My husband and I have a pretty good marriage in many ways. We agree on politics, religion, finances. We live well together and travel well together. We used to laugh a lot more than we do now due to jobs and stress and such, but I think that seed is still planted in there somewhere. The problem is he won't have sex with me.
When we first started dating, we had what I thought was a great sex life. He gave me my first g-spot orgasm. But when we moved in together and got engaged, we both got comfortable and gained weight, and the sex basically stopped. I was unhappy about it and would say so, and he would always say "we will work on it", but we never did. Even so, he made me feel loved with what I call "grand gestures", like incredibly thoughtful presents, so I still felt loved.
About 4 years into our marriage, he lost a lot of weight and had an emotional affair. I read their texts and they were very, very sexually explicit. So I know he is capable of getting excited. Anyway, we managed to work through the affair, but our sex life was still put aside. Again, I would ask and be told "we'd work on it".
We moved cities a couple of years ago, and I met a man who wanted me to have an affair with him. I didn't, but I was very tempted. It had been ages since anyone was attracted to me. He made me see I was beautiful, sexy, worthy of being touched. That I wasn't a fat ugly gross woman who didn't deserve to be physically loved.
I have allowed the dynamic of my marriage to be like this because I felt I was too fat and ugly for anyone touch me, even though I, too, eventually lost almost all of the weight I gained during the early part of our relationship. And now that we are in our 8th year, the grand gestures have stopped. We are like roommates or really good friends.
Last October, I decided to change my behavior about sex. I told him, point blank, that I was suffering from the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship. I said it was a deal breaker. Even so, he still didn't sleep with me for almost 10 months. This past June, I told him I was considering separating because I was starting to think about having affairs, and even though he appeared devastated and shaken and swore to work on it, our sex life barely changed. He left for a trip in September, and I asked point blank to have sex before he left, and we didn't.
We have sex every few weeks – an improvement from before, but it's still not enough for me. He won't go to counseling with me, even though he's been to individual counseling before (when he had the emotional affair). He says I am his whole world and if I left him, he would be devastated and I'd never see or hear from him again. We don't have kids, so we don't have that bond, and I feel like the lack of physical intimacy is another level of closeness we are missing out on.
I don't know what else to do. I feel like a door mat, even though I have said what I needed to change in our marriage. When he had the affair, he told me how he needed our marriage to change, and I took it very seriously and, after my own therapy, agreed with his requests – saw he was right – and worked hard to make those changes. But nothing is being done about my request for change.
I want to separate or ask for a divorce, because I crave physical touch and that closeness. I've always enjoyed sex - when I was single, I was sexually adventurous. But, have I done everything I can? Am I short sighted because like I said above, we get along on so many other levels? Am I crazy to put this much emphasis on sex? I'm so sad and confused and I feel guilty that I want to walk away, but I also want to respect myself and not be afraid to be single in my 40s, because I don't want to start being a cheater, having affairs, living a double life, just for physical connection.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
When we first started dating, we had what I thought was a great sex life. He gave me my first g-spot orgasm. But when we moved in together and got engaged, we both got comfortable and gained weight, and the sex basically stopped. I was unhappy about it and would say so, and he would always say "we will work on it", but we never did. Even so, he made me feel loved with what I call "grand gestures", like incredibly thoughtful presents, so I still felt loved.
About 4 years into our marriage, he lost a lot of weight and had an emotional affair. I read their texts and they were very, very sexually explicit. So I know he is capable of getting excited. Anyway, we managed to work through the affair, but our sex life was still put aside. Again, I would ask and be told "we'd work on it".
We moved cities a couple of years ago, and I met a man who wanted me to have an affair with him. I didn't, but I was very tempted. It had been ages since anyone was attracted to me. He made me see I was beautiful, sexy, worthy of being touched. That I wasn't a fat ugly gross woman who didn't deserve to be physically loved.
I have allowed the dynamic of my marriage to be like this because I felt I was too fat and ugly for anyone touch me, even though I, too, eventually lost almost all of the weight I gained during the early part of our relationship. And now that we are in our 8th year, the grand gestures have stopped. We are like roommates or really good friends.
Last October, I decided to change my behavior about sex. I told him, point blank, that I was suffering from the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship. I said it was a deal breaker. Even so, he still didn't sleep with me for almost 10 months. This past June, I told him I was considering separating because I was starting to think about having affairs, and even though he appeared devastated and shaken and swore to work on it, our sex life barely changed. He left for a trip in September, and I asked point blank to have sex before he left, and we didn't.
We have sex every few weeks – an improvement from before, but it's still not enough for me. He won't go to counseling with me, even though he's been to individual counseling before (when he had the emotional affair). He says I am his whole world and if I left him, he would be devastated and I'd never see or hear from him again. We don't have kids, so we don't have that bond, and I feel like the lack of physical intimacy is another level of closeness we are missing out on.
I don't know what else to do. I feel like a door mat, even though I have said what I needed to change in our marriage. When he had the affair, he told me how he needed our marriage to change, and I took it very seriously and, after my own therapy, agreed with his requests – saw he was right – and worked hard to make those changes. But nothing is being done about my request for change.
I want to separate or ask for a divorce, because I crave physical touch and that closeness. I've always enjoyed sex - when I was single, I was sexually adventurous. But, have I done everything I can? Am I short sighted because like I said above, we get along on so many other levels? Am I crazy to put this much emphasis on sex? I'm so sad and confused and I feel guilty that I want to walk away, but I also want to respect myself and not be afraid to be single in my 40s, because I don't want to start being a cheater, having affairs, living a double life, just for physical connection.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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