I realized something a few days ago and I wanted to put it out here because I can see it possibly being an issue for someone else.. It almost cost me my relationship and in many ways was a subconscious issue for me..
I want to bring it out and hopefully others won't fall prey to it.
You've heard it before many of times after your divorce, your kids come first.. You might have said it during your marriage. But without a doubt it comes up a million times after your divorce.. You will say it.. Your Ex says it to you.. A person your dating will tell you that about their kids.. Your friends say it to you about your kids..
What I've discovered is my Girl Friend isn't my Ex wife.. What I mean by that is simply the following..
When you are married you deal with Sh!t with your wife that you would normally would not.. You accept and bend because they are your spouse and the mother of your kids.. You are not just going to cast them aside.. It just isn't gonna happen..
Unfortunately Your Girl Friend or Boy Friend isn't your spouse and because of that you might tend to take less sh!t from them because they aren't your spouse.. So that being said you can sometimes treat them very differently and even defensively and take up the sword of my kids come first sometimes instead of bending and looking to come to an understanding..
To me my GF as much as I love her just isn't the woman that I seen my 2 kids come out of her womb.. Basically something inside me just did not hold her to such a high regard as I did to my Ex wife ( prior to her cheating of course ).. So with that said I found it much easier to cut her loose or treat a bit more differently.
But when she broke it off with me I was devastated.. It was like my wife leaving me all over again.. But it was different because my love for her was very different and a bit more rational and not some sort of kid love when you are in your 20s..
When we got to talking she explained how she felt I treated her, especially in front of my kids.. I understood but didn't grasp it until the next day.. She was right.. I treated her like dirt and sh!t and I shouldn't have.. We had a misunderstanding and instead of just grabbing her and kissing her in front of my kids or just smoothing it over I clung onto my kids instead as if I was defending them from her.. Like she was acting poorly in front of my kids and they deserved better..
The reality is we were 2 adults having an issue and I should have acted different to resolve the issue.
I apologized to my 2 boys and explained to them I shouldn't have done what I did and that I should have treated her better and that they should take that as a lesson of what NOT to do with someone you love.. I made a mistake and I wasn't perfect.. But am man enough to admit my mistakes and make amends for it..
So at least for me I realized if I want a real long lasting relationship with someone that is not my Ex wife I need to treat them as if they are my wife.. That this is the person by my side for the rest of my life.. Otherwise I will treat them like a disposable item that can be tossed aside at any time..
I also know this comes from my insecurity of being hurt again..
But it was just something I didn't get even though we are dating 14 months now.. I just was always ready to cut her loose..
So yes your kids come first but your relationship has to come first if you are looking for something long lasting as well. It just takes a different effort now because the kids are already here.. Its almost like putting the cart before the horse type of thing.. Its like okay I have the kids but now I need the relationship.. When usually its the relationship is already established before you have the kids..
Again I hope this makes sense to someone and if someone can explain it better by all means.. I know many of us can use all the help we can get..
For me it was just something I was holding onto and not letting go which was preventing me from have a better relationship with this women.. I can look back now and see it was a hindrance sometimes..
Call it a leap of faith or whatever makes sense to you.. But the simple reality is you can't put your kids first ALL THE TIME and have a meaningful relationship and you can't use them as a crutch to sabotage a relationship as well. Hopefully I have shed some light for someone and you will realize it now if you didn't.
I want to bring it out and hopefully others won't fall prey to it.
You've heard it before many of times after your divorce, your kids come first.. You might have said it during your marriage. But without a doubt it comes up a million times after your divorce.. You will say it.. Your Ex says it to you.. A person your dating will tell you that about their kids.. Your friends say it to you about your kids..
What I've discovered is my Girl Friend isn't my Ex wife.. What I mean by that is simply the following..
When you are married you deal with Sh!t with your wife that you would normally would not.. You accept and bend because they are your spouse and the mother of your kids.. You are not just going to cast them aside.. It just isn't gonna happen..
Unfortunately Your Girl Friend or Boy Friend isn't your spouse and because of that you might tend to take less sh!t from them because they aren't your spouse.. So that being said you can sometimes treat them very differently and even defensively and take up the sword of my kids come first sometimes instead of bending and looking to come to an understanding..
To me my GF as much as I love her just isn't the woman that I seen my 2 kids come out of her womb.. Basically something inside me just did not hold her to such a high regard as I did to my Ex wife ( prior to her cheating of course ).. So with that said I found it much easier to cut her loose or treat a bit more differently.
But when she broke it off with me I was devastated.. It was like my wife leaving me all over again.. But it was different because my love for her was very different and a bit more rational and not some sort of kid love when you are in your 20s..
When we got to talking she explained how she felt I treated her, especially in front of my kids.. I understood but didn't grasp it until the next day.. She was right.. I treated her like dirt and sh!t and I shouldn't have.. We had a misunderstanding and instead of just grabbing her and kissing her in front of my kids or just smoothing it over I clung onto my kids instead as if I was defending them from her.. Like she was acting poorly in front of my kids and they deserved better..
The reality is we were 2 adults having an issue and I should have acted different to resolve the issue.
I apologized to my 2 boys and explained to them I shouldn't have done what I did and that I should have treated her better and that they should take that as a lesson of what NOT to do with someone you love.. I made a mistake and I wasn't perfect.. But am man enough to admit my mistakes and make amends for it..
So at least for me I realized if I want a real long lasting relationship with someone that is not my Ex wife I need to treat them as if they are my wife.. That this is the person by my side for the rest of my life.. Otherwise I will treat them like a disposable item that can be tossed aside at any time..
I also know this comes from my insecurity of being hurt again..
But it was just something I didn't get even though we are dating 14 months now.. I just was always ready to cut her loose..
So yes your kids come first but your relationship has to come first if you are looking for something long lasting as well. It just takes a different effort now because the kids are already here.. Its almost like putting the cart before the horse type of thing.. Its like okay I have the kids but now I need the relationship.. When usually its the relationship is already established before you have the kids..
Again I hope this makes sense to someone and if someone can explain it better by all means.. I know many of us can use all the help we can get..
For me it was just something I was holding onto and not letting go which was preventing me from have a better relationship with this women.. I can look back now and see it was a hindrance sometimes..
Call it a leap of faith or whatever makes sense to you.. But the simple reality is you can't put your kids first ALL THE TIME and have a meaningful relationship and you can't use them as a crutch to sabotage a relationship as well. Hopefully I have shed some light for someone and you will realize it now if you didn't.
Put the internet to work for you.
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