Im not even sure where to begin. I am in the final stages of a divorce after a nearly 10 year relationship. Ironically the divorce final day will be on the 10 year anniversary of the first date. Our relationship had a lot of great highs and a lot of really bad lows as well. Part of what lead to our breakup was children or lack of. I became Catholic to marry my wife but had gotten fixed in a previous relationship. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship that I was raising on my own.
Fast forward nine years, I had medical complications from the reversal and began looking at my options for a reversal both for the medical and religious reasons. The chances weren't great we'd have a child but in my heart, I didn't feel like I could call myself a Catholic without giving God the chance to fulfill the sacrament of marriage as it was intended.
My soon to be ex did not change her mind on children and was very adamantly opposed. Many months went by and I found myself in a urologist's office without her discussing the options I had. A few months ago I decided to tell her I wanted to end our marriage because I was not going to force her to explore having a child with me because it wasn't what she wanted.
For a split second and out of desperation she said she would try to have a child with me. However things quickly escalated between us and I moved out because of a history of violent episodes during fights. A physical fight and she damaged several sentimental and valuable things that were important to me. For that reason I chose to move out and take a breather. She told me we could work it out but things continued to get much worse. Instead of having a heart to reconcile, she kept lashing out in anger and destroyed what was left of our marriage and our friendship. Her communications with me were always angry. I responded as best I could with compassion and empathy. If I couldn't manage that, I didn't respond to her.
She told me she went to our priest to get advice to reconcile our marriage and how to tell me about a gun she purchased (after I removed one from the house when I moved out). When I spoke to the priest later, he was shocked that she told me she came to him to get his advice about the gun and reconciliation. Instead she got an annulment form and did nothing but bad mouth me to the priest. She asked me to lie to a future marriage tribunal saying I deceived her about wanting children to get an annulment.
She filed for divorce. From the day I moved out she has continued to lash out in anger, talking to every one of our mutual friends, harassing them to choose her over me, kept me from our house, spent a lot of money needlessly and hurt me in ways that no one else has in my life, at least no one who said they loved me. Her behavior has been extremely vindictive and erratic. Everything she's done and said behind my back say she wanted a divorce but she would tell me something different to my face. It's been a constant whiplash and there are days (when I'm in the middle of the contradictions) feel like I don't know which way is up.
I thought my ex was the love of my life and would be it for me. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married her, especially in the Catholic Church where divorces are not ok. I still find myself feeling that grief at times and having to grieve losing 10 years of my life, family and friends as well as the life I thought we'd have together. Even though she was controlling and at times abusive, I still loved her and hoped someday (at least before I moved out), that she'd have a change of heart and we'd get the chance to salvage our relationship.
In the middle of this tragedy, I met someone and we've become very close. Ironically we knew each other 16 years ago and she'd even watched my daughter once or twice as an infant. We didn't figure this out for the first month or so we'd become re-acquainted. She's everything my ex is not. She treats me with such kindness and she understands me in a way that no one else has. She accepts me for who I am today and sees the best in me, even when I can't see it. She loves me with all of her heart and I love her very deeply. She has a small child and wants to have more. She's extremely selfless and giving. She has a beautiful soul and a smile that melts my heart. We make each other happy and we do not have major communication issues or immaturity that plagued my previous relationship.
My dilemma is with everything that has happened the last couple years and especially what's happened since I moved out has really taken a toll on me. I feel extremely damaged and part of me wonders if my heart will ever stop feeling its made of swiss cheese.
There are days when everything is fine. Then there are days when I'm distant and numb, moments where I'm depressed and saddened that things ended the way they did. I've accepted my marriage is over for some time. I did before I asked to end it. But I find myself continuing to take roller-coaster rides. Moving forward has been very painful even though I know its what is best and is what needs to happen. I seem to jump between stages and it happens at unpredictable times. Sometimes triggered by an event that reminds me of something from the past, sometimes nothing at all.
I've been seeing a therapist and I've talked about the issues and will continue to see him for awhile. He seems to think I'm progressing normally. Moving forward I do see myself having a future with my new love. She has been through what I'm going through and has really helped me keep my head above water in the most difficult thing I've gone through as an adult. I realize everyone is different and processes things at their own rate. How long does it take for the jumping around to stop and actually have traction to be healed enough to be happy most of the time without a regular trip to the amusement park?
