I don't want my marriage to end...but I'm afraid that's where we're headed. This might be long, bear with me.
Together 26 years, married 22.
I was married before, he was not. I brought 2 very young sons into the marriage and we had one together shortly after marriage. He's been an excellent husband, father & stepfather the large majority of those 26 years.
We dated/engaged about 4 years before marriage, lived together about 3 of that
As most couples would over the course of 26 years...we've been through a LOT. We've been best friends for the bulk of those years. We both put family first while raising the kids, going out as a family on weekends or vacations in favor of couples time. But we did try to go out on dinner dates and we kept our sex life alive & hot. In fact, in addition to being dedicated parents...our sex life was one of the glues that held us in such a tight bond. We have always had tremendous chemistry and attraction. We were also the couple everyone else said they looked up to.
So where did it all start going wrong..and what's wrong?
I'll do my best to explain but I'm not sure even I have it figured out yet.
We are battling one very large issue and a multitude of (semi petty) issues. We have been bickering constantly now..and some of our arguments actually degrade into such pettiness as who just said what and how they said it and why. yuck. I swear I think that will tear us apart more than the big stuff! Its exhausting.
After a lifetime of relatively good health, he had a long, protracted health crisis last year. It took many specialists and tests and research (on my part) to figure out his illness. He is recovered now..but near the end of the illness, he took up drinking with a vengeance. He had developed serious cravings for certain foods that he previously had an aversion to before and serious cravings to alcohol, after a lifetime of "normal" social drinking style. (neither of us were ever teetotalers)
Only he kept the drinking secret. The symptoms of the drinking at the time were just thrown into the mix of his illness..and none of us were the wiser, not even the doctors, due to some of his health symptoms being neurologic in nature.
Ultimately he lost his job of 25 years and almost his entire career, not to mention his life. He attempted suicide 3 days after losing his job (sleeping pills) and was hospitalized overnight. I'll fast forward and say that he is back to work in his same field. I am back to work as well, having taken 5 months off myself to help him heal in all ways. (During his illness, I acted as his medical liaison/advocate and mouthpiece, as he couldn't keep track of things and his memory was shot.)
I'm not sure if the drinking is entirely under control but I know its come incredibly far. I may never know entirely and the trust over that (all the lies that come with secretive drinking) is one of our very big issues now. I also spent many months fearful he would try to hurt himself again. I am trying to work on it as best I can, but its a slow process.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...he thinks (acts like) I should just go back to trusting him & his word. Gets offended if/when I don't. Which I think takes a lot of. Its causing a lot of resentment now. I didn't resent the near year spent helping him..and would do it again. But I do resent not being given the lattitude to be mistrustful until/unless its built back up! Some of the lies were devastating..both to his own health and to our family. The loss of the job and having to dig into our savings, which has been decimated, losing our health insurance ultimately while we still had one dependent child in college (which daughter and I found out the hard way..needing medical/pharmacy visits and getting denied due to no insurance)
I don't want to be the husband police or the drinking police or the financial police. But I do want to preserve what we've built up over all these years and keep us all safe. All I've really been asking for is extra reassurance *when* I am not trusting his word on things or when I think I see red flags. Ya know, lets talk it out, tell me why I'm off base in a calm logical manner and we can move on. But I'm met with a kind of indignance & arrogance that just furthers makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I also back down easily , or was until recently, because I worry what he will do if I become too assertive. THat is one of my own personal issues that I am working hard at.
A few years ago we had a very rough spot, at least a year before he got ill. I begged him to go to MC with me. He flat out refused. Fearing divorce if we didn't get some help, I got down on my knees and begged, cried, pleaded...for him to at least consider it and not give such an immediate No to the idea. He said he'd need a week to think about it. End of the week..he still said No. I was devastated, as I'd told him without it, we might not make it as a couple. (which was and remains the last thing I want) Was I really that unimportant to him, was our marriage that unimportant? Thats how I felt.
