I'm still struggling with my marriage and this current separation. We have been separated now for almost 3 weeks.
To cut to the chase, I still can't tell if these issues are based on an untreated depression, or potentially other mental illness, or if her trust bank was already so low that it didn't take much for me to bankrupt it (she says she can't trust me anymore after she saw that I texted an old gf/friend - that I wasn't hiding to begin with; and had looked at inappropriate things online at times because our private life was not at all what I had hoped).
The text wasn't sexual, it wasn't even grounds to consider it an EA. I knew she didn't care for it but I also told her I wasn't ashamed of my past and she (the gf/friend) had been having a really hard time...fear for safety and such. I would never cheat on my wife.
I didn't consider the online stuff cheating but I also wasn't proud of it. I was trying to be honest. When I had mentioned trying to pick it up (our private life) in the past, she'd give ideas like coming home during the day sometimes and when I did, I think we made it "happen" once. It got to seeming like there was always a reason...but when the reason was solved, the level of intimacy didn't really change.
In her defense, she would try at times and me, being a dummy, sometimes acted like it wasn't a big deal, the same way she did me. That was stupid but it wasn't why I looked at stuff online at times. It was because I felt rejected by my wife and I just didn't address like I should have. When I did look at it, it was mainly because she was going back to work (12 hour night shift) and it just seemed...to happen...that stuff is way too easy to find without even looking. Heck, you can type in "pizza delivery" on Yahoo and get it. I needed to change my filter and was even going to and give her the password but I never did. It didn't happen all the time. It got easier to go to and it kept me from always wanting it from her when she didn't seem as interested to give it.
She knows she has been battling depression. I can't tell if she is depressed because she is stuck with having married me...potentially on the rebound and now we have a son (a great one) or if there is an underlying mental illness that is untreated. She has a "crazy aunt" that I've always heard about but never met.
Recently one of her sisters and one of her brothers in law have contacted me and apologized for everything that I am going through and told me to hang in there. One really thinks it is a mental illness. Said that she is being rude and mean to others in her family...she can be stubborn-headed but she loves her family so that isn't like her.
I REALLY don't believe there is a PA or EA but I can never be 100% I guess (from what I read on here).
She is also a lot more into church (our faith has always been important to us) and reading Christian books but none are about family, they're all about realizing God's plan in one's life. She is even doing a medical mission trip...breaking up her family...but going on a mission trip. I don't get it.
She said since I looked at porn, that is adultery and grounds for divorce if she chooses. That is really reaching, in my opinion, and sounds more like she is trying to build her case for justifying leaving.
She broke out into a really bad rash...apparently stress rash. I felt horrible for her but she basically blamed me for it, said this all was "killing her" and that I don't realize how much I hurt her.
She also, prior to that...at the beginning of all this, said she had been struggling because she married me when she was "in a fog" but just didn't know it at the time...that was one happy fog.
Anyway, I try not to contact her. Her girls (both under 13) have been like daughters to me and they had no idea there was even a problem...one day I'm there, the next I'm not (I tried to keep from leaving and tried not to make any scenes in front of them).
But, we have a son. My son. He is one great kid. My only child with the woman I've loved since forever (we went to college together and I was always the "best friend" guy...after she separated from her STBX she called me...I had no idea and at first told that I wished her well but I was in a relationship...she pursued me and won me over wholeheartedly).
So I think there is a good chance I was her "safety" and once things settled down, I was never the one she really wanted. I told her that a couple times before marriage but she swore that wasn't the case...who was I to argue...so was always the one for me. I was 36 when we got together. Never married before this one. This is her second. Her first one was abusive so I know that had a big impact... :(
Her sister thinks she needs meds, others do too.
I just don't know how much stock to put in to what.
I did mess up some, but nothing on the scale (I don't think) to warrant this with very little counseling.
Reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" now and I really do relate.
Trying to do the 180 but I hate being away from my son. We are really close.