Fast forward nine years, I had medical complications from the reversal and began looking at my options for a reversal both for the medical and religious reasons. The chances weren't great we'd have a child but in my heart, I didn't feel like I could call myself a Catholic without giving God the chance to fulfill the sacrament of marriage as it was intended.
My soon to be ex did not change her mind on children and was very adamantly opposed. Many months went by and I found myself in a urologist's office without her discussing the options I had. A few months ago I decided to tell her I wanted to end our marriage because I was not going to force her to explore having a child with me because it wasn't what she wanted.
For a split second and out of desperation she said she would try to have a child with me. However things quickly escalated between us and I moved out because of a history of violent episodes during fights. A physical fight and she damaged several sentimental and valuable things that were important to me. For that reason I chose to move out and take a breather. She told me we could work it out but things continued to get much worse. Instead of having a heart to reconcile, she kept lashing out in anger and destroyed what was left of our marriage and our friendship. Her communications with me were always angry. I responded as best I could with compassion and empathy. If I couldn't manage that, I didn't respond to her.
She told me she went to our priest to get advice to reconcile our marriage and how to tell me about a gun she purchased (after I removed one from the house when I moved out). When I spoke to the priest later, he was shocked that she told me she came to him to get his advice about the gun and reconciliation. Instead she got an annulment form and did nothing but bad mouth me to the priest. She asked me to lie to a future marriage tribunal saying I deceived her about wanting children to get an annulment.
She filed for divorce. From the day I moved out she has continued to lash out in anger, talking to every one of our mutual friends, harassing them to choose her over me, kept me from our house, spent a lot of money needlessly and hurt me in ways that no one else has in my life, at least no one who said they loved me. Her behavior has been extremely vindictive and erratic. Everything she's done and said behind my back say she wanted a divorce but she would tell me something different to my face. It's been a constant whiplash and there are days (when I'm in the middle of the contradictions) feel like I don't know which way is up.
I thought my ex was the love of my life and would be it for me. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married her, especially in the Catholic Church where divorces are not ok. I still find myself feeling that grief at times and having to grieve losing 10 years of my life, family and friends as well as the life I thought we'd have together. Even though she was controlling and at times abusive, I still loved her and hoped someday (at least before I moved out), that she'd have a change of heart and we'd get the chance to salvage our relationship.
In the middle of this tragedy, I met someone and we've become very close. Ironically we knew each other 16 years ago and she'd even watched my daughter once or twice as an infant. We didn't figure this out for the first month or so we'd become re-acquainted. She's everything my ex is not. She treats me with such kindness and she understands me in a way that no one else has. She accepts me for who I am today and sees the best in me, even when I can't see it. She loves me with all of her heart and I love her very deeply. She has a small child and wants to have more. She's extremely selfless and giving. She has a beautiful soul and a smile that melts my heart. We make each other happy and we do not have major communication issues or immaturity that plagued my previous relationship.
My dilemma is with everything that has happened the last couple years and especially what's happened since I moved out has really taken a toll on me. I feel extremely damaged and part of me wonders if my heart will ever stop feeling its made of swiss cheese.
There are days when everything is fine. Then there are days when I'm distant and numb, moments where I'm depressed and saddened that things ended the way they did. I've accepted my marriage is over for some time. I did before I asked to end it. But I find myself continuing to take roller-coaster rides. Moving forward has been very painful even though I know its what is best and is what needs to happen. I seem to jump between stages and it happens at unpredictable times. Sometimes triggered by an event that reminds me of something from the past, sometimes nothing at all.
I've been seeing a therapist and I've talked about the issues and will continue to see him for awhile. He seems to think I'm progressing normally. Moving forward I do see myself having a future with my new love. She has been through what I'm going through and has really helped me keep my head above water in the most difficult thing I've gone through as an adult. I realize everyone is different and processes things at their own rate. How long does it take for the jumping around to stop and actually have traction to be healed enough to be happy most of the time without a regular trip to the amusement park?
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