We've been married for 13 years, in a relationship for over 20 years. 6 months ago my wife had an emotional affair. They met at a social event and started talking on facebook, she told me it went as far as meeting a few times and some kissing but no sex. Not that this matters to me as much as the fact that she has told me she fell in love with this guy. She assures me there has been no contact since I found out, but I know that she still thinks about him and what that relationship did for her. 3 years previous to this she had another facebook-based relationship with a guy she went to school with which I also found out about, although this was long distance so I don't think it went any further than some 'inappropriate' messaging. This was a big warning sign that unfortunately we didn't really act on - I am paying for that mistake now.
In the last 6 months we have talked a lot and have recently started couple counselling (way too late!). Our marriage has always been based on attraction and love, we're both good parents to 3 kids and are a very 'functional' couple, and sex has always been there (we do fancy each other) but we've always lacked real emotional closeness and intimacy, being really inside each others lives, and she says she cannot live without this any more and has almost given up looking for it in our marriage, I think she started checking out a few years ago and its now a classic case of "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I have had problems with emotional intimacy /openness in the past and have been distant to her at times in our marriage and have really not ever dealt with that properly. I was not brought up to be very emotionally literate and had some issues in my childhood that have prevented that side from developing much, and I can be a firmly closed book, although in the last few years I have worked on that a lot through therapy and feel much more open that I ever used to and I really do want to be much more open and intimate with her now and she knows this. To be fair to her I think she has tried hard over many years to find what she needs in me but has not communicated her needs well (by her own admission). So, whilst I am not responsible for her actions, we have really both contributed to what has happened.
She thinks that she needs to decide whether she can emotionally re-engage with me or not in order to give the counselling a chance and has asked for space and says she might need to move out as a trial separation. We are currently spending a week apart as a first stage, I'm not sure what will happen after that. She wants to see if she will 'miss' me, which doesn't sound a realistic way of thinking about this. I still love her so much - she is all I want - but I feel in despair; this latter stage has come on very fast and I'm still a bit in shock. I can see now that this has been building up for a while in her and I have been a bit blind to it. I felt that talking honestly and counselling would help us through, what I have not realised is how far gone she is and she has been very reticent to being open and honest for fear of hurting me (her words). I am trying very hard to give her space and time, and not to pressure her, but I worry that it has already gone too far in her hea d and that we are heading for separation and divorce. The effect of this on us both, our kids and family fills me with dread. I've read every bit of advice going but am not really sure what to do next - I have every emotion going round in my head and find it very hard to think rationally.
In the last 6 months we have talked a lot and have recently started couple counselling (way too late!). Our marriage has always been based on attraction and love, we're both good parents to 3 kids and are a very 'functional' couple, and sex has always been there (we do fancy each other) but we've always lacked real emotional closeness and intimacy, being really inside each others lives, and she says she cannot live without this any more and has almost given up looking for it in our marriage, I think she started checking out a few years ago and its now a classic case of "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I have had problems with emotional intimacy /openness in the past and have been distant to her at times in our marriage and have really not ever dealt with that properly. I was not brought up to be very emotionally literate and had some issues in my childhood that have prevented that side from developing much, and I can be a firmly closed book, although in the last few years I have worked on that a lot through therapy and feel much more open that I ever used to and I really do want to be much more open and intimate with her now and she knows this. To be fair to her I think she has tried hard over many years to find what she needs in me but has not communicated her needs well (by her own admission). So, whilst I am not responsible for her actions, we have really both contributed to what has happened.
She thinks that she needs to decide whether she can emotionally re-engage with me or not in order to give the counselling a chance and has asked for space and says she might need to move out as a trial separation. We are currently spending a week apart as a first stage, I'm not sure what will happen after that. She wants to see if she will 'miss' me, which doesn't sound a realistic way of thinking about this. I still love her so much - she is all I want - but I feel in despair; this latter stage has come on very fast and I'm still a bit in shock. I can see now that this has been building up for a while in her and I have been a bit blind to it. I felt that talking honestly and counselling would help us through, what I have not realised is how far gone she is and she has been very reticent to being open and honest for fear of hurting me (her words). I am trying very hard to give her space and time, and not to pressure her, but I worry that it has already gone too far in her hea d and that we are heading for separation and divorce. The effect of this on us both, our kids and family fills me with dread. I've read every bit of advice going but am not really sure what to do next - I have every emotion going round in my head and find it very hard to think rationally.
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