So here goes a long story for everyone to read. And before I get going if anyone does reply, understand I do not need the "be a man" speech, or everyone to feel sorry for me. Really what I need is advice, or other perspectives.
Here we go,
~Jan 5th 2014
My wife and I have been married for just shy of nine years, we've been together for a little over ten. I am in the military and while we were dating I asked her to move with me to Italy, she did and we got married and had a wonderful son. We later moved back to California (job took us there) and we had a separation. It was really both of our faults, we just were not there for each other, more so on me as the move for me wasn't easy and put a LOT of stress on me which affected the home life. She went back to S. Cali and lived with her mom and our son, we had some rough patches during the separation but eventually (7-8 months later) she called me and said she wanted to work things out, which we did. That was 2008, fast forward to know, 2014. We now have two kids, a boy and girl. We are pretty much separated once again, but this time it is my almost entirely fault (granted lack of communication on her part). Over the years I had become emotionally abusive to her, now I don't mean constant yelling and name calling, but there was some times when I made her feel bad because she can't find a job, usually difficult for military spouses overseas) I also usually messed up on holidays, didn't do squat for her birthdays/anniversaries or mother's day. Something in me snapped after she finally told me she was Unhappy with our marriage back in November 2013. I knew that I had to change, for her AND for me, for our marriage to work; problem is was I did not know how to change, and it took a few weeks to happen but I started to make the right moves, I made plans for V-day, and our 9th Year Anniversary, as her birthday she told me she wanted a divorce.
I have worked to better myself greatly, and made quite a bit of progress; probably to the point a normal spouse might give me a second chance. Problem is part of what I have changed I cant prove to her because she wont let me (dating, being a gentleman that sorta thing). She needs to build her trust back up for me but how am I supposed to do that when I have nothing to offer? She has all but said she wants me to stop trying and fighting to save our marriage.
Over the past few months I have tried to stay separate but friends (she wants as friends) but I can't do this, every time we start to interact it turns into me saying something stupid and it pushing her away. Almost like I'm walking on egg shells holding a double edged sword. I want to move out but we would probably go broke, also she is now pretty much set on divorce. I'm not ashamed to say I have on several nights cried myself to sleep and even turned to praying to help me find the strength to either let her go or to continue trying.
I have and will never hit her, it has all been verbal/emotional, I have to leave in hopes of giving her the time she needs/wants to hopefully want to work things out with me. Is it possible to live under the same roof and be "separated?" I'm currently kind of staying a friend's house but that is kind of awkward and want to come home, and maybe have HER move out like she said she could.
I have tried the 180 rule a few times, but it never works out as she has called me a few times asking me to help with the kids, or one time she called me to get mad about something and then we just hung up. Its been almost 4 months now and I am still failing at giving her her time, I want to work things out so bad I find myself talking about it before I realize what I'm doing. I miss my kids, and I miss my wife.
Here we go,
~Jan 5th 2014
My wife and I have been married for just shy of nine years, we've been together for a little over ten. I am in the military and while we were dating I asked her to move with me to Italy, she did and we got married and had a wonderful son. We later moved back to California (job took us there) and we had a separation. It was really both of our faults, we just were not there for each other, more so on me as the move for me wasn't easy and put a LOT of stress on me which affected the home life. She went back to S. Cali and lived with her mom and our son, we had some rough patches during the separation but eventually (7-8 months later) she called me and said she wanted to work things out, which we did. That was 2008, fast forward to know, 2014. We now have two kids, a boy and girl. We are pretty much separated once again, but this time it is my almost entirely fault (granted lack of communication on her part). Over the years I had become emotionally abusive to her, now I don't mean constant yelling and name calling, but there was some times when I made her feel bad because she can't find a job, usually difficult for military spouses overseas) I also usually messed up on holidays, didn't do squat for her birthdays/anniversaries or mother's day. Something in me snapped after she finally told me she was Unhappy with our marriage back in November 2013. I knew that I had to change, for her AND for me, for our marriage to work; problem is was I did not know how to change, and it took a few weeks to happen but I started to make the right moves, I made plans for V-day, and our 9th Year Anniversary, as her birthday she told me she wanted a divorce.
I have worked to better myself greatly, and made quite a bit of progress; probably to the point a normal spouse might give me a second chance. Problem is part of what I have changed I cant prove to her because she wont let me (dating, being a gentleman that sorta thing). She needs to build her trust back up for me but how am I supposed to do that when I have nothing to offer? She has all but said she wants me to stop trying and fighting to save our marriage.
Over the past few months I have tried to stay separate but friends (she wants as friends) but I can't do this, every time we start to interact it turns into me saying something stupid and it pushing her away. Almost like I'm walking on egg shells holding a double edged sword. I want to move out but we would probably go broke, also she is now pretty much set on divorce. I'm not ashamed to say I have on several nights cried myself to sleep and even turned to praying to help me find the strength to either let her go or to continue trying.
I have and will never hit her, it has all been verbal/emotional, I have to leave in hopes of giving her the time she needs/wants to hopefully want to work things out with me. Is it possible to live under the same roof and be "separated?" I'm currently kind of staying a friend's house but that is kind of awkward and want to come home, and maybe have HER move out like she said she could.
I have tried the 180 rule a few times, but it never works out as she has called me a few times asking me to help with the kids, or one time she called me to get mad about something and then we just hung up. Its been almost 4 months now and I am still failing at giving her her time, I want to work things out so bad I find myself talking about it before I realize what I'm doing. I miss my kids, and I miss my wife.
Put the internet to work for you.
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