Hello,
I've been married for a few years now. My husband always had a bit of a temper but it has gotten worse in the past 6 months. It used to just be a pain to have to deal with his anger (on top of whatever issue we were fighting about) but the past three arguments have actually made me scared of his behavior.
In general, he is a wonderful person; kind, loving, so supportive, funny, and he always makes a point to tell me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful, even when I'm not feeling so hot. I honestly think we are a perfect fit. We have a nice life together and I really do love him. 90% of the time we are perfect together.
BUT
He has, what I believe, a serious anger management problem. It's not just me that sees this. His friends, his co-workers- they have all at some point told him he's too defensive, he needs to calm down and not take things so personally. Little things can set him off, like getting a parking ticket or waiting in line too long. He can go from 0-100 like that and it makes life so unplesant sometimes. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during these moments.
He has never hit me or anything like that but he will YELL and be aggressive and unreasonable and, it's almost like he is aggressively scolding me, like I'm a child or something. It's really weird and it obviously does not sit well with me.
It's embarassing too, as I'm sure our neighbors can hear everything. At our old place, as we lived in a courtyard apartment, whenever he started to get mad about something or at me, I'd run around closing all the windows, as if preparing for a hurricane. It felt ridiculous and sad that I would have to do this but I knew in a moments time he'd be yelling his head off about our personal issues for all the neighbors to hear.
One time we got into an argument (which, truth be told I did start) but he started yelling at me so much and when I'd try to leave the room to get away from him, he'd block my way. I said I was going to call the police if he didn't leave me be and he knocked my phone out of my hand and broke the screen. I went into our guest room and he pushed that door open and broke the lock. Same when I went into our bedroom to get away from him.
Another time, after some argument, I was upset and I went outside to smoke a cigarette from his pack. I had quit but would still have one time to time. It was like he took all the anger from the argument and came charging after me outside getting in my face and yelling at me about me not smoking and he grabbed the pack out of my hand and the cigarette out of my mouth. This may sound trivial but he was so forceful and in my face that for a moment I thought he might hit me. Nevermind the fact that he is an everyday smoker and has some nerve shaming me, he just wanted to find some reason to get angry at me and explode and that scares me. Later on he acted like he was doing me a favor.
I never thought I would ever be in a relationship where I would ever even be considering calling the cops or thinking even for a moment that I might get hit.
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like I was burning up- I'm not sure why I did this (I guess cuz I was half asleep) but I nudged him and woke him up and told him I was super hot. Now, I can see how this is annoying but he got SO ANGRY about it and started to yell, so I left to go sleep in the guest room. Then he got angry about THAT and burst in there (no more working locks) and started yelling at me to get back to bed. Just to stop him from yelling I said ok but when I got back to our bed, I felt that I had just given in and somehow catered to his tantrum. So I said, I'm going to sleep in the other room, you are making me uncomfortable and we can talk about this in the morning. Minutes later he burst back in the guestroom and started yelling at me that I'm not allowed to sleep in there and then weirdly changed his mind and said that This was my new room now and until we fix our marriage problems, this will be where I sleep. And after that, we a re getting rid of this bed because that is what is ruining our marriage. It made no sense. By the way, I rarely sleep in there so I don't know what he was talking about. During all this, I had another flash where I was scared he might hit me. He didn't and we slept in different rooms and haven't talked today.
I am getting a sinking feeling that this is just going to get worse. During his anger outbursts, he seems to have less and less control over himself. I will not allow myself to be in a physically abusive relationship, so it is almost like, I'm holding my breath- just hoping he is not going to cross the line that will ruin our marriage.
We went to couples therapy a few times but our therapist seemed to treat his anger like- that's what men do. None of the men I ever dated before ever acted like that, nor did I ever fear any one of them might hit me. The therapy would kind of help for a little bit, but really, I don't know what would control his anger. Especially because he doesn't really take responsibility for it and downplays it. I think he thinks I'm being dramatic when I say that he is scaring me.
I love him so much and I am committed to making our marriage work but I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm heartbroken and I'm so tired of crying.
I would love to hear if any of you have had success with dealing with their partners (or their own) anger issues- if you turned things around and how you did it...
Please, any help would be so appreciated. I'm not ready to give up on him and us yet.