We separated that summer for about 3 months..but still lived together. It was pure Hades at times, trying to stay in the same house. He stalked me around the house, begged me to change my mind, etc. Neither of us dated others during that time. I did, however, develop what most here would call an EA, over the internet with someone in another country. It was not sexual or romantic in any sense of the word On my part)..but was certainly an emotionally bonding friendship that took center stage in my tattered life. My husband knew of this friendship at some point and went batchit crazy about it. I tried to be assertive that I was free to have this friend and also was simultaneously trying to keep a supportive friendship between us. Sounds crazy to even write that out..but thats how it was. Eventually dh and I reconciled, with him promising to go to counseling. His job at the time was in a very demanding spot and I kept allowing him to postpone beginning counseling. That w as a mistake and 6 months later the illness reared its head. So...by way of explaining, we went into that illness and drinking problem...still unresolved. He has never let me live down the internet friendship and still throws it up in my face to this day, mostly when ever I am unhappy with him or having trust issues with him. He uses it as an emotional weapon or an equalizer. (or an avoidance tactic from focusing on his own current behavior, imo!)
We finally made it to counseling a few times during the illness, but I'm pretty sure he was drunk at least one of the times and perhaps all 3 times. He dominated the sessions..and me. Then he again just refused to continue.
So...here we are at present and while he is recovered healthwise and mostly recovered as it relates to abusing alcohol ( I say mostly because most people consider abstinence the *only* recovery method and he's chosen the sinclair method)...we still have unresolved issues, we have trust issues, we have communication issues, etc.
I've asked that we attend MC again and that it start with him going to IC. (I already go). Its pretty much an ultimatum at this point. He has made the appointment...but I don't know that I trust he follow through with even the first much less subsequent visits.
His new job has hours that are horrible. He's gone a lot. I have to suck this part up because its a miracle he was able to salvage his career and we really do need him to have this job to stay afloat, at least for now. But its just another bit thrown into the mix.
The above probably reads a little like a stream of conciousness and for that I'm sorry, if its hard to understand.
I'm worn down. Exhausted now in this marriage....frankly tired of feeling the one trying to keep it all together while hearing about the undying love he has for me and wants to keep us together. Show Me! His word is getting very close to meaningless to me now. I never thought that would happen. This is what has me afraid. I was always his biggest champion, believer and knew his character as a man. Now? Not so much :(
Together 26 years, married 22.
I was married before, he was not. I brought 2 very young sons into the marriage and we had one together shortly after marriage. He's been an excellent husband, father & stepfather the large majority of those 26 years.
We dated/engaged about 4 years before marriage, lived together about 3 of that
As most couples would over the course of 26 years...we've been through a LOT. We've been best friends for the bulk of those years. We both put family first while raising the kids, going out as a family on weekends or vacations in favor of couples time. But we did try to go out on dinner dates and we kept our sex life alive & hot. In fact, in addition to being dedicated parents...our sex life was one of the glues that held us in such a tight bond. We have always had tremendous chemistry and attraction. We were also the couple everyone else said they looked up to.
So where did it all start going wrong..and what's wrong?
I'll do my best to explain but I'm not sure even I have it figured out yet.
We are battling one very large issue and a multitude of (semi petty) issues. We have been bickering constantly now..and some of our arguments actually degrade into such pettiness as who just said what and how they said it and why. yuck. I swear I think that will tear us apart more than the big stuff! Its exhausting.
After a lifetime of relatively good health, he had a long, protracted health crisis last year. It took many specialists and tests and research (on my part) to figure out his illness. He is recovered now..but near the end of the illness, he took up drinking with a vengeance. He had developed serious cravings for certain foods that he previously had an aversion to before and serious cravings to alcohol, after a lifetime of "normal" social drinking style. (neither of us were ever teetotalers)
Only he kept the drinking secret. The symptoms of the drinking at the time were just thrown into the mix of his illness..and none of us were the wiser, not even the doctors, due to some of his health symptoms being neurologic in nature.
