Hi everyone -
I'm brand new here. I hope it's okay to just jump in with my story but I'm losing my mind and I'm hoping I can find some support here.
I'll try to keep it short.
I'm 45, husband is 54. No kids. We've been "together" for 19 years, married for almost 14 years.
I can't say we've had the BEST relationship. He's moody, often unkind, distant. But of course there are times when he's great. He's beautiful, funny, loving, responsible.... it's like he changes from day to day, minute to minute. But after 19 years together i love him like I've never loved anyone. I kinda figured all relationships were difficult and this was just what I was dealt and it was fine. I spent years running around in circles around him trying to make him happy. A few years ago, I insisted on marriage counseling because I was sure he would be diagnosed as depressed. And he was. The doc put him on Lexipro (antidepressants) which seemed to help a bit but after about a month, he stopped using them. Said they made him feel numb. Then he just went back to his mood swings. This was about 4 years ago.
Lately, in the last year or so, things with him have gotten worse. Always saying he's unhappy (though always ending that with saying it's not ME he's unhappy with) He hates where we live (South Florida), he wants to move. He went on a diet and lost quite a bit of weight. He was always on his computer or smart phone..... all those warning signs started going off that makes a wife's "spidey sense" start ringing bells. I researched "mid-life crisis" on google and it seemed to perfectly describe him. I thought that was the problem. I hoped we could ride it out.
On Thursday March 6th (just over 3 weeks ago now) my world collapsed. I had been sneaking looks at his text messages on his phone for a few months, and had seen some things that didn't look right, but never (or hardly) questioned him because he would just get angry and defensive and in my mind it wasn't worth the fight. But on this morning, I saw something new. A screen name I had never seen before. Along with a few lines about being "almost there", etc. what?
I googled the screen name and oh. my. god. OH MY GOD. He's been very, very, very, very active on a prostitution site. He meets with prostitutes during his lunch hour at work on what seems like a weekly basis - for what looks like the better part of about 5 years. And then writes VERY detailed descriptions of his encounters. Along with lots of posts that are just chit chat with other Johns and *****s about this and that, all making it very, very, very clear that it was him. He's a musician and he's posted his original songs, he's posted pictures of our yard, etc. There's no doubt AT ALL that these posts are by him.
When he came home later that afternoon, I had packed a bag with some of his clothes, threw the bag at him and told him to get the F*** out. He started asking why, but then when I mentioned the screen name I found he just looked at the ground and said "yes, I know what you're talking about" I tried to lock him out of the house, but he ran back into our shed where I forgot I keep an extra key, grabbed the key and ran in and grabbed his computer. We struggled for his computer, but he's stronger than me and he got it away from me and jumped in his car and sped off. According to his posts on that website (and there are nearly 4,000 posts on there) he keeps EVERYTHING on his SD card on his computer as one of the ways he hides this from me. I'm sure that SD card is floating in the Atlantic by now.
Anyway, he went and stayed with a friend... and this is his story that he's telling anyone that will listen. He's a photographer and he's saying he's only guilty of taking pictures of prostitutes for money behind my back. (As a side note, he started to pick up the hobby of photographing young nude girls years ago, he called it "art", but I put my foot down, said it made me uncomfortable and made him stop) And he's also saying he was posting "sometimes" on that website because he was "bored" but not all those posts are his. He's insisting to anyone that will listen that he's never had sex with anyone outside our marriage.
One thing he doesn't know is that I was able to break into his account on that site and I've read the email exchanges between him and the prostitutes. They're very graphic, they talk about when they're going to meet or about experiences they've had and they include his real name and phone number)
My husband spoke on the phone about 5 nights ago for the first time, but he just kept lying. Will NOT admit to seeing prostitutes, just telling me that yes, he took pictures behind my back and yes, he posted bulls*** on this website just for fun, but that's it.
I've filed for divorce and I'm waiting for the server to call me anytime now to tell me he's been served. My husband knows this is coming because the server called him earlier this week to find out where he wants to be served his divorce papers.
My head is a spinning mess. I love him. I hate him. I planned my life around him. What has he done? How could the person I love most in the world turn around and hurt me like this?
He's not begging to come home. On the phone I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he still wanted to be my husband he said yes. But these were only when I asked. He's suggested marriage counseling, but I can't see how that would even help if he continues to lie. I don't even believe he wants counseling because he wants to fix us, I think it's all part of his master plan to try to hide from our friends what a sick piece of s*** he really is. I don't know. I just feel like I don't know anything. I think I'm okay with counseling, but I don't know why. Obviously I deserve better than what he's done to me.
That's the story in a nutshell as short as I can make it. I'm a mess. I am seeing a physiologist once a week and also a neurologist who has put me on lexipro (irony?) and also Klonopan (sp?) to sleep. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping, or eating, or breathing, really. I can't believe what's happened to my world. Any words of wisdom out there???
