Married two years, together nine, no kids - me 33, her 29. We moved country when we got married; it was hard for me, I fell into work and depression, then our business fell apart, then she moved town to start uni. I didn't follow immediately because I was tired and there wasn't much for me there (there was her - took too long to realise that!). We rejected each other bit by bit and both started acting up a bit during the year that she was away. She saw that I was depressed, I didn't deal with it. She detached, I detached. I stood her up on Valentine's day, which I still feel really bad about. It was meant to be a call for help, but wow, how wrongly articulated that was. She stopped feeling sympathy, and we both didn't put in enough effort to see each other, though she tried hard to begin with.
In the end, I almost left because things were so bad and she didn't seem to want to work on them, but I was being kinda mean about it. I told her this, and she came over and left (in July) - an "I love you but...". We spent a month single and with no real contact, during which she hooked up with another guy though couldn't really get what she wanted. That's over, but they're still in a little facebook contact as friends. I spent the month flirting a bit for self-esteem and, well, let's face it, crying, mostly about how much I'd hurt her.
After that month, we met, she was sweet, we talked things through; I'd sorted out my personal crises and worked out the non-clinical work-stress-induced depressed by this point (turns out, if you're forced to choose between slightly damaging your work vs. your marriage, the decision is very easy...), and worked really, really hard on relationship awareness skills. She gave me a few sweet kisses after this, but we had to be in other countries for the next three weeks; before those three weeks, we agreed that we'd try a trial separation, and she said there was still definitely something there that we could work on. We've been circling each other gently since then, trying to feel out the other.
We made a few mistakes; she kept informing me about the other guy just casually, sharing his news - I showed her pictures of a girl who I'd been flirting with but turned down, in a bid to show her that I was also doing OK, during a really nice day we had together in town. She didn't want to meet again after that, saying it was really hard to be around me.
Then I gave in notice on our/my place out of sheer panic; she did the paperwork for separation and told me via text, asked if I wanted to pay half. A couple of weeks later she turned up angry and in tears, saying it was just paperwork to her now, and she was really hurt, why was I leaving town, how dare I tell her about these girls, and my mixed messages were tough. So I cancelled notice on the apartment and made things consistent.
Since then, we've met a few times; once she was depressed and reached out, asked me for support, and we had the most fun three days in town. I delivered an open, unreserved apology letter, which she cried while reading, and said "thanks" for. She was warm and friendly the whole time (though said I should definitely not read anything into it), that she wasn't dating, and gave me such a warm smile with just the same look she'd given me on our wedding day. That was a great weekend. No pressure anywhere.
Once, a week or so after this, I asked her to meet again and talk about us, which was definitely a mistake.
A couple of weekends ago, we met again, to talk; she was going to come round, stay the night, have fun over a couple of days, but she had a huge migraine and muscle cramps, so stayed at her parents' instead. I visited there; on the Sunday, she rounded with a "You still want to get back together? Because I don't". I understood that - she's nowhere near there. Then she said the sex hadn't been good for the past year, she felt I was selfish, but I mentioned that if the emotional connection was weak, then that makes sense. I don't know what she thought of that. I hate the idea of being a selfish lover, and can remember quite a few times this past year where that really hasn't been the case. We had had some great times during that year (and the sex is generally great when we put the effort in), though I'm sure there's some truth to it. We both definitely didn't get enough with our busy travel schedules and living apart for a year. Something to work on, though, not go quiet about f or months on end. Though she is quite non-confrontational.
We had a long walk and a chat, where she said that she wasn't sure about anything, is scared of going and scared of coming back. She said she still loves me. Divorce didn't come up. We spoke a lot about the feelings not being there, and I suggested that millions of couples get through this, and it needs work. I don't think she has anyone else to talk to about this - she's gone back to uni, where all her friends are much younger. And she spoke about how hard it is to fit in this country, even though she's native, because of cultural things being missed, and how long she'd spent abroad (e.g. with me). We talked all about the problems in the relationship; she opened up a lot and poured tons out. She said it was tough when I came to visit, because she stressed a lot both the day before and after about not giving me any positive signs. We both agreed the whole thing was really sad. She doesn't think she's grown as a result of the whole thing. She says she is scared of how her cour se is going badly, we're doing badly, she's approaching 30 and really wants kids (we were trying when we broke up), but how is that going to work out?
Stupidly, feeling a connection after all this, I asked her, seeing as we'd found all our problems and we have a good basic compatibility, why don't we work on them. What a load of pressure. She had a fairly sour face upon hearing this, replied that she wanted to be alone after this and why don't I watch TV upstairs; appeared a few hours later and gave me a sweet smile, I gave her a massage, we had a reasonable evening with her family. When I left after dinner, she said she needed a lot of space; I told her I'd call in a few weeks and got a very disappointed look. She isn't interested in counselling.
So.. I've dived into no contact. It's tough. When I panic, I want to just file for divorce. As we've been living apart a while, there are basically no shared assets, we have no kids, and we can get a divorce online instantly if we both agree (or on grounds of adultery) - or a six-month separation to start with, then divorce if we apply afterwards. No lawyers, very easy. But I know that doing that would just be out of panic for a resolution, and needless.
My psychiatrist (who I've only seen briefly, recently) compares me to a monkey mother who carries around her stillborn child for a few weeks until they let go. I'm not sure. It's tough. Sitting tight is difficult sometimes. Other times, I'm optimistic about us; other times, I just look forward to falling in love again, whatever happens.
When one of the couple doesn't want to try, there's very little hope. We have no opportunities for contact, and that's been devastating both during the marriage and since the breakup. And I think I've probably pressured her away, even though I knew better than that.
