I sent this letter to H. Is my idea crazy or reasonable? Input is appreciated.
I will try to check back in to the thread regularly, however there will probably be days I can't check or respond, because of my schedule. (I homeschool several children, and even if I get a break, the computer is out in the open. Also, my husband is gone for 5 days at a time, and when he is home from work, he is home for 3 days, and it is difficult to check my email because we are so busy.)
Dear Mr. IMFAR,
I am emailing this to you, because with the busyness of our 3 days together, and the strained conditions affecting our phone conversations due to lack of time, poor connection, etc., I am likely to forget to tell you what I am thinking.
Sex is an important element of marriage, and without it, most marriages will suffer, if not fail. I realize that sex has been very infrequent lately, and I take responsibility for my part.
For various reasons, I find myself feeling manipulated for days or hours leading up to sex. You want to be with me more, you are more (non sexually) affectionate, more attentive, etc. After we have sex, you either keep the attention up because you want it again, or if we have done it a couple of days in a row, and you are satisfied, you stop being affectionate, stop wanting to spend time with me, are not supportive of me, sometimes become adversarial, and then I feel I have been used and cast aside. The cycle begins again, when you start wanting sex. Since I have noticed the cycle, and how it makes me feel, I dread and avoid the vulnerability of sexual intimacy.
I know "women are like a crock pot" with regard to the build-up for sex, and this is probably why you behave the way you do when you want sex. I don't have to do that to you. I just reach out, or say it, and you can say yes or no. I don't have to go through any "prep" to get you emotionally in the mood.
I was thinking that to just have a schedule for regular sex will eliminate any need on your part to manipulate me for days or hours before sex, if that is what is happening...I need to know if it has been happening.
If you desire to be affectionate with me, you will be free to do it any time you wish...it will be totally disconnected with the build up for sex. If you have no real desire to show affection toward me, there will be no need on your part to go through the motions for the goal of sex. You will get sex whether you are affectionate and attentive or not.
I believe that scheduling sex will allow you to relax and not have to strive for it, or behave in any particular way with regards to me. I will be able to observe your level of affection for me on a daily basis, without it having any connection to sex.
How does that sound to you? If it sounds reasonable, let me know. For example, we can have sex the first and last day you are here, or the second and last day, or all three days, etc. If we have sex every day you are here, it will be difficult for me to gauge your affection towards me when we are not having sex, because you will be gone during that time. There should be at least one day of no sex in the schedule.
A schedule may also free me up to be myself, and not be concerned that it is interpreted as wanting sex, or not wanting sex.
I believe that sex has been out of balance during our entire marriage, in different ways. I am responsible for the lack of balance as well as you. I would like to get it back in balance, and would like to separate it from general affection.
Actually, I would like to see if there is any general affection, apart from sex. That is my goal with this idea.
Love,
IMFAR
I will try to check back in to the thread regularly, however there will probably be days I can't check or respond, because of my schedule. (I homeschool several children, and even if I get a break, the computer is out in the open. Also, my husband is gone for 5 days at a time, and when he is home from work, he is home for 3 days, and it is difficult to check my email because we are so busy.)
Dear Mr. IMFAR,
I am emailing this to you, because with the busyness of our 3 days together, and the strained conditions affecting our phone conversations due to lack of time, poor connection, etc., I am likely to forget to tell you what I am thinking.
Sex is an important element of marriage, and without it, most marriages will suffer, if not fail. I realize that sex has been very infrequent lately, and I take responsibility for my part.
For various reasons, I find myself feeling manipulated for days or hours leading up to sex. You want to be with me more, you are more (non sexually) affectionate, more attentive, etc. After we have sex, you either keep the attention up because you want it again, or if we have done it a couple of days in a row, and you are satisfied, you stop being affectionate, stop wanting to spend time with me, are not supportive of me, sometimes become adversarial, and then I feel I have been used and cast aside. The cycle begins again, when you start wanting sex. Since I have noticed the cycle, and how it makes me feel, I dread and avoid the vulnerability of sexual intimacy.
I know "women are like a crock pot" with regard to the build-up for sex, and this is probably why you behave the way you do when you want sex. I don't have to do that to you. I just reach out, or say it, and you can say yes or no. I don't have to go through any "prep" to get you emotionally in the mood.
I was thinking that to just have a schedule for regular sex will eliminate any need on your part to manipulate me for days or hours before sex, if that is what is happening...I need to know if it has been happening.
If you desire to be affectionate with me, you will be free to do it any time you wish...it will be totally disconnected with the build up for sex. If you have no real desire to show affection toward me, there will be no need on your part to go through the motions for the goal of sex. You will get sex whether you are affectionate and attentive or not.
I believe that scheduling sex will allow you to relax and not have to strive for it, or behave in any particular way with regards to me. I will be able to observe your level of affection for me on a daily basis, without it having any connection to sex.
How does that sound to you? If it sounds reasonable, let me know. For example, we can have sex the first and last day you are here, or the second and last day, or all three days, etc. If we have sex every day you are here, it will be difficult for me to gauge your affection towards me when we are not having sex, because you will be gone during that time. There should be at least one day of no sex in the schedule.
A schedule may also free me up to be myself, and not be concerned that it is interpreted as wanting sex, or not wanting sex.
I believe that sex has been out of balance during our entire marriage, in different ways. I am responsible for the lack of balance as well as you. I would like to get it back in balance, and would like to separate it from general affection.
Actually, I would like to see if there is any general affection, apart from sex. That is my goal with this idea.
Love,
IMFAR
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