Are there stages of reconciliation? If so, where does forgiveness fall into this? Can you reconcile without forgiveness?
My backstory...I have a whole thread in the Private Section, but basically my husband of 20 years had a 5 month long EA with an intern at his office. They were "in love". I discovered it 4/3/14 and it ended immediately. Stopped before it turned o a PA. They initially met in person, but didn't work directly together and really spent limited time in person. She stopped working at their office soon after they met and the bulk of the A was online sexting and messaging. They never met up again due to proximity and a host of other obstacles. I wrestled for a long time as to whether or not he was lying about EA vs PA and have finally come to the conclusion that yes, there is a chance he is lying to me, but that I really do not think he is and I have put that whole debate to rest with myself as it was causing me to not deal with the rest of the issue. OW was out of our lives immediately with NC from the dday on. She has been going through her own hell since dday and I really th ink the A is way down on the list of her troubles right now- she now has stage 3 cancer and several deaths in her family since dday. Once in a while my husband will hear an update about her from coworkers, but he has remained NC and really does not want to know what is even going on with her.
Since DDAy we have turned over every layer of our being individually and as a couple. We have identified FOO issues. We have given our relationship a makeover. We have eliminated bad habits and replaced them with good. We have both worked very hard. I was a feeling stuffer and a controller and I put our kids above everything else in the world all the time. He had very poor boundaries, Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, and had developed some destructive behaviors such as drinking excessively. We were very busy and lead parallel lives coparenting our children. My husband had major issues with his career-- highly intelligent, but "failure to thrive". It was craziness and out of control. We have regained control of our lives. Are getting everything that was out of whack back into its proper place. Our boundaries are firm and clear. I'm expressing feelings and even feeling them. I no longer feel the need to be controlling because my husband has gained self control. He feels li ke he has finally "grown up" and all of a sudden is starting to be successful in his career. He is trying to "Be the man" rather than letting people walk all over him and is becoming confident and a strong leader. I'm actually a bit flabbergasted by all of the changes.
My husband has been very remorseful- I get I'm sorrys and thank you for a second chance many times a day. I feel more love from him than I have ever felt from anyone. Right now he is doing everything right. He has not been perfect, but as the months have gone on he is truly doing everything he can to help me heal. He answers my questions and has determined that he didn't in fact love OW- he just loved how she made him feel. He loved the escape from a stressful life. It was a game to him. He is disgusted in himself and has nothing but regret for those 5 months.
Everything is going well. But I'm not ready to forgive. I don't know if I ever will be. I discovered this affair when I found a message stating that "I love you more than you will ever know...". I"m not sure how to forgive that. I can accept that it happened. I am beginning to understand why it happened, but I cannot forgive. Can you truly reconcile without forgiveness?
My backstory...I have a whole thread in the Private Section, but basically my husband of 20 years had a 5 month long EA with an intern at his office. They were "in love". I discovered it 4/3/14 and it ended immediately. Stopped before it turned o a PA. They initially met in person, but didn't work directly together and really spent limited time in person. She stopped working at their office soon after they met and the bulk of the A was online sexting and messaging. They never met up again due to proximity and a host of other obstacles. I wrestled for a long time as to whether or not he was lying about EA vs PA and have finally come to the conclusion that yes, there is a chance he is lying to me, but that I really do not think he is and I have put that whole debate to rest with myself as it was causing me to not deal with the rest of the issue. OW was out of our lives immediately with NC from the dday on. She has been going through her own hell since dday and I really th ink the A is way down on the list of her troubles right now- she now has stage 3 cancer and several deaths in her family since dday. Once in a while my husband will hear an update about her from coworkers, but he has remained NC and really does not want to know what is even going on with her.
Since DDAy we have turned over every layer of our being individually and as a couple. We have identified FOO issues. We have given our relationship a makeover. We have eliminated bad habits and replaced them with good. We have both worked very hard. I was a feeling stuffer and a controller and I put our kids above everything else in the world all the time. He had very poor boundaries, Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, and had developed some destructive behaviors such as drinking excessively. We were very busy and lead parallel lives coparenting our children. My husband had major issues with his career-- highly intelligent, but "failure to thrive". It was craziness and out of control. We have regained control of our lives. Are getting everything that was out of whack back into its proper place. Our boundaries are firm and clear. I'm expressing feelings and even feeling them. I no longer feel the need to be controlling because my husband has gained self control. He feels li ke he has finally "grown up" and all of a sudden is starting to be successful in his career. He is trying to "Be the man" rather than letting people walk all over him and is becoming confident and a strong leader. I'm actually a bit flabbergasted by all of the changes.
My husband has been very remorseful- I get I'm sorrys and thank you for a second chance many times a day. I feel more love from him than I have ever felt from anyone. Right now he is doing everything right. He has not been perfect, but as the months have gone on he is truly doing everything he can to help me heal. He answers my questions and has determined that he didn't in fact love OW- he just loved how she made him feel. He loved the escape from a stressful life. It was a game to him. He is disgusted in himself and has nothing but regret for those 5 months.
Everything is going well. But I'm not ready to forgive. I don't know if I ever will be. I discovered this affair when I found a message stating that "I love you more than you will ever know...". I"m not sure how to forgive that. I can accept that it happened. I am beginning to understand why it happened, but I cannot forgive. Can you truly reconcile without forgiveness?
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