Hello people of the Internet :). I apologise if this is long but I am currently in a tricky situation in which I'd like some help. My boyfriend and I have been together 18 months, we lived together for the last 6 months but have recently gone long distance due to other circumstances. The first couple of weeks of LD were really tough, I really missed him and felt a bit lost without him. After a while though, I actually got used to living alone and started to feel really good and independent, like I'd "found myself" again.
This "free" feeling since he's been gone from my life physically made me start to question a few things about our relationship and I researched a few issues online. I came across some information about depression in relationships, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and also forms of emotional abuse and it was quite shocking to read some of these things and think "that sounds really accurate". It's the strangest thing because when we lived together I thought our relationship was great, and I was so in love I think I overlooked how down I was actually feeling and put it down to other things such as stress from work or Uni.
A couple of things I'd like to mention is firstly, he has depression and has done since I've known him. Secondly, I was also diagnosed with depression in September, after living with him for 5 months. The thing that's interesting is my depression has almost completely lifted since living alone. Could it be that the one thing I thought was great, was actually causing me to feel depressed? It's so hard to tell. Also, after reading some things about narcissists, I recognised a few things that seemed to fit the characteristics, but I am unsure whether I'm just being paranoid and making false associations. I've compiled a list of things that happened throughout our relationship and I'd like to know other peoples' opinions on these, whether perhaps they are perfectly normal and I'm just being silly, or whether they may actually be related to NPD/emotional abuse or perhaps the depression:
- - He doesn't seem to have much tolerance for anyone our age. We both met at Uni through mutual friends, and our friends are now just my friends. He stopped socialising with them after a while because apparently he decided they were "stupid, vapid and boring" even though they're just perfectly normal students! He'd always be invited places but he'd ignore them or decline. My friends used to always ask where he was and I'd have to make up an excuse.
- He often brags about how him and his two friends from home get on so well because they can have "intellectual discussion". He also often boasts about how he thinks he is more intelligent than most people and that's why he doesn't get along with them.
- I always felt somewhat inferior because my friends and I like to go out at the weekend to a club and let our hair down. He wouldn't ever belittle me directly, it would always be in a subtle way like "ugh, I don't understand how people can go out and get drunk every weekend, it's so dumb".
- He always used to rave on about how much he knew about politics and religion and how "knowledge is power" and brag about how he spends so much time watching debates so that he can always win an argument.
- He believed his hobbies (playing video games and drumming) were superior, he'd describe them as "complex and challenging". I would play games online with his friends sometimes and he would make remarks to them in front of me like "we need to protect her because she's the weakest member of the team".
- He'd say that I had a bad taste in music, when in fact I liked a lot of the same bands as him. I sometimes enjoy house music as something to have on in the background, he would roll his eyes and say it was "****" and requires "no talent or skill". Then he'd big up his favourite metal bands saying it was "real" music.
- If we argued about something, he'd often sigh and sarcastically laugh and say "you just aren't listening to me, you never listen" or whenever I actually made a decent point that was clear evidence he was in the wrong he'd say "I refuse to continue this conversation" or "please just stop talking".
- Often, arguments would end with me in tears and him storming out and not talking to me for hours (silent treatment). Whenever I tried to go and apologise or calmly talk to him he'd get angry again and tell me "you always prod and pester me until I get angry. You're winding me up on purpose".
- He didn't ever seem to care if he made me upset or cry, he'd just sit there as cold as ice and continue doing whatever he was doing. There was one time I mistakenly made him cry and it absolutely broke my heart. I immediately apologised and held him in my arms for a good half an hour until he was ok. I wouldn't be able to just sit there and watch.
- He berates people for going out and socialising, yet sometimes he'd get upset and tell me he was worried that I found him boring or that I would meet someone who likes to socialise - I don't quite understand this logic?
The thing that's funny is despite all this talk of superiority and intelligence, he hasn't actually got anything to show for it. He only has two close friends, no qualifications, lives with his mum, no job and just plays video games all day. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but then he makes out he's better than me and my friends, when we're the ones who work hard and are studying for degrees! He seems to go through these phases too, when he first started Uni, everything was great and amazing, then after a year everything was ****, he hated it and dropped out. He has started multiple jobs which all start out great and wonderful and he says how much he enjoys it and boasts about his great customer feedback etc then after a few months he'll quit because he suddenly hates it. One of his old managers actually called him to a meeting because he was causing a "fracture" in the team. He gets super enthusiastic about something, saying he's gonna start his own business and do all this great stuff, but never actually does it. He never seems to finish anything, and he'll blame the circumstances or someone else.
I don't get his behaviour sometimes. Are these signs of NPD or maybe just the depression? Maybe bipolar? Have I been emotionally abused? Or is he just a bit bitter and grumpy? I wan't to be able to help him but I'm not sure how to go about it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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