I just think that, seeing as we are so compatible, we still have feelings for each other, and happiness is such a fleeting thing in this world, it might be worth hanging out every so often, to see if we can't be a bit of a team again. She can promise nothing, and probably thinks that I will make huge assumptions at the first sign of any contact.
What is going on?
In the end, I almost left because things were so bad and she didn't seem to want to work on them, but I was being kinda mean about it. I told her this, and she came over and left (in July) - an "I love you but...". We spent a month single and with no real contact, during which she hooked up with another guy though couldn't really get what she wanted. That's over, but they're still in a little facebook contact as friends. I spent the month flirting a bit for self-esteem and, well, let's face it, crying, mostly about how much I'd hurt her.
After that month, we met, she was sweet, we talked things through; I'd sorted out my personal crises and worked out the non-clinical work-stress-induced depressed by this point (turns out, if you're forced to choose between slightly damaging your work vs. your marriage, the decision is very easy...), and worked really, really hard on relationship awareness skills. She gave me a few sweet kisses after this, but we had to be in other countries for the next three weeks; before those three weeks, we agreed that we'd try a trial separation, and she said there was still definitely something there that we could work on. We've been circling each other gently since then, trying to feel out the other.
We made a few mistakes; she kept informing me about the other guy just casually, sharing his news - I showed her pictures of a girl who I'd been flirting with but turned down, in a bid to show her that I was also doing OK, during a really nice day we had together in town. She didn't want to meet again after that, saying it was really hard to be around me.
Then I gave in notice on our/my place out of sheer panic; she did the paperwork for separation and told me via text, asked if I wanted to pay half. A couple of weeks later she turned up angry and in tears, saying it was just paperwork to her now, and she was really hurt, why was I leaving town, how dare I tell her about these girls, and my mixed messages were tough. So I cancelled notice on the apartment and made things consistent.
Since then, we've met a few times; once she was depressed and reached out, asked me for support, and we had the most fun three days in town. I delivered an open, unreserved apology letter, which she cried while reading, and said "thanks" for. She was warm and friendly the whole time (though said I should definitely not read anything into it), that she wasn't dating, and gave me such a warm smile with just the same look she'd given me on our wedding day. That was a great weekend. No pressure anywhere.
Once, a week or so after this, I asked her to meet again and talk about us, which was definitely a mistake.
A couple of weekends ago, we met again, to talk; she was going to come round, stay the night, have fun over a couple of days, but she had a huge migraine and muscle cramps, so stayed at her parents' instead. I visited there; on the Sunday, she rounded with a "You still want to get back together? Because I don't". I understood that - she's nowhere near there. Then she said the sex hadn't been good for the past year, she felt I was selfish, but I mentioned that if the emotional connection was weak, then that makes sense. I don't know what she thought of that. I hate the idea of being a selfish lover, and can remember quite a few times this past year where that really hasn't been the case. We had had some great times during that year (and the sex is generally great when we put the effort in), though I'm sure there's some truth to it. We both definitely didn't get enough with our busy travel schedules and living apart for a year. Something to work on, though, not go quiet about f or months on end. Though she is quite non-confrontational.
We had a long walk and a chat, where she said that she wasn't sure about anything, is scared of going and scared of coming back. She said she still loves me. Divorce didn't come up. We spoke a lot about the feelings not being there, and I suggested that millions of couples get through this, and it needs work. I don't think she has anyone else to talk to about this - she's gone back to uni, where all her friends are much younger. And she spoke about how hard it is to fit in this country, even though she's native, because of cultural things being missed, and how long she'd spent abroad (e.g. with me). We talked all about the problems in the relationship; she opened up a lot and poured tons out. She said it was tough when I came to visit, because she stressed a lot both the day before and after about not giving me any positive signs. We both agreed the whole thing was really sad. She doesn't think she's grown as a result of the whole thing. She says she is scared of how her cour se is going badly, we're doing badly, she's approaching 30 and really wants kids (we were trying when we broke up), but how is that going to work out?
Stupidly, feeling a connection after all this, I asked her, seeing as we'd found all our problems and we have a good basic compatibility, why don't we work on them. What a load of pressure. She had a fairly sour face upon hearing this, replied that she wanted to be alone after this and why don't I watch TV upstairs; appeared a few hours later and gave me a sweet smile, I gave her a massage, we had a reasonable evening with her family. When I left after dinner, she said she needed a lot of space; I told her I'd call in a few weeks and got a very disappointed look. She isn't interested in counselling.
So.. I've dived into no contact. It's tough. When I panic, I want to just file for divorce. As we've been living apart a while, there are basically no shared assets, we have no kids, and we can get a divorce online instantly if we both agree (or on grounds of adultery) - or a six-month separation to start with, then divorce if we apply afterwards. No lawyers, very easy. But I know that doing that would just be out of panic for a resolution, and needless.
My psychiatrist (who I've only seen briefly, recently) compares me to a monkey mother who carries around her stillborn child for a few weeks until they let go. I'm not sure. It's tough. Sitting tight is difficult sometimes. Other times, I'm optimistic about us; other times, I just look forward to falling in love again, whatever happens.
When one of the couple doesn't want to try, there's very little hope. We have no opportunities for contact, and that's been devastating both during the marriage and since the breakup. And I think I've probably pressured her away, even though I knew better than that.
I just think that, seeing as we are so compatible, we still have feelings for each other, and happiness is such a fleeting thing in this world, it might be worth hanging out every so often, to see if we can't be a bit of a team again. She can promise nothing, and probably thinks that I will make huge assumptions at the first sign of any contact.
What is going on?
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