deal with an ugly truth than a beautiful lie. I know it would be a long process to regain any trust whatsoever, never mind any intimacy as I feel even more worthless but on the flip side, I am stronger as a person and maybe even expected him to have a relapse at some point. I know I would be just fine on my own an d I have a great network of friends and family who would support me but I also know how well we work together as a couple and a family. You may think I'm fooling myself but there was genuinely nothing wrong in our day to day lives and even he agrees and can't pinpoint any reason for his behaviour other than attention seeking and sexual gratification despite never physically meeting any of these women. I'm hurting so much but I'm slightly hardened to it now. I get panicky when I think about it and didn't sleep at all last night topped off with random bursts of crying at work today but I know I will survive regardless and that if we do reconcile, it will be on my terms but is that enough? I believe in my marriage vows and he does to some extent as he is adamant he would never physically cheat but what kind of life will it be if I'm always paranoid? Or does he truly mean to try and repair the damage no matter how difficult it may be? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
If you've managed to get to the end of this rant then please pat yourself on the back as I just couldn't stop typing once everything started flowing. Apologies for any typo's- my tears are flowing too!
Any advice, most gratefully received.
I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting on here but I've got nowhere else to turn and I've no idea if I'm even doing it correctly! Fingers crossed eh?
Ok so here goes! I'm a 36 year old woman who is deeply in love with my husband of 18 years. We married young after being childhood friends and went on to have two beautiful children now aged 17 and 14. I've always been quite insecure about my looks and he was the one person I could rely on to tell me I was beautiful and make me feel on top of the world. We had our ups and downs like most people but we laughed together, cried together and were always there for each other- us against the world and we always overcame any problems we had. We rarely argued and if we did it was over trivial things and it was quickly resolved.
About 10 years ago I discovered he was having an online relationship which included declarations of love and sexual content with a woman who lived at the other end of the country from us. I found explicit pictures on his phone and he denied everything until I presented him with the proof. I had always previously trusted him and our phones, emails etc had always been an open book but I realised he began turning his phone off and hiding it in strange places which is what sparked a worry in the pit of my stomach, leading me to check. Anyhow, he admitted everything- he had no choice and even though I was utterly broken, we resolved to give it another go. It wasn't easy. I hated and blamed myself for it happening in the first place, thinking I was too fat, ugly or not interesting enough. Did I give him enough time? Why would he look elsewhere when I was so utterly devoted and would never have done something like that to him? Did he even love me? Was it all a big lie? He told me th at it was not anything I had done or hadn't done and that he loved me more than anything else in the world and he hated himself for his behaviour. He said he didn't even know why it had happened- he just began chatting and craved some attention to boost his self esteem. He had created a whole new persona and a fake history so this person didn't know who he actually was and so it was completely separate from 'our' life. He never planned on me finding out about it and told me he felt guilty every day but craved the attention. I second guessed everything about our relationship and went through the next few days in a blur of anger, hysteria, self loathing and hatred wondering why MY attention wasn't good enough! We had great times together both emotionally and sexually and we spent most of our time either together or with our children so why? Why ruin everything we had built? I never thought it would happen but we got through it. Slowly, very slowly. I gradually let myself trus t again and to his credit, he held up his hands while I launched every bit of hurt right back at him. He took responsibility for his poor choices and worked hard to build me up again but a little piece of me was missing and I could never fully trust him. That said, he opened his entire life to me and showed me how much he wanted it to work if I was agreeable. He accounted for every minute of his day, answered phone calls and texts immediately and gave me full access to all of his contact accounts. The strange thing was, we were eventually better than ever after having come so close to losing it all. The last couple of years have been our best yet. Until yesterday. I was clearing out his old phone (with his permission) as we were giving it away and something about his behaviour set me on edge. I firmly believe in gut instinct and whereas it had never crossed my mind until that point, I checked his emails for the first time in several years.
