Hey there TAM family, I previously have been posting in the "Going Through Divorce and Separation" thread, Time for a Change and decided to move my thread here.
You can kind of read my story there, although I realize now there are some definite plot holes.
Married almost 7 years, together for about 8 and a half, got married super young, and have three children. Wife and I started off rough, fighting about financial difficulties and our own personal emotional issues, then we tried having kids and had 5 miscarriages in a row. We then adopted and miraculously after some fertility treatments got pregnant, had our son, then got pregnant again, having our daughter.
Through this time and emotional turmoil we had a lot of issues both personal and together, that we just never worked out. Tried counseling a few times but I was usually the one who just wasn't up for it. Never was a fan of counseling, and always thought it just made things worse. Came to realize later unfortunately I was the one making things worse.
I had numerous issues, smoking, drinking, not being healthy food-wise, and kind of lost touch with who I was and stopped being a good husband. I always considered myself a great Dad, and was never "absent", however I started caring more about myself than what my kids wanted to do, such as rather staying home then going out and watching my kids play. I still played with my kids, paid attention to them and everything, but usually I just wanted to stay inside with them as opposed to taking them somewhere, whereas my wife wanted to do the opposite. We separated once for a little while, think my wife hoped that would wake me up, I came back, and then we tried working things out. Unfortunately I don't think I ever woke up. Separated again a few months back without ever really calling it a "separation", then we talked and said we were going to get divorced. Fast forward to today, we've both said and done things that we regret, and I have been just a real jerk to her. Kind of blamed her for the end of the marriage. Through that all though I tried to reconcile and was basically the opposite of the 180 practice, and it was more or less just sad and pathetic. I was needy, I cried, I begged, I apologized, I didn't give her space, pretty much all the above.
For whatever reason, I "woke up" yesterday, after being fairly cold to each other for a while and basically having no contact for the last couple weeks besides kids stuff, and I realized I was ready to change for my own benefit, for my kids benefit, and the benefit of the marriage. I believe in this marriage and I believe in us, and I realized I didn't want to be cold and distant anymore, I didn't need to fake being nice anymore, and I could do my best to make this work.
Currently I'm being friendly, as is she, and yesterday we probably had the best day we've had in a long time when it came to communicating. Right now, I'm working on myself as well, and knowing full well that things may not happen for us. Dieting, exercising, cutting seriously down on the drinking and trying to quit smoking. I feel the best I have in a long time about myself, and it feels amazing. I am not pursuing her, I am just being friendly. I'm not being overbearing or needy, I'm just being confident and working on myself. And I can tell she's already noticing. I am going to keep the hope alive within myself that we can make this work. I believe in us, and I believe in our family. I also believe in myself, and know I can be an amazing husband and father, and father-wise have already gotten there. My kids love hanging out with me and we are always doing stuff together. It's an awesome feeling seeing them so happy with me.
Anyways, that's where I'm at right now. Honestly just helps to write it down, and it seems everybody just kind of shares their story, so that's what I wanted to do. I have a long road ahead of me. Wish me luck. :-)
You can kind of read my story there, although I realize now there are some definite plot holes.
Married almost 7 years, together for about 8 and a half, got married super young, and have three children. Wife and I started off rough, fighting about financial difficulties and our own personal emotional issues, then we tried having kids and had 5 miscarriages in a row. We then adopted and miraculously after some fertility treatments got pregnant, had our son, then got pregnant again, having our daughter.
Through this time and emotional turmoil we had a lot of issues both personal and together, that we just never worked out. Tried counseling a few times but I was usually the one who just wasn't up for it. Never was a fan of counseling, and always thought it just made things worse. Came to realize later unfortunately I was the one making things worse.
I had numerous issues, smoking, drinking, not being healthy food-wise, and kind of lost touch with who I was and stopped being a good husband. I always considered myself a great Dad, and was never "absent", however I started caring more about myself than what my kids wanted to do, such as rather staying home then going out and watching my kids play. I still played with my kids, paid attention to them and everything, but usually I just wanted to stay inside with them as opposed to taking them somewhere, whereas my wife wanted to do the opposite. We separated once for a little while, think my wife hoped that would wake me up, I came back, and then we tried working things out. Unfortunately I don't think I ever woke up. Separated again a few months back without ever really calling it a "separation", then we talked and said we were going to get divorced. Fast forward to today, we've both said and done things that we regret, and I have been just a real jerk to her. Kind of blamed her for the end of the marriage. Through that all though I tried to reconcile and was basically the opposite of the 180 practice, and it was more or less just sad and pathetic. I was needy, I cried, I begged, I apologized, I didn't give her space, pretty much all the above.
For whatever reason, I "woke up" yesterday, after being fairly cold to each other for a while and basically having no contact for the last couple weeks besides kids stuff, and I realized I was ready to change for my own benefit, for my kids benefit, and the benefit of the marriage. I believe in this marriage and I believe in us, and I realized I didn't want to be cold and distant anymore, I didn't need to fake being nice anymore, and I could do my best to make this work.
Currently I'm being friendly, as is she, and yesterday we probably had the best day we've had in a long time when it came to communicating. Right now, I'm working on myself as well, and knowing full well that things may not happen for us. Dieting, exercising, cutting seriously down on the drinking and trying to quit smoking. I feel the best I have in a long time about myself, and it feels amazing. I am not pursuing her, I am just being friendly. I'm not being overbearing or needy, I'm just being confident and working on myself. And I can tell she's already noticing. I am going to keep the hope alive within myself that we can make this work. I believe in us, and I believe in our family. I also believe in myself, and know I can be an amazing husband and father, and father-wise have already gotten there. My kids love hanging out with me and we are always doing stuff together. It's an awesome feeling seeing them so happy with me.
Anyways, that's where I'm at right now. Honestly just helps to write it down, and it seems everybody just kind of shares their story, so that's what I wanted to do. I have a long road ahead of me. Wish me luck. :-)
Put the internet to work for you.
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