I've been separated two years from my wife after being married for 5 years (together for 11). Biggest issue was MIL-DIL relationship issues. Like many husbands in this situation, I didn't initially know how to try to resolve the issue. She was my first really serious relationship so I lacked experience on a lot of fronts.
The other big problem was stress -- there were numerous problems and crises one right after another. Medical crises both at home and with the in laws on both sides. Job concerns, major breakdowns of household items, etc. On top of that, my wife was going to school full time and was on many classroom teams with flaky members; she cared about her grades so often took up more than her fair share of work.
She moved out at the beginning of the separation and bought a house. Initially, she wanted a divorce but some discussions put that on hold and we went to counseling. That seemed to work at first and she was going to come back but eventually she quit going and at the time said she wouldn't come back after all.
There was another man involved for a while initially on an emotional basis. He provided the proverbial "shoulder to cry on." After some time she realized the guy was a creep and gave him the boot.
After time passed, however, she decided to come back later during the first year of separation but changed her mind again after a short time. This has happened a few times.
I've used the time alone to improve myself as a person and to try to learn how to be not only a better partner but better in relationships of all kinds, period. I already took care of myself even before (working out, etc.) but I also improved how I dress and addressed some self-confidence issues.
My wife has a lot of good qualities but high self esteem is not one of them. She had an eating disorder that she still struggles with to an extent. She also doesn't like a few other aspects of her appearance. I've always told her she's perfect to me but she has baggage from growing up.
We get along great and it's never really been an effort to do so. I get along great with her family and she gets along well with the rest of mine aside from my mom, whom she resents deeply.
My wife tends to have a female foil in many situations -- almost every job and of course with the MIL. Two jobs ago she had a major enemy and has one in her current one. She has some legit grips with those coworkers but I think there's a tendency to let things get under her skin too much.
I had some things to learn as a husband. On the plus side I was faithful, did all sorts of things around the house (cleaning, making meals, etc) so she could focus on school, did things for her family, etc. On the other hand, I made some typical male mistakes, like not being a great listener and serving up advice (with good intentions, of course) rather than just hearing her out. I was a classic people pleaser type, which is why I had a hard time effectively dealing with the MIL issue. I avoided conflict and didn't even stand up for myself in many cases with others, so I didn't simply just tell my mom wife comes first. The MIL-DIL issues were really more passive aggressive type stuff where the DIL wasn't quite treated like a full family member.
Anyway, my wife has on a couple of occasions asked for divorce. However, she's never filed and recently said the thought makes her sick. She also says she still loves me but is a different person now, is scared to think of being in a relationship again and getting hurt, and her guard is up and she can't get it to relax. She says I'm her best friend and she still contacts me and sees me on a regular basis.
So I feel like she pulls me in and then pushes me back over and over.
I think I know what I would tell someone in my place but the heart struggles with what the head tells it.
I would appreciate some ideas and feedback, even if it's negative (though I hope it's constructive criticism). This original post is longer than I would've liked and kind of general but I can answer questions more specifically as it goes; if I got too detailed it'd be twice as long and off putting to read.
I would also like to help others in this situation given my own experience. So I will be responding to anyone in this thread with similar issues.
The other big problem was stress -- there were numerous problems and crises one right after another. Medical crises both at home and with the in laws on both sides. Job concerns, major breakdowns of household items, etc. On top of that, my wife was going to school full time and was on many classroom teams with flaky members; she cared about her grades so often took up more than her fair share of work.
She moved out at the beginning of the separation and bought a house. Initially, she wanted a divorce but some discussions put that on hold and we went to counseling. That seemed to work at first and she was going to come back but eventually she quit going and at the time said she wouldn't come back after all.
There was another man involved for a while initially on an emotional basis. He provided the proverbial "shoulder to cry on." After some time she realized the guy was a creep and gave him the boot.
After time passed, however, she decided to come back later during the first year of separation but changed her mind again after a short time. This has happened a few times.
I've used the time alone to improve myself as a person and to try to learn how to be not only a better partner but better in relationships of all kinds, period. I already took care of myself even before (working out, etc.) but I also improved how I dress and addressed some self-confidence issues.
My wife has a lot of good qualities but high self esteem is not one of them. She had an eating disorder that she still struggles with to an extent. She also doesn't like a few other aspects of her appearance. I've always told her she's perfect to me but she has baggage from growing up.
We get along great and it's never really been an effort to do so. I get along great with her family and she gets along well with the rest of mine aside from my mom, whom she resents deeply.
My wife tends to have a female foil in many situations -- almost every job and of course with the MIL. Two jobs ago she had a major enemy and has one in her current one. She has some legit grips with those coworkers but I think there's a tendency to let things get under her skin too much.
I had some things to learn as a husband. On the plus side I was faithful, did all sorts of things around the house (cleaning, making meals, etc) so she could focus on school, did things for her family, etc. On the other hand, I made some typical male mistakes, like not being a great listener and serving up advice (with good intentions, of course) rather than just hearing her out. I was a classic people pleaser type, which is why I had a hard time effectively dealing with the MIL issue. I avoided conflict and didn't even stand up for myself in many cases with others, so I didn't simply just tell my mom wife comes first. The MIL-DIL issues were really more passive aggressive type stuff where the DIL wasn't quite treated like a full family member.
Anyway, my wife has on a couple of occasions asked for divorce. However, she's never filed and recently said the thought makes her sick. She also says she still loves me but is a different person now, is scared to think of being in a relationship again and getting hurt, and her guard is up and she can't get it to relax. She says I'm her best friend and she still contacts me and sees me on a regular basis.
So I feel like she pulls me in and then pushes me back over and over.
I think I know what I would tell someone in my place but the heart struggles with what the head tells it.
I would appreciate some ideas and feedback, even if it's negative (though I hope it's constructive criticism). This original post is longer than I would've liked and kind of general but I can answer questions more specifically as it goes; if I got too detailed it'd be twice as long and off putting to read.
I would also like to help others in this situation given my own experience. So I will be responding to anyone in this thread with similar issues.
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