I'm brand new here. I hope it's okay to just jump in with my story but I'm losing my mind and I'm hoping I can find some support here.
I'll try to keep it short.
I'm 45, husband is 54. No kids. We've been "together" for 19 years, married for almost 14 years.
I can't say we've had the BEST relationship. He's moody, often unkind, distant. But of course there are times when he's great. He's beautiful, funny, loving, responsible.... it's like he changes from day to day, minute to minute. But after 19 years together i love him like I've never loved anyone. I kinda figured all relationships were difficult and this was just what I was dealt and it was fine. I spent years running around in circles around him trying to make him happy. A few years ago, I insisted on marriage counseling because I was sure he would be diagnosed as depressed. And he was. The doc put him on Lexipro (antidepressants) which seemed to help a bit but after about a month, he stopped using them. Said they made him feel numb. Then he just went back to his mood swings. This was about 4 years ago.
Lately, in the last year or so, things with him have gotten worse. Always saying he's unhappy (though always ending that with saying it's not ME he's unhappy with) He hates where we live (South Florida), he wants to move. He went on a diet and lost quite a bit of weight. He was always on his computer or smart phone..... all those warning signs started going off that makes a wife's "spidey sense" start ringing bells. I researched "mid-life crisis" on google and it seemed to perfectly describe him. I thought that was the problem. I hoped we could ride it out.
On Thursday March 6th (just over 3 weeks ago now) my world collapsed. I had been sneaking looks at his text messages on his phone for a few months, and had seen some things that didn't look right, but never (or hardly) questioned him because he would just get angry and defensive and in my mind it wasn't worth the fight. But on this morning, I saw something new. A screen name I had never seen before. Along with a few lines about being "almost there", etc. what?
I googled the screen name and oh. my. god. OH MY GOD. He's been very, very, very, very active on a prostitution site. He meets with prostitutes during his lunch hour at work on what seems like a weekly basis - for what looks like the better part of about 5 years. And then writes VERY detailed descriptions of his encounters. Along with lots of posts that are just chit chat with other Johns and *****s about this and that, all making it very, very, very clear that it was him. He's a musician and he's posted his original songs, he's posted pictures of our yard, etc. There's no doubt AT ALL that these posts are by him.
When he came home later that afternoon, I had packed a bag with some of his clothes, threw the bag at him and told him to get the F*** out. He started asking why, but then when I mentioned the screen name I found he just looked at the ground and said "yes, I know what you're talking about" I tried to lock him out of the house, but he ran back into our shed where I forgot I keep an extra key, grabbed the key and ran in and grabbed his computer. We struggled for his computer, but he's stronger than me and he got it away from me and jumped in his car and sped off. According to his posts on that website (and there are nearly 4,000 posts on there) he keeps EVERYTHING on his SD card on his computer as one of the ways he hides this from me. I'm sure that SD card is floating in the Atlantic by now.
Anyway, he went and stayed with a friend... and this is his story that he's telling anyone that will listen. He's a photographer and he's saying he's only guilty of taking pictures of prostitutes for money behind my back. (As a side note, he started to pick up the hobby of photographing young nude girls years ago, he called it "art", but I put my foot down, said it made me uncomfortable and made him stop) And he's also saying he was posting "sometimes" on that website because he was "bored" but not all those posts are his. He's insisting to anyone that will listen that he's never had sex with anyone outside our marriage.
One thing he doesn't know is that I was able to break into his account on that site and I've read the email exchanges between him and the prostitutes. They're very graphic, they talk about when they're going to meet or about experiences they've had and they include his real name and phone number)
My husband spoke on the phone about 5 nights ago for the first time, but he just kept lying. Will NOT admit to seeing prostitutes, just telling me that yes, he took pictures behind my back and yes, he posted bulls*** on this website just for fun, but that's it.
I've filed for divorce and I'm waiting for the server to call me anytime now to tell me he's been served. My husband knows this is coming because the server called him earlier this week to find out where he wants to be served his divorce papers.
My head is a spinning mess. I love him. I hate him. I planned my life around him. What has he done? How could the person I love most in the world turn around and hurt me like this?
He's not begging to come home. On the phone I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he still wanted to be my husband he said yes. But these were only when I asked. He's suggested marriage counseling, but I can't see how that would even help if he continues to lie. I don't even believe he wants counseling because he wants to fix us, I think it's all part of his master plan to try to hide from our friends what a sick piece of s*** he really is. I don't know. I just feel like I don't know anything. I think I'm okay with counseling, but I don't know why. Obviously I deserve better than what he's done to me.
That's the story in a nutshell as short as I can make it. I'm a mess. I am seeing a physiologist once a week and also a neurologist who has put me on lexipro (irony?) and also Klonopan (sp?) to sleep. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping, or eating, or breathing, really. I can't believe what's happened to my world. Any words of wisdom out there???
Put the internet to work for you.
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