After pushing my husband for what was wrong and why he didn't want to improve our marriage earlier today he burst out crying. Saying "he didn't want to have this conversation because that meant our relationship was over."
Apparently he doesn't love me anymore and thinks that he might have never loved me at all - he just loved the idea of being in love.
I'm going to try and find us a marriage counselor this week, he's agreed to go even though he doesn't think it will help.
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Long story -
I met my husband over 2 1/2 years ago and we've been married for about 14 months now. Up until 2 months ago we were both going to school full time (with some classes together) and working - spending most of our time together.
He didn't hang out with friends much and I flew 4000 miles to be with him so needless to say I didn't have many friends either, it was just us hanging out. Bills were very tight but we made it work.
Then his slot for military tech school came up and he begged me to come with his and have a "vacation" while he went to class. Since I didn't want to be apart from him for 4 months I accepted and we took a 3 week long road trip across the USA to see my parents and his daughter. We got terribly sick from a hotel on arrival and spent the next 2 weeks incredibly ill.
After a few weeks down here he started making friends in his classes and hanging out with them after class. I didn't mind, after all he'd never really had many friends that he saw regularly up north.
Then one week ago he starts working out with them 4 hours after class to get "in shape for me" and after being distant me all the time. During the first part of the week I found a book "His Needs, Her Needs" that I wanted to try with him to improve our marriage but I couldn't get him interested.
Earlier today I kept up asking him what was bothering him and why he didn't want to work on our relationship. After about 5 minutes he burst out crying and said that because if he did it would mean our relationship was over. And he wanted to wait til we were both in his home state to tell me that he wanted a divorce to make it "easier on me".
He said that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure if he ever was or if he just wanted the feeling of being in love. He said it's not our marriage that's bad, it's that overtime he found out that he wasn't right for me and being down here out with friends brought it to light. He said he just desires to be out alone with his friends and coming back to an empty place each night.
He said he's done everything over the last few months to try and be happy with me, but the just can't see a future with me in it anymore. He still cares for me, but he doesn't want to be married.
He said he's gone through the improvement phase and now just wanted to end it. He always internalizes everything and I asked how he thought he could hope to fix a marriage that has two people in it without letting me know and us doing it together. And he told me that it didn't matter now and he just wanted it over with.
When we first got together this was the man that cried at the airport when saying goodbye to me for the first time. I don't get what's happened between us - I know our marriage was rough before and we couldn't really afford to go out and do many fun things but I thought we were happy together.
He's agreed to try and read the book I wanted and go to marriage counseling with me, but he doesn't think that either will work. He just wants to be single. He also says the book won't do any good because he doesn't "want" anything from me and doesn't want to improve our marriage to be the best ever, he just wants out.
I also offered him this next week as a "separation" of sorts, we have 2 bedrooms - he already moved into the other one. And told him that he can go do whatever he wants and we'll stay out of each other's way, and after one week he can see how he feels. He said though that he already knows that's what he wants so it wouldn't help.
In two weeks we'll be heading back north since his classes are done with. At that point in time I need to decide if I should be trying to make a marriage work with someone who either doesn't want it to work or doesn't think it will.
If I leave I know it'll be over for good. It's embarrassing to stick around when all he wants to do is go out alone, but I keep thinking that when I leave it's over with and I'll never know what would have happened if I stayed for a bit longer.
All in all I'd welcome any advice, even though I'm feeling like it's already over. Our marriage has had our ups and downs, but honestly he seemed happy until this last week.
Apparently he doesn't love me anymore and thinks that he might have never loved me at all - he just loved the idea of being in love.
I'm going to try and find us a marriage counselor this week, he's agreed to go even though he doesn't think it will help.
- - - - -
Long story -
I met my husband over 2 1/2 years ago and we've been married for about 14 months now. Up until 2 months ago we were both going to school full time (with some classes together) and working - spending most of our time together.
He didn't hang out with friends much and I flew 4000 miles to be with him so needless to say I didn't have many friends either, it was just us hanging out. Bills were very tight but we made it work.
Then his slot for military tech school came up and he begged me to come with his and have a "vacation" while he went to class. Since I didn't want to be apart from him for 4 months I accepted and we took a 3 week long road trip across the USA to see my parents and his daughter. We got terribly sick from a hotel on arrival and spent the next 2 weeks incredibly ill.
After a few weeks down here he started making friends in his classes and hanging out with them after class. I didn't mind, after all he'd never really had many friends that he saw regularly up north.
Then one week ago he starts working out with them 4 hours after class to get "in shape for me" and after being distant me all the time. During the first part of the week I found a book "His Needs, Her Needs" that I wanted to try with him to improve our marriage but I couldn't get him interested.
Earlier today I kept up asking him what was bothering him and why he didn't want to work on our relationship. After about 5 minutes he burst out crying and said that because if he did it would mean our relationship was over. And he wanted to wait til we were both in his home state to tell me that he wanted a divorce to make it "easier on me".
He said that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure if he ever was or if he just wanted the feeling of being in love. He said it's not our marriage that's bad, it's that overtime he found out that he wasn't right for me and being down here out with friends brought it to light. He said he just desires to be out alone with his friends and coming back to an empty place each night.
He said he's done everything over the last few months to try and be happy with me, but the just can't see a future with me in it anymore. He still cares for me, but he doesn't want to be married.
He said he's gone through the improvement phase and now just wanted to end it. He always internalizes everything and I asked how he thought he could hope to fix a marriage that has two people in it without letting me know and us doing it together. And he told me that it didn't matter now and he just wanted it over with.
When we first got together this was the man that cried at the airport when saying goodbye to me for the first time. I don't get what's happened between us - I know our marriage was rough before and we couldn't really afford to go out and do many fun things but I thought we were happy together.
He's agreed to try and read the book I wanted and go to marriage counseling with me, but he doesn't think that either will work. He just wants to be single. He also says the book won't do any good because he doesn't "want" anything from me and doesn't want to improve our marriage to be the best ever, he just wants out.
I also offered him this next week as a "separation" of sorts, we have 2 bedrooms - he already moved into the other one. And told him that he can go do whatever he wants and we'll stay out of each other's way, and after one week he can see how he feels. He said though that he already knows that's what he wants so it wouldn't help.
In two weeks we'll be heading back north since his classes are done with. At that point in time I need to decide if I should be trying to make a marriage work with someone who either doesn't want it to work or doesn't think it will.
If I leave I know it'll be over for good. It's embarrassing to stick around when all he wants to do is go out alone, but I keep thinking that when I leave it's over with and I'll never know what would have happened if I stayed for a bit longer.
All in all I'd welcome any advice, even though I'm feeling like it's already over. Our marriage has had our ups and downs, but honestly he seemed happy until this last week.
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