Today started very well. Nothing unusual. We were going to leave to for a one-night mini retreat the next day so I asked my husband to vacuum the stairs. This has caused mild outrage, as always, and an attempt to move the arduous task to "later".
I insisted. And in addition, I asked him to also vacuum the 2nd floor so that I can wash the floor. He said that he often vacuums the 2nd floor but I never wash the floor. Mind you, our house has 3 floors and 2 bathrooms. I myself always wash all 3 floors and all bathrooms, also do all the cooking and washing the laundry. Vacuuming is the only task that my husband does, and even that task is done as if he does me a personal favor.
So, after he said that I don't always wash the 2nd floor, he got mad and said what else he should be doing. To which I noted that our household responsibilities are not equally allocated and mentioned this unfairness.
Then he got even madder and started saying that does all these other things like working. Well, I also work. So, we both work but all household chores are mostly done by me, so it really hurts that asking to do one task that he is supposed to do, causes such arguing.
We were going to invite my mother-in-law for about 6 months, his mother, a woman with a very difficult character. She came 3 times from abroad and every time left slamming the door. She takes very personally whenever we argue and gets extremely upset and hurt whenever I say things that don't sound pleasing to her (about my husband).
Then he mentioned that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to invite his mom as I am going nag and say that he doesn't do anything and call him "parasite". I mentioned that indeed I don't think I will be able to resist temptation and say that my husband doesn't do stuff and I may be able to call him "parasite". Note: I didn't actually call him "parasite".
Then he got mad and started slamming the kettle and other things. And called me directly a very offensive word, which roughly equivalents to "*****" in English. And left to vacuum. I got very upset and smashed his mug that I gave to him as a present.
He finished vacuum and disappeared somewhere in our big house for a couple of hours. After he came down and I apologized and said that I will buy him a new mug. I also said that I was sorry for breaking his mug, to which he said that "I also broke many other things in his life in addition to his mug.". That was all said after my attempt to reconcile and after my apology
Note he never apologized for the "*****" and even after my apology made me feel as if I was supposed to feel guilty. He continued to keep silent.
The reason I am writing all this is I would like your opinion about what I should do. This pattern goes on and on and on for years.
We have been together for almost 15 years and have 2 small sons. I can count on my fingers how many times he apologized to me even if it was his fault. What usually happens is he keeps silent until I can no longer take it and start talking to him. Whenever I bring up this subject he gets mad and it's impossible to have a normal dialogue with him.
Please let me have your thoughts. How can I show to my husband that I shouldn't be the one who always apologizes and also that he should learn how to forgive.
I insisted. And in addition, I asked him to also vacuum the 2nd floor so that I can wash the floor. He said that he often vacuums the 2nd floor but I never wash the floor. Mind you, our house has 3 floors and 2 bathrooms. I myself always wash all 3 floors and all bathrooms, also do all the cooking and washing the laundry. Vacuuming is the only task that my husband does, and even that task is done as if he does me a personal favor.
So, after he said that I don't always wash the 2nd floor, he got mad and said what else he should be doing. To which I noted that our household responsibilities are not equally allocated and mentioned this unfairness.
Then he got even madder and started saying that does all these other things like working. Well, I also work. So, we both work but all household chores are mostly done by me, so it really hurts that asking to do one task that he is supposed to do, causes such arguing.
We were going to invite my mother-in-law for about 6 months, his mother, a woman with a very difficult character. She came 3 times from abroad and every time left slamming the door. She takes very personally whenever we argue and gets extremely upset and hurt whenever I say things that don't sound pleasing to her (about my husband).
Then he mentioned that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to invite his mom as I am going nag and say that he doesn't do anything and call him "parasite". I mentioned that indeed I don't think I will be able to resist temptation and say that my husband doesn't do stuff and I may be able to call him "parasite". Note: I didn't actually call him "parasite".
Then he got mad and started slamming the kettle and other things. And called me directly a very offensive word, which roughly equivalents to "*****" in English. And left to vacuum. I got very upset and smashed his mug that I gave to him as a present.
He finished vacuum and disappeared somewhere in our big house for a couple of hours. After he came down and I apologized and said that I will buy him a new mug. I also said that I was sorry for breaking his mug, to which he said that "I also broke many other things in his life in addition to his mug.". That was all said after my attempt to reconcile and after my apology
Note he never apologized for the "*****" and even after my apology made me feel as if I was supposed to feel guilty. He continued to keep silent.
The reason I am writing all this is I would like your opinion about what I should do. This pattern goes on and on and on for years.
We have been together for almost 15 years and have 2 small sons. I can count on my fingers how many times he apologized to me even if it was his fault. What usually happens is he keeps silent until I can no longer take it and start talking to him. Whenever I bring up this subject he gets mad and it's impossible to have a normal dialogue with him.
Please let me have your thoughts. How can I show to my husband that I shouldn't be the one who always apologizes and also that he should learn how to forgive.
Put the internet to work for you.
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