Any advice is appreciated.
To cut to the chase, I still can't tell if these issues are based on an untreated depression, or potentially other mental illness, or if her trust bank was already so low that it didn't take much for me to bankrupt it (she says she can't trust me anymore after she saw that I texted an old gf/friend - that I wasn't hiding to begin with; and had looked at inappropriate things online at times because our private life was not at all what I had hoped).
The text wasn't sexual, it wasn't even grounds to consider it an EA. I knew she didn't care for it but I also told her I wasn't ashamed of my past and she (the gf/friend) had been having a really hard time...fear for safety and such. I would never cheat on my wife.
I didn't consider the online stuff cheating but I also wasn't proud of it. I was trying to be honest. When I had mentioned trying to pick it up (our private life) in the past, she'd give ideas like coming home during the day sometimes and when I did, I think we made it "happen" once. It got to seeming like there was always a reason...but when the reason was solved, the level of intimacy didn't really change.
In her defense, she would try at times and me, being a dummy, sometimes acted like it wasn't a big deal, the same way she did me. That was stupid but it wasn't why I looked at stuff online at times. It was because I felt rejected by my wife and I just didn't address like I should have. When I did look at it, it was mainly because she was going back to work (12 hour night shift) and it just seemed...to happen...that stuff is way too easy to find without even looking. Heck, you can type in "pizza delivery" on Yahoo and get it. I needed to change my filter and was even going to and give her the password but I never did. It didn't happen all the time. It got easier to go to and it kept me from always wanting it from her when she didn't seem as interested to give it.
She knows she has been battling depression. I can't tell if she is depressed because she is stuck with having married me...potentially on the rebound and now we have a son (a great one) or if there is an underlying mental illness that is untreated. She has a "crazy aunt" that I've always heard about but never met.
Recently one of her sisters and one of her brothers in law have contacted me and apologized for everything that I am going through and told me to hang in there. One really thinks it is a mental illness. Said that she is being rude and mean to others in her family...she can be stubborn-headed but she loves her family so that isn't like her.
I REALLY don't believe there is a PA or EA but I can never be 100% I guess (from what I read on here).
She is also a lot more into church (our faith has always been important to us) and reading Christian books but none are about family, they're all about realizing God's plan in one's life. She is even doing a medical mission trip...breaking up her family...but going on a mission trip. I don't get it.
She said since I looked at porn, that is adultery and grounds for divorce if she chooses. That is really reaching, in my opinion, and sounds more like she is trying to build her case for justifying leaving.
She broke out into a really bad rash...apparently stress rash. I felt horrible for her but she basically blamed me for it, said this all was "killing her" and that I don't realize how much I hurt her.
She also, prior to that...at the beginning of all this, said she had been struggling because she married me when she was "in a fog" but just didn't know it at the time...that was one happy fog.
Anyway, I try not to contact her. Her girls (both under 13) have been like daughters to me and they had no idea there was even a problem...one day I'm there, the next I'm not (I tried to keep from leaving and tried not to make any scenes in front of them).
But, we have a son. My son. He is one great kid. My only child with the woman I've loved since forever (we went to college together and I was always the "best friend" guy...after she separated from her STBX she called me...I had no idea and at first told that I wished her well but I was in a relationship...she pursued me and won me over wholeheartedly).
So I think there is a good chance I was her "safety" and once things settled down, I was never the one she really wanted. I told her that a couple times before marriage but she swore that wasn't the case...who was I to argue...so was always the one for me. I was 36 when we got together. Never married before this one. This is her second. Her first one was abusive so I know that had a big impact... :(
Her sister thinks she needs meds, others do too.
I just don't know how much stock to put in to what.
I did mess up some, but nothing on the scale (I don't think) to warrant this with very little counseling.
Reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" now and I really do relate.
Trying to do the 180 but I hate being away from my son. We are really close.
Any advice is appreciated.
Put the internet to work for you.
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