Background- Together for 10 yrs married for 5 after I got pregnant at 17 we decided to be together. We had another child when I was 23. We made it work, however rocky, and have beat most statistics. We separated for a year when I was 21. We got back together and was still toxic. We moved to the states for his work and for awhile we were happy. He earns a great salary and is a good Dad and can be a good husband.
I have been a SAHM off and on for the last 10 yrs and I can not work legally in the States.
I feel our relationship is toxic. No respect. No trust and I don't know if there is love or just dependence. I am going to IC to see what I need to do to improve my numerous short comings and move forward with integrity. Whether that means staying or leaving...
In short he blames me for all of our problems. He insists I have mental health issues and that causes all our problems. He says I make him do things like snoop, throw cups, yell, push, pinch me, which left a bruise, and one time punched my thighs (not hard) because I was being disrespectful. I believe I do have problems and maybe I do have mental issues that are undiagnosed since I sometimes feel crazy. I just can not take responsibility for how he acts aka throwing things, breaking things, belittling me, name calling, putting down any ambitions that lead to a career.
He calls me a sl*t that loves to flirt. I am bubbly and social but I have never cheated. Although, I feel maybe I am too out there sending out the wrong vibes since I have had men ask for my number or on a date. I said NO and told him after each incident. He knows all my passwords and constantly checks my phone. He had an online affair 5 years ago but that is the closest thing to infidelity we faced.
I believe he sees me as fundamentally flawed. I think I could improve and be an overall better wife and human but every time I say "You're right, I am the one to blame" and read books on how become the better wife things improve but then disintegrate with name calling, innuendos that I am a loose woman etc.
I feel guilty to leave because a part of me feels like he is the reason I didn't face poverty at 17. I also have name called and yelled and thrown things and kicked him. It's a mess I know it but he doesn't think it's bad. I have no career to speak of. No family here and all my close friends live far away. If we separated, he would move back to our home country where I can work so there are options.
I no longer want to have sex. I hate it. I cry afterwards and I can't stand his touch. Which makes me feel even more guilty.
Lately, I have been having panic attacks where I thought I was having a heart attack and even went to the hospital. I am starting to believe they are coming because I am afraid of this relationship and my future in general. I just don't want to think of myself as a victim nor do I want to be selfish by giving up too soon. I feel delusional when I decide to stay or when I decide to go. I have told him I don't believe what we have is love and I don't want our kids to think it is. I am not sure if I am selfish and egotistical or finally standing up for what I want. Thoughts?
I have been a SAHM off and on for the last 10 yrs and I can not work legally in the States.
I feel our relationship is toxic. No respect. No trust and I don't know if there is love or just dependence. I am going to IC to see what I need to do to improve my numerous short comings and move forward with integrity. Whether that means staying or leaving...
In short he blames me for all of our problems. He insists I have mental health issues and that causes all our problems. He says I make him do things like snoop, throw cups, yell, push, pinch me, which left a bruise, and one time punched my thighs (not hard) because I was being disrespectful. I believe I do have problems and maybe I do have mental issues that are undiagnosed since I sometimes feel crazy. I just can not take responsibility for how he acts aka throwing things, breaking things, belittling me, name calling, putting down any ambitions that lead to a career.
He calls me a sl*t that loves to flirt. I am bubbly and social but I have never cheated. Although, I feel maybe I am too out there sending out the wrong vibes since I have had men ask for my number or on a date. I said NO and told him after each incident. He knows all my passwords and constantly checks my phone. He had an online affair 5 years ago but that is the closest thing to infidelity we faced.
I believe he sees me as fundamentally flawed. I think I could improve and be an overall better wife and human but every time I say "You're right, I am the one to blame" and read books on how become the better wife things improve but then disintegrate with name calling, innuendos that I am a loose woman etc.
I feel guilty to leave because a part of me feels like he is the reason I didn't face poverty at 17. I also have name called and yelled and thrown things and kicked him. It's a mess I know it but he doesn't think it's bad. I have no career to speak of. No family here and all my close friends live far away. If we separated, he would move back to our home country where I can work so there are options.
I no longer want to have sex. I hate it. I cry afterwards and I can't stand his touch. Which makes me feel even more guilty.
Lately, I have been having panic attacks where I thought I was having a heart attack and even went to the hospital. I am starting to believe they are coming because I am afraid of this relationship and my future in general. I just don't want to think of myself as a victim nor do I want to be selfish by giving up too soon. I feel delusional when I decide to stay or when I decide to go. I have told him I don't believe what we have is love and I don't want our kids to think it is. I am not sure if I am selfish and egotistical or finally standing up for what I want. Thoughts?
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