Sorry if this is a bit long winded. Lots on my mind. I am in year 15 of a relationship, 10 years in marriage, two younger kids. And I am generally miserable, to the point I don't know what to do anymore.
It's been a tumultuous relationship since 6 months in. We moved in together after i job offer i got relocated us from her hometown. That stirred up issues of depression that I only began to understand some 10 years after. The short of it, she has been battling some form of depression almost all her life, and starting around 2000 when we moved in together that turned into a full fledged deep depression. From there major typical issues surfaced.
She has deep trust issues. Still to this day she can't trust me, or anyone, since her father essentially abandoned her as a kid. She holds her feelings deep inside, even after 10 years of marriage she still does not talk about all that is bothering her. She has cheated on me, twice. First prior to our marriage (and I only found out after we were married) and again about 18 months ago. She has been on meds for a while now, but has not been doing much good. Many times, like today, she lays in bed, totally disconnected from everything, what little happiness she has is totally drained.
After dealing with this deep depression for about 6 solid years now it's wearing me down. My happiness is being zapped. And being the type of person I am (might as well call it white knight syndrome) it's almost impossible for me to end things.
I just can't get the strength to end it, to move on. I am 41 now, and feel sometimes that the real happiness I could have had is long past.
Why can't I just do this?
It's been a tumultuous relationship since 6 months in. We moved in together after i job offer i got relocated us from her hometown. That stirred up issues of depression that I only began to understand some 10 years after. The short of it, she has been battling some form of depression almost all her life, and starting around 2000 when we moved in together that turned into a full fledged deep depression. From there major typical issues surfaced.
She has deep trust issues. Still to this day she can't trust me, or anyone, since her father essentially abandoned her as a kid. She holds her feelings deep inside, even after 10 years of marriage she still does not talk about all that is bothering her. She has cheated on me, twice. First prior to our marriage (and I only found out after we were married) and again about 18 months ago. She has been on meds for a while now, but has not been doing much good. Many times, like today, she lays in bed, totally disconnected from everything, what little happiness she has is totally drained.
After dealing with this deep depression for about 6 solid years now it's wearing me down. My happiness is being zapped. And being the type of person I am (might as well call it white knight syndrome) it's almost impossible for me to end things.
I just can't get the strength to end it, to move on. I am 41 now, and feel sometimes that the real happiness I could have had is long past.
Why can't I just do this?
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