My H and I have had a rough first seven years. I had to wake up to the fact that I deeply struggle with boundaries and really do my homework on them because my marriage was in deep trouble without it.
there are times these arguments are so fast that it makes boundaries VERY difficult. We are in an argument right now that flared up fast and intensely and shutting it down has been a huge challenge. He is REALLY upset and some old behaviors are surfacing. Just need a cheering section coming from somewhere... I keep putting a boundary in place and just keep standing my ground. He blew up my phone a few minutes ago at work and after at least eight rings I picked up the phone and said "You do realize you are harrassing me, right? It is not ok, please stop the harrassment, and I am hanging up now" He said "I'm giving you the opportunity to speak your peace" I said "I'm not taking the opportunity to speak my peace right now, not in your frame of mind and I am hanging up now." click....
He has won a trip to Vegas for a pool tournament and yesterday he approached me with the idea of doing whatever it took to take me with him, especially since its the week of my birthday even calling me to say Happy Birthday we've got to figure out a way of going to Vegas because we just won, and even though he is not team captain nor had spoken to the team about trip plans, he decided today to approach me with the idea of it being just the team, no spouses, in a way that triggered my damage from his affair. I was truly trying to be ok and supportive of it regardless of what I was feeling, but was struggling understanding the fast shift, or the verbiage he used that was so negative. He has issues with money and it bled through today and he has no idea how it came across. I ended up feeling rejected and when I was trying to ask him questions to self check myself about what I was feeling he got HIGHLY defensive which just totally shut me down, felt like I had NO voice... fee ling pretty emotionally beat up at the moment. When he gets his back bone up it is hard as steel, he is a big man and very intimidating, so I have had to really learn how to do a FIRM but calm reaction and NOT move from it.
He will ask me how I felt rejected and the second I start trying to explain he cuts me off fast and hard. I have had to resort to totally shutting him out at the level of disrespect coming my way. Its why I won't talk about it. He isn't hearing it at all. I'm not even saying I'm right... just what I felt. He isn't seeing that the fast shift from one stance to the other and the negative verbiage about the money that I don't know if I can even communicate well here, could have left me a hurtful impression.
He is asking what verbiage and I can't even get it out to him before he's cutting me off and trying to gaslight. I'm going to try to word the verbiage here to con notate the negative tone and contrast it with positive and see if it works.
He had just finished saying that Tonya's (a girl on the team) boyfriend may charter a plane to fly them (team of 8) out there and her boyfriend could stay in her room. and as I moved forward under the assumption he wanted me there I said "If he can't go I could stay in Tonya's room with her, since the rest of the team is all guys." and he says "That would be unfair to the rest of the team if they can't take their spouses, plus it would add at least another $1000 to the trip to take you."
1. He hadn't asked so he didn't know what the rest of the team is thinking.
2. Tonya's boyfriend being there isn't unfair, but all of a sudden me going IS? and he said it so fast and hard that it really threw me emotionally.
3. the "at least" another $1000 to take me made me think... "I'm not worth $1000?"
There was no positive statement about you know what I know we want to figure out a way to get us both out there, let me check with the team, see what they are thinking about spouses. If just team goes it would cost, this... if spouses go, it's an additional xyz amount and we would just have to save up our money between now and then to make sure we are covered.
I'm trying to explain the positive vs negative affect and it is totally falling on deaf ears, so I am choosing to not speak to deaf ears. He is not coming at me in a spirit of understanding how it came across, he is purely asking me questions with the intent of proving me wrong. I am just not interested in being raked across the coals, so I have isolated myself for now. I told him flat out we are not discussing this at home in front of our son. If I have to I will take us to a hotel for the night to protect him until my husband regains a better frame of mind.
at this point I'm not going to Vegas...
there are times these arguments are so fast that it makes boundaries VERY difficult. We are in an argument right now that flared up fast and intensely and shutting it down has been a huge challenge. He is REALLY upset and some old behaviors are surfacing. Just need a cheering section coming from somewhere... I keep putting a boundary in place and just keep standing my ground. He blew up my phone a few minutes ago at work and after at least eight rings I picked up the phone and said "You do realize you are harrassing me, right? It is not ok, please stop the harrassment, and I am hanging up now" He said "I'm giving you the opportunity to speak your peace" I said "I'm not taking the opportunity to speak my peace right now, not in your frame of mind and I am hanging up now." click....
He has won a trip to Vegas for a pool tournament and yesterday he approached me with the idea of doing whatever it took to take me with him, especially since its the week of my birthday even calling me to say Happy Birthday we've got to figure out a way of going to Vegas because we just won, and even though he is not team captain nor had spoken to the team about trip plans, he decided today to approach me with the idea of it being just the team, no spouses, in a way that triggered my damage from his affair. I was truly trying to be ok and supportive of it regardless of what I was feeling, but was struggling understanding the fast shift, or the verbiage he used that was so negative. He has issues with money and it bled through today and he has no idea how it came across. I ended up feeling rejected and when I was trying to ask him questions to self check myself about what I was feeling he got HIGHLY defensive which just totally shut me down, felt like I had NO voice... fee ling pretty emotionally beat up at the moment. When he gets his back bone up it is hard as steel, he is a big man and very intimidating, so I have had to really learn how to do a FIRM but calm reaction and NOT move from it.
He will ask me how I felt rejected and the second I start trying to explain he cuts me off fast and hard. I have had to resort to totally shutting him out at the level of disrespect coming my way. Its why I won't talk about it. He isn't hearing it at all. I'm not even saying I'm right... just what I felt. He isn't seeing that the fast shift from one stance to the other and the negative verbiage about the money that I don't know if I can even communicate well here, could have left me a hurtful impression.
He is asking what verbiage and I can't even get it out to him before he's cutting me off and trying to gaslight. I'm going to try to word the verbiage here to con notate the negative tone and contrast it with positive and see if it works.
He had just finished saying that Tonya's (a girl on the team) boyfriend may charter a plane to fly them (team of 8) out there and her boyfriend could stay in her room. and as I moved forward under the assumption he wanted me there I said "If he can't go I could stay in Tonya's room with her, since the rest of the team is all guys." and he says "That would be unfair to the rest of the team if they can't take their spouses, plus it would add at least another $1000 to the trip to take you."
1. He hadn't asked so he didn't know what the rest of the team is thinking.
2. Tonya's boyfriend being there isn't unfair, but all of a sudden me going IS? and he said it so fast and hard that it really threw me emotionally.
3. the "at least" another $1000 to take me made me think... "I'm not worth $1000?"
There was no positive statement about you know what I know we want to figure out a way to get us both out there, let me check with the team, see what they are thinking about spouses. If just team goes it would cost, this... if spouses go, it's an additional xyz amount and we would just have to save up our money between now and then to make sure we are covered.
I'm trying to explain the positive vs negative affect and it is totally falling on deaf ears, so I am choosing to not speak to deaf ears. He is not coming at me in a spirit of understanding how it came across, he is purely asking me questions with the intent of proving me wrong. I am just not interested in being raked across the coals, so I have isolated myself for now. I told him flat out we are not discussing this at home in front of our son. If I have to I will take us to a hotel for the night to protect him until my husband regains a better frame of mind.
at this point I'm not going to Vegas...
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