I found recent correspondence from a chat room user along with an explicit photo and my world imploded for the second time. We were all in the living room and my son had a friend round so it took everything I had not to break down there and then. I looked at him as I left the room and went upstairs and he knew. He knew he had undone everything we had built, for a second time. He followed me upstairs and in-between the shaking and the tears, I showed him the phone. He just looked helpless. I'm certainly not defending him but I actually felt sorry for him. I was in utter shock- everything passed in a blur then the anger and emotion kicked in. All of those supressed fears and emotions that I had managed to bury for the last ten years, came flooding to the surface and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe it was happening again. I kept asking him why and he said he didn't know why and that he had a problem. I don't know if this is a cop out or a real issue as I thought we were happy again. Sometimes I feel that he has equally low self esteem and that he is subconsciously trying to self destruct but that may all be bull and I may be yet another desperate fool. I can't imagine life without him as we are so happy when we are together. We have the same friends and are very sociable when we are out and come as a package. We have two amazing, well adjusted children and it would break their hearts if they knew what was going on. Again, it is an online affair and some of you may feel that is not as damaging as a physical affair but I would disagree. My best friend, lover and soul mate has betrayed me again. I'm very open minded- I would even consider sharing in this fantasy alongside him as I can imagine what the appeal of flirting online would be like even though I have never cheated myself and wouldn't do that to another human being but I would be willing to try. The thing that hurts the most is the deceit of hiding this from me and that I'm someho w not fulfilling my husbands needs. Why isn't the attention that I give him, enough? I tell him I love him every day, we cuddle up and have romantic nights, we share similar hobbies and friends and we work well together in the bedroom- if anything, I'M the more adventurous one. He confides in me about everything and I him but this barrier between us is here to stay and I hate him for doing this to us. He offered to leave saying he can't believe how much he's hurt me and I took that as him WANTING to go. He said he has never wanted anything but us in 'real life' yet he still goes looking for a cheap thrill. I'm now wondering if it's all worth it? I've read so much on here that basically states second chances are fine but no third chances and I wonder if I'm being a complete mug in still holding a little bit of hope that this can be repaired. Is he really sorry or just sorry he got caught? He say's he looks for attention when he's feeling low and I'm pretty sure there has neve r been anything physical with anyone but now I'm worrying about everything and that I'm just another fool that had the wool pulled over her eyes by the person she trusted the most. Am I a laughing stock? You tell me. I don't want to talk to friends or family about this as I still don't want people thinking badly of him even after everything so I've joined here, looking for some guidance. I don't even hate him. I just feel a little bit more of me has died inside and I don't know where to go from here. He deleted his email account straight away and gave me his phone but there will always be that temptation out there and it's easy to set up another email address- I would never know. I'm worried I will either drive myself mad or that everything will go well and then he will do it again. I can't waste another twenty years of my life but I don't want to throw it away if there's even a tiny chance it can be saved. We have made so many plans for the future- right into growing old to gether and where to take any grandchildren. I don't think he would ever leave me unless I forced the issue and I know he is genuinely devastated as I told him last time that I would never stand for it again. He is prepared to accept the consequences but that is also messing with my head as I'm thinking does he WANT me to set him free? He insists that's not the case and to be fair he could have walked on many occasion, this being the perfect opportunity but he says wants to make it up to me even though he knows he doesn't deserve another chance. I'm so confused, I love the bones of this man and I can forgive the contact but I can't forgive the deceit. I would sooner deal with an ugly truth than a beautiful lie. I know it would be a long process to regain any trust whatsoever, never mind any intimacy as I feel even more worthless but on the flip side, I am stronger as a person and maybe even expected him to have a relapse at some point. I know I would be just fine on my own an d I have a great network of friends and family who would support me but I also know how well we work together as a couple and a family. You may think I'm fooling myself but there was genuinely nothing wrong in our day to day lives and even he agrees and can't pinpoint any reason for his behaviour other than attention seeking and sexual gratification despite never physically meeting any of these women. I'm hurting so much but I'm slightly hardened to it now. I get panicky when I think about it and didn't sleep at all last night topped off with random bursts of crying at work today but I know I will survive regardless and that if we do reconcile, it will be on my terms but is that enough? I believe in my marriage vows and he does to some extent as he is adamant he would never physically cheat but what kind of life will it be if I'm always paranoid? Or does he truly mean to try and repair the damage no matter how difficult it may be? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
If you've managed to get to the end of this rant then please pat yourself on the back as I just couldn't stop typing once everything started flowing. Apologies for any typo's- my tears are flowing too!
Any advice, most gratefully received.
Put the internet to work for you.
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