Hi all, I have been lurking for some time and this is my first post. I have debated sharing my story for some time but have finally decided that I do need to talk to someone and hopefully get some advice. Sorry for the long story, I have shortened it as much as possible and thanks to those who do read it all and give me feedback.
In October 2011 my husband of the 2 years, 6 years together started acting cold towards me. Picking fights, ignoring my texts, telling me how horrible I was to him etc. I had now idea where it was coming from in my mind we were doing fine and I could not see that I was half as bad as he was expressing.
He had mentioned a female co-worker who was recently fired, he seemed really upset and said it was unfair dismissal. I thought nothing of it and assumed he was just expressing empathy. On the 9th of December he came home late and drunk I was in bed but got up to find out why he wasn't coming to bed too. I caught him masturbating, which didn't really bother me but his reaction was crazed and aggressive. He screamed at me to get away and desperately started deleting something on his phone. I put it down to embarrassment and went to bed.
The following morning he was sullen and aggressive he later confessed he had met someone who he liked and wanted to dated regardless of the fact that we are married. I was shocked and in so much pain I kept asking questions which he refused to answer at first. I cried and begged but he seemed adamant that an open marriage was the way forward and he didn't think I should mind. That it was my fault because I treated him badly and he couldn't help his feelings.
Over the course of some time the full story came out, it was his co-worker who he had obviously not just met. Then he admitted it was just them that had gone out alone. Then he admitted that he had planned it and it was not an accident, he actually fetched her at her home and then I found out he had actually been to her home before. He had met her mother and brother, how crazy is that? Also he was looking at pics of her the night I caught him although he claims he was not masturbating to them just looking at them while mastrubating... does that even make sense?
In any event I spent the time begging him to stay with me, going out of my way to do sweet things and plan romantic evenings while he maintained contact with her. He even went to her house again, although he didn't get to see her. I read her text that said sorry I was out. It was a soul destroying time for me. Although he said he would just have her as a text friend for now and then after a while maybe hang out with her, but he needed to at least remain friends with her.
This all eventually ended when I sent her a msg telling her that if she she can go on dates with my husband then she should be my friend too. I obviously didn't want to be friends with her I just wanted to scare her off and it worked. Turns out she had no romantic feelings for him what so ever and blocked him on all social media shortly after. Initially he was gutted but then seemed to act as though it was what he wanted all along anyway.
I then swung between wanting to forgive and stay with him to fighting with him and wanting to leave him for months. Everytime I would mention it would tell me to get over it because what he did was bad but not that bad. He didn't cheat and it won't happen again, he says it happened because his boundaries were low and he will not become intimate friends with females he finds attractive ever again.
Fast forward to now, almost 3 years later. I think I have forgiven him. I am no longer angry. I don't feel a need to bring it up constantly. I do not check on or monitor him in anyway. But it's almost like I just don't care anymore. I treat him well and in my heart I feel I love him but since the hysterical bonding phase has worn off I just feel no passion or need for him in my life. When I look at my marriage it is now relatively happy in that we are a good team but it is not something I think of as special or sacred. I probably would just be angry if he did the same thing again and not feel sad at all.
What is wrong with me? How do I get the actual romantic love for my husband back? He is completely transparent and caring and follows the boundaries he has set for himself carefully but I just don't care any more. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to live in a marriage where at best I would consider my husband my partner not my lover not my best friend. I don't think he has any idea. I do not want to hurt him or punish him further and so I hide these feelings from him. Please tell me what I can do get back the feelings of admiration and passion I had before? Or am I just a bad person completely incapable of true forgiveness? I feel stupid because in truth he did not actually cheat I lost all pride trying to keep him and now it's like I can't be bothered and weirdly enough not feeling anything but care for him hurts me too.
In October 2011 my husband of the 2 years, 6 years together started acting cold towards me. Picking fights, ignoring my texts, telling me how horrible I was to him etc. I had now idea where it was coming from in my mind we were doing fine and I could not see that I was half as bad as he was expressing.
He had mentioned a female co-worker who was recently fired, he seemed really upset and said it was unfair dismissal. I thought nothing of it and assumed he was just expressing empathy. On the 9th of December he came home late and drunk I was in bed but got up to find out why he wasn't coming to bed too. I caught him masturbating, which didn't really bother me but his reaction was crazed and aggressive. He screamed at me to get away and desperately started deleting something on his phone. I put it down to embarrassment and went to bed.
The following morning he was sullen and aggressive he later confessed he had met someone who he liked and wanted to dated regardless of the fact that we are married. I was shocked and in so much pain I kept asking questions which he refused to answer at first. I cried and begged but he seemed adamant that an open marriage was the way forward and he didn't think I should mind. That it was my fault because I treated him badly and he couldn't help his feelings.
Over the course of some time the full story came out, it was his co-worker who he had obviously not just met. Then he admitted it was just them that had gone out alone. Then he admitted that he had planned it and it was not an accident, he actually fetched her at her home and then I found out he had actually been to her home before. He had met her mother and brother, how crazy is that? Also he was looking at pics of her the night I caught him although he claims he was not masturbating to them just looking at them while mastrubating... does that even make sense?
In any event I spent the time begging him to stay with me, going out of my way to do sweet things and plan romantic evenings while he maintained contact with her. He even went to her house again, although he didn't get to see her. I read her text that said sorry I was out. It was a soul destroying time for me. Although he said he would just have her as a text friend for now and then after a while maybe hang out with her, but he needed to at least remain friends with her.
This all eventually ended when I sent her a msg telling her that if she she can go on dates with my husband then she should be my friend too. I obviously didn't want to be friends with her I just wanted to scare her off and it worked. Turns out she had no romantic feelings for him what so ever and blocked him on all social media shortly after. Initially he was gutted but then seemed to act as though it was what he wanted all along anyway.
I then swung between wanting to forgive and stay with him to fighting with him and wanting to leave him for months. Everytime I would mention it would tell me to get over it because what he did was bad but not that bad. He didn't cheat and it won't happen again, he says it happened because his boundaries were low and he will not become intimate friends with females he finds attractive ever again.
Fast forward to now, almost 3 years later. I think I have forgiven him. I am no longer angry. I don't feel a need to bring it up constantly. I do not check on or monitor him in anyway. But it's almost like I just don't care anymore. I treat him well and in my heart I feel I love him but since the hysterical bonding phase has worn off I just feel no passion or need for him in my life. When I look at my marriage it is now relatively happy in that we are a good team but it is not something I think of as special or sacred. I probably would just be angry if he did the same thing again and not feel sad at all.
What is wrong with me? How do I get the actual romantic love for my husband back? He is completely transparent and caring and follows the boundaries he has set for himself carefully but I just don't care any more. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to live in a marriage where at best I would consider my husband my partner not my lover not my best friend. I don't think he has any idea. I do not want to hurt him or punish him further and so I hide these feelings from him. Please tell me what I can do get back the feelings of admiration and passion I had before? Or am I just a bad person completely incapable of true forgiveness? I feel stupid because in truth he did not actually cheat I lost all pride trying to keep him and now it's like I can't be bothered and weirdly enough not feeling anything but care for him hurts me too.
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