So my wife and I have been fighting. This morning, she asked if we should see a counselor. I said I'd be willing. Then she asked why we cannot just talk about it ourselves. I told her I just don't understand the points she makes, and she doesn't understand the points I make.
I told her that I don't think it's fair that she wakes up late on my days off and I pointed out that waking up with our son and then falling asleep downstairs doesn't count because 15m later I"m up with both of them feeding them breakfast while she's asleep on the sofa. She doesn't see it that way, but agreed to stay awake with them in the morning. We will see, because she's agreed in the past.
I told her I was mad when I overheard her talking to her sister saying "we" did the laundry when I was the one who did the laundry. I was walking in when I overheard her, and she looked up and saw me and corrected herself and said actually he did it. I also pointed out that I did a lot more cleaning then just the laundry, but I didn't vacuum. After vacuuming she went back to telling everyone "we" cleaned the house.
I also brought up sex, which until recently, I would be embarrassed to bring up. I told her that every time she says no, she's rejecting me. I told her that her excuses were very poor, and immediately remediable. For example, she's hot or sweaty. Or on a similar note, either hasn't yet showered or just showered. Or had just eaten, the rest of the family eats together. I told her that if she wants alone time after the kids go to bed, then disappearing to the porch to smoke cigs isn't going to solve it, it's just going to give me time to fall asleep. I told her that in the past, she's said if I did "blank" then I'd get more sex. So I'd do "blank", I'd make sure there wasn't any more "blank" to be done. Whether it's laundry, cleaning up toys, dishes, garbage, going out to dinner, etc... Most recently, and the thing that made me mad, was that I'd get more if I bought her more stuff. Let's just say I tried that. Most recently, I payed off $8k of her secret debt without getting angry or even asking her about it. Has your SO ever given you $8k no questions asked?
I asked her how she would feel if I rejected her when she wanted either a hug or a kiss. Then I asked her how she would feel if I said, "I'm too hot or if I said give me 5m and I disappeared."
I told her that since she suggested sitting down for a family dinner, I've sat down with the family every time, and she hasn't. She goes outside and smokes a cig.
I told her I don't appreciate what she calls her sarcasm and it's not that I dont get the joke. It's that the joke isn't funny. In my mind, she's using the word sarcasm because it sounds better then disrespect. I gave her the example of when she said I made my back go out on purpose so I wouldn't have to watch the kids.
Her side of the story is different and I don't quite understand it. So she says that what I don't understand is that the kids are her priority. So everything else isn't important. I point out that I do other things while watching the kids. I pointed out that I did the laundry while the kids were awake. I completely agree that the kids are the priority, but that doesn't mean everything else is completely unimportant.
She says she wants intimacy, but sex isn't the top of her list. OK. So I'm going to switch roles here. If I want sex, I try and do all of the things that would otherwise distract us before the kids go to bed. Chores, etc... Even when I do this, it never works out like I plan; she usually still goes outside and browses the internet and smokes cigs. She goes back to the kids being her priority, implying that she cannot do the chores and watch the kids at the same time. So she does them after. I point out that I manage to do chores when the kids are awake and she's asleep.
I blew up last week over my back. I inarticulately stated the above and wasn't calm. The other day, I thought we had a planned an "intimate night". I had unexpected surprise at work and had to clean up a makeshift homeless bathroom. So I came home and said I was going up to shower. She gave me a look, but I had to shower. I came down and was trying to lay the groundwork, but she didn't seem into it. I asked if she wasn't into it and she said "no". I said OK and gave up. She said that if I would buy her more stuff I'd get more sex. I've heard this before, and frankly it was the last straw for me.
EDIT: OK. I'm going to post this without adding anything else. Her sister called me to ask what's going on and we had a long chat. I think her sister and I are on the same page. I feel a lot better, but I do think it's a long uphill climb ahead.
I told her that I don't think it's fair that she wakes up late on my days off and I pointed out that waking up with our son and then falling asleep downstairs doesn't count because 15m later I"m up with both of them feeding them breakfast while she's asleep on the sofa. She doesn't see it that way, but agreed to stay awake with them in the morning. We will see, because she's agreed in the past.
I told her I was mad when I overheard her talking to her sister saying "we" did the laundry when I was the one who did the laundry. I was walking in when I overheard her, and she looked up and saw me and corrected herself and said actually he did it. I also pointed out that I did a lot more cleaning then just the laundry, but I didn't vacuum. After vacuuming she went back to telling everyone "we" cleaned the house.
I also brought up sex, which until recently, I would be embarrassed to bring up. I told her that every time she says no, she's rejecting me. I told her that her excuses were very poor, and immediately remediable. For example, she's hot or sweaty. Or on a similar note, either hasn't yet showered or just showered. Or had just eaten, the rest of the family eats together. I told her that if she wants alone time after the kids go to bed, then disappearing to the porch to smoke cigs isn't going to solve it, it's just going to give me time to fall asleep. I told her that in the past, she's said if I did "blank" then I'd get more sex. So I'd do "blank", I'd make sure there wasn't any more "blank" to be done. Whether it's laundry, cleaning up toys, dishes, garbage, going out to dinner, etc... Most recently, and the thing that made me mad, was that I'd get more if I bought her more stuff. Let's just say I tried that. Most recently, I payed off $8k of her secret debt without getting angry or even asking her about it. Has your SO ever given you $8k no questions asked?
I asked her how she would feel if I rejected her when she wanted either a hug or a kiss. Then I asked her how she would feel if I said, "I'm too hot or if I said give me 5m and I disappeared."
I told her that since she suggested sitting down for a family dinner, I've sat down with the family every time, and she hasn't. She goes outside and smokes a cig.
I told her I don't appreciate what she calls her sarcasm and it's not that I dont get the joke. It's that the joke isn't funny. In my mind, she's using the word sarcasm because it sounds better then disrespect. I gave her the example of when she said I made my back go out on purpose so I wouldn't have to watch the kids.
Her side of the story is different and I don't quite understand it. So she says that what I don't understand is that the kids are her priority. So everything else isn't important. I point out that I do other things while watching the kids. I pointed out that I did the laundry while the kids were awake. I completely agree that the kids are the priority, but that doesn't mean everything else is completely unimportant.
She says she wants intimacy, but sex isn't the top of her list. OK. So I'm going to switch roles here. If I want sex, I try and do all of the things that would otherwise distract us before the kids go to bed. Chores, etc... Even when I do this, it never works out like I plan; she usually still goes outside and browses the internet and smokes cigs. She goes back to the kids being her priority, implying that she cannot do the chores and watch the kids at the same time. So she does them after. I point out that I manage to do chores when the kids are awake and she's asleep.
I blew up last week over my back. I inarticulately stated the above and wasn't calm. The other day, I thought we had a planned an "intimate night". I had unexpected surprise at work and had to clean up a makeshift homeless bathroom. So I came home and said I was going up to shower. She gave me a look, but I had to shower. I came down and was trying to lay the groundwork, but she didn't seem into it. I asked if she wasn't into it and she said "no". I said OK and gave up. She said that if I would buy her more stuff I'd get more sex. I've heard this before, and frankly it was the last straw for me.
EDIT: OK. I'm going to post this without adding anything else. Her sister called me to ask what's going on and we had a long chat. I think her sister and I are on the same page. I feel a lot better, but I do think it's a long uphill climb ahead.
Put the internet to work for you.
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