I walked away from an emotionally abusive mother after 26 years of stress, just under three years ago. It was the hardest decision but I just could not be a victim of it anymore, and didn't want my 5 year old growing up exposed to it either. In the lead up to my decision, having put it off for as long as possible as I dreaded how unpleasant it could be, my husband said he would support me 100% whatever I decided. He agreed that he didn't think that our daughter would ever grow up resenting me for not knowing my mother as firstly, she hadn't grown to know her that much as she didn't live near, plus when she knew the reasons she would understand that we were only trying to protect her. During the last few years she hasn't even asked me once about my mother, and when she used to visit us would always exclaim yippee!, we're free to do what we want now! as soon as my mother left our house.
Yesterday I was not able to make a get together with my dad due to illness but my husband and daughter still visited. Then on the way home, they went a different way, about 20min drive and visited my MOTHER!!!!! What on earth???? The first time of any contact whatsoever from us in about 3 years like I say. They came home in the early evening and said nothing about it, then by lunchtime today I guess my husband was feeling some twinge of guilt as he then told me about it. I was outraged, most of all because I had made a clean break and it was kindest to do that, not drag it all up again. Goodness knows what ideas my mother has in her head now about future visits etc, and no doubt she feels totally validated in her nasty opinions of me by my husband choosing to take some pity on her. I know it's Xmas but even so, by doing what he did it feels as though he has removed his support from me and given it to my mother instead. He was never close to her, didn't see her except at Xmas most years, so really doesn't understand her as a person at all. I am appalled that he made a promise to me to stand by me 100% on this, then goes and does the complete opposite, like it won't drag up any upset for me and we can all play happy families. I had it out with him and didn't mince my words, and had to remind him about what it means to try to recover from abuse. It's no easy thing that's for sure. He eventually apologised and said that he will never do it again, but I am struggling to believe his promises these days.
He promised to go to nz for a career change either as a family, or not at all, and then when unforeseen things happened he went anyway, and told me there was no compromise when I looked for one. Then he promised to discuss a bank loan with me that he had his parents take out on behalf of us for £5,000 to help fund this same career change, and then when he got off the phone with them he had already made the decision. Then there's been a ton of other situations where he's said he would do something and then didn't. Now this broken promise regarding staying away from my mother. I don't expect a perfect husband but I do expect to be treated as though my input matters in things, and to be treated with some dignity rather than walked all over. We've been married for 15 1/2 years and on our last anniversary I got him an expensive computer to play flight simulator on, but for the first year ever, despite it being our 15yr anniversary, he got me nothing. A card yes, but no present, then tried to blame it on me saying I hadn't given him enough ideas. How pathetic!, and he had been off work all week on holiday too. I didn't get any comment at all from him about it on the day, I had to raise the subject myself the next day and point out that it was not my responsibility to sort out his gift to me, it was his.
I am going to sort some counselling for myself in the new year as I so need it. I hope I can rise above all this stuff as Xmas is in just a few days, I will just have to for the sake of my daughter. Does anyone have any advice?
Yesterday I was not able to make a get together with my dad due to illness but my husband and daughter still visited. Then on the way home, they went a different way, about 20min drive and visited my MOTHER!!!!! What on earth???? The first time of any contact whatsoever from us in about 3 years like I say. They came home in the early evening and said nothing about it, then by lunchtime today I guess my husband was feeling some twinge of guilt as he then told me about it. I was outraged, most of all because I had made a clean break and it was kindest to do that, not drag it all up again. Goodness knows what ideas my mother has in her head now about future visits etc, and no doubt she feels totally validated in her nasty opinions of me by my husband choosing to take some pity on her. I know it's Xmas but even so, by doing what he did it feels as though he has removed his support from me and given it to my mother instead. He was never close to her, didn't see her except at Xmas most years, so really doesn't understand her as a person at all. I am appalled that he made a promise to me to stand by me 100% on this, then goes and does the complete opposite, like it won't drag up any upset for me and we can all play happy families. I had it out with him and didn't mince my words, and had to remind him about what it means to try to recover from abuse. It's no easy thing that's for sure. He eventually apologised and said that he will never do it again, but I am struggling to believe his promises these days.
He promised to go to nz for a career change either as a family, or not at all, and then when unforeseen things happened he went anyway, and told me there was no compromise when I looked for one. Then he promised to discuss a bank loan with me that he had his parents take out on behalf of us for £5,000 to help fund this same career change, and then when he got off the phone with them he had already made the decision. Then there's been a ton of other situations where he's said he would do something and then didn't. Now this broken promise regarding staying away from my mother. I don't expect a perfect husband but I do expect to be treated as though my input matters in things, and to be treated with some dignity rather than walked all over. We've been married for 15 1/2 years and on our last anniversary I got him an expensive computer to play flight simulator on, but for the first year ever, despite it being our 15yr anniversary, he got me nothing. A card yes, but no present, then tried to blame it on me saying I hadn't given him enough ideas. How pathetic!, and he had been off work all week on holiday too. I didn't get any comment at all from him about it on the day, I had to raise the subject myself the next day and point out that it was not my responsibility to sort out his gift to me, it was his.
I am going to sort some counselling for myself in the new year as I so need it. I hope I can rise above all this stuff as Xmas is in just a few days, I will just have to for the sake of my daughter. Does anyone have any advice?
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