I've been married for a few years now. My husband always had a bit of a temper but it has gotten worse in the past 6 months. It used to just be a pain to have to deal with his anger (on top of whatever issue we were fighting about) but the past three arguments have actually made me scared of his behavior.
In general, he is a wonderful person; kind, loving, so supportive, funny, and he always makes a point to tell me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful, even when I'm not feeling so hot. I honestly think we are a perfect fit. We have a nice life together and I really do love him. 90% of the time we are perfect together.
BUT
He has, what I believe, a serious anger management problem. It's not just me that sees this. His friends, his co-workers- they have all at some point told him he's too defensive, he needs to calm down and not take things so personally. Little things can set him off, like getting a parking ticket or waiting in line too long. He can go from 0-100 like that and it makes life so unplesant sometimes. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during these moments.
He has never hit me or anything like that but he will YELL and be aggressive and unreasonable and, it's almost like he is aggressively scolding me, like I'm a child or something. It's really weird and it obviously does not sit well with me.
It's embarassing too, as I'm sure our neighbors can hear everything. At our old place, as we lived in a courtyard apartment, whenever he started to get mad about something or at me, I'd run around closing all the windows, as if preparing for a hurricane. It felt ridiculous and sad that I would have to do this but I knew in a moments time he'd be yelling his head off about our personal issues for all the neighbors to hear.
One time we got into an argument (which, truth be told I did start) but he started yelling at me so much and when I'd try to leave the room to get away from him, he'd block my way. I said I was going to call the police if he didn't leave me be and he knocked my phone out of my hand and broke the screen. I went into our guest room and he pushed that door open and broke the lock. Same when I went into our bedroom to get away from him.
Another time, after some argument, I was upset and I went outside to smoke a cigarette from his pack. I had quit but would still have one time to time. It was like he took all the anger from the argument and came charging after me outside getting in my face and yelling at me about me not smoking and he grabbed the pack out of my hand and the cigarette out of my mouth. This may sound trivial but he was so forceful and in my face that for a moment I thought he might hit me. Nevermind the fact that he is an everyday smoker and has some nerve shaming me, he just wanted to find some reason to get angry at me and explode and that scares me. Later on he acted like he was doing me a favor.
I never thought I would ever be in a relationship where I would ever even be considering calling the cops or thinking even for a moment that I might get hit.
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like I was burning up- I'm not sure why I did this (I guess cuz I was half asleep) but I nudged him and woke him up and told him I was super hot. Now, I can see how this is annoying but he got SO ANGRY about it and started to yell, so I left to go sleep in the guest room. Then he got angry about THAT and burst in there (no more working locks) and started yelling at me to get back to bed. Just to stop him from yelling I said ok but when I got back to our bed, I felt that I had just given in and somehow catered to his tantrum. So I said, I'm going to sleep in the other room, you are making me uncomfortable and we can talk about this in the morning. Minutes later he burst back in the guestroom and started yelling at me that I'm not allowed to sleep in there and then weirdly changed his mind and said that This was my new room now and until we fix our marriage problems, this will be where I sleep. And after that, we a re getting rid of this bed because that is what is ruining our marriage. It made no sense. By the way, I rarely sleep in there so I don't know what he was talking about. During all this, I had another flash where I was scared he might hit me. He didn't and we slept in different rooms and haven't talked today.
I am getting a sinking feeling that this is just going to get worse. During his anger outbursts, he seems to have less and less control over himself. I will not allow myself to be in a physically abusive relationship, so it is almost like, I'm holding my breath- just hoping he is not going to cross the line that will ruin our marriage.
We went to couples therapy a few times but our therapist seemed to treat his anger like- that's what men do. None of the men I ever dated before ever acted like that, nor did I ever fear any one of them might hit me. The therapy would kind of help for a little bit, but really, I don't know what would control his anger. Especially because he doesn't really take responsibility for it and downplays it. I think he thinks I'm being dramatic when I say that he is scaring me.
I love him so much and I am committed to making our marriage work but I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm heartbroken and I'm so tired of crying.
I would love to hear if any of you have had success with dealing with their partners (or their own) anger issues- if you turned things around and how you did it...
Please, any help would be so appreciated. I'm not ready to give up on him and us yet.
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