Ultimately he lost his job of 25 years and almost his entire career, not to mention his life. He attempted suicide 3 days after losing his job (sleeping pills) and was hospitalized overnight. I'll fast forward and say that he is back to work in his same field. I am back to work as well, having taken 5 months off myself to help him heal in all ways. (During his illness, I acted as his medical liaison/advocate and mouthpiece, as he couldn't keep track of things and his memory was shot.)
I'm not sure if the drinking is entirely under control but I know its come incredibly far. I may never know entirely and the trust over that (all the lies that come with secretive drinking) is one of our very big issues now. I also spent many months fearful he would try to hurt himself again. I am trying to work on it as best I can, but its a slow process.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...he thinks (acts like) I should just go back to trusting him & his word. Gets offended if/when I don't. Which I think takes a lot of
I don't want to be the husband police or the drinking police or the financial police. But I do want to preserve what we've built up over all these years and keep us all safe. All I've really been asking for is extra reassurance *when* I am not trusting his word on things or when I think I see red flags. Ya know, lets talk it out, tell me why I'm off base in a calm logical manner and we can move on. But I'm met with a kind of indignance & arrogance that just furthers makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I also back down easily , or was until recently, because I worry what he will do if I become too assertive. THat is one of my own personal issues that I am working hard at.
A few years ago we had a very rough spot, at least a year before he got ill. I begged him to go to MC with me. He flat out refused. Fearing divorce if we didn't get some help, I got down on my knees and begged, cried, pleaded...for him to at least consider it and not give such an immediate No to the idea. He said he'd need a week to think about it. End of the week..he still said No. I was devastated, as I'd told him without it, we might not make it as a couple. (which was and remains the last thing I want) Was I really that unimportant to him, was our marriage that unimportant? Thats how I felt.
We separated that summer for about 3 months..but still lived together. It was pure Hades at times, trying to stay in the same house. He stalked me around the house, begged me to change my mind, etc. Neither of us dated others during that time. I did, however, develop what most here would call an EA, over the internet with someone in another country. It was not sexual or romantic in any sense of the word On my part)..but was certainly an emotionally bonding friendship that took center stage in my tattered life. My husband knew of this friendship at some point and went batchit crazy about it. I tried to be assertive that I was free to have this friend and also was simultaneously trying to keep a supportive friendship between us. Sounds crazy to even write that out..but thats how it was. Eventually dh and I reconciled, with him promising to go to counseling. His job at the time was in a very demanding spot and I kept allowing him to postpone beginning counseling. That w as a mistake and 6 months later the illness reared its head. So...by way of explaining, we went into that illness and drinking problem...still unresolved. He has never let me live down the internet friendship and still throws it up in my face to this day, mostly when ever I am unhappy with him or having trust issues with him. He uses it as an emotional weapon or an equalizer. (or an avoidance tactic from focusing on his own current behavior, imo!)
We finally made it to counseling a few times during the illness, but I'm pretty sure he was drunk at least one of the times and perhaps all 3 times. He dominated the sessions..and me. Then he again just refused to continue.
So...here we are at present and while he is recovered healthwise and mostly recovered as it relates to abusing alcohol ( I say mostly because most people consider abstinence the *only* recovery method and he's chosen the sinclair method)...we still have unresolved issues, we have trust issues, we have communication issues, etc.
I've asked that we attend MC again and that it start with him going to IC. (I already go). Its pretty much an ultimatum at this point. He has made the appointment...but I don't know that I trust he follow through with even the first much less subsequent visits.
His new job has hours that are horrible. He's gone a lot. I have to suck this part up because its a miracle he was able to salvage his career and we really do need him to have this job to stay afloat, at least for now. But its just another bit thrown into the mix.
The above probably reads a little like a stream of conciousness and for that I'm sorry, if its hard to understand.
I'm worn down. Exhausted now in this marriage....frankly tired of feeling the one trying to keep it all together while hearing about the undying love he has for me and wants to keep us together. Show Me! His word is getting very close to meaningless to me now. I never thought that would happen. This is what has me afraid. I was always his biggest champion, believer and knew his character as a man. Now? Not so much :(
Put the internet to work for you.
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