As a WS/BS, I feel compelled to express why having an affair was the worst possible route for me to take when I was deeply unhappy in my marriage.
First of all I risked everything, including my relationship with my children and our standing in the community. Second of all, I ruined the platonic friendship I enjoyed out in the open with my AP and his family, and by extensions a lot of other mutual friends. Thirdly, conducting the affair and the lying, sneaking around, covering up, etc that goes along with it damaged my sense of myself as basically a good and decent person with integrity.
But the worst consequence for my particular situation is that the affair obscured the real problems that were going on in my relationship that needed to be dealt with. I really wish I had the courage to deal with those problems directly instead of trying to comfort myself with another person.
We started MC 5 months after DDay, and he started his affair three months into MC. I still don't know if it was just a RA or any real details. I was in NC with my AP and was committed to working on our problems when I found the incriminating evidence of his relationship with a married coworker.
For some reason I believed him when he said it was "just an EA". He lied and lied until I waved the evidence I found (pictures carefully stored away on his computer) in front of his face. The worst was when her husband called me and told me about the thousands of sexts and other texts he read from my H to his wife on her phone. And I knew her and her husband--we saw them socially many times over the year.
Anyway, so I see that my affair triggered this landslide of pain and recrimination and the underlying problems in our relationship have been buried under all this drama.
We still haven't been able to address why we each had an affair, I thought we were making progress in MC but since he was cheating almost the whole time I see it was a false R.
By having an affair I lost any chance that he could have listened to my concerns about our marriage and taken them seriously. Now he's just focused on his hurt feelings and betrayal and I am struggling with my own feelings of guilt and betrayal.
All in all, a big waste of time and source of pain and anger that solved nothing for me. :mad:
First of all I risked everything, including my relationship with my children and our standing in the community. Second of all, I ruined the platonic friendship I enjoyed out in the open with my AP and his family, and by extensions a lot of other mutual friends. Thirdly, conducting the affair and the lying, sneaking around, covering up, etc that goes along with it damaged my sense of myself as basically a good and decent person with integrity.
But the worst consequence for my particular situation is that the affair obscured the real problems that were going on in my relationship that needed to be dealt with. I really wish I had the courage to deal with those problems directly instead of trying to comfort myself with another person.
We started MC 5 months after DDay, and he started his affair three months into MC. I still don't know if it was just a RA or any real details. I was in NC with my AP and was committed to working on our problems when I found the incriminating evidence of his relationship with a married coworker.
For some reason I believed him when he said it was "just an EA". He lied and lied until I waved the evidence I found (pictures carefully stored away on his computer) in front of his face. The worst was when her husband called me and told me about the thousands of sexts and other texts he read from my H to his wife on her phone. And I knew her and her husband--we saw them socially many times over the year.
Anyway, so I see that my affair triggered this landslide of pain and recrimination and the underlying problems in our relationship have been buried under all this drama.
We still haven't been able to address why we each had an affair, I thought we were making progress in MC but since he was cheating almost the whole time I see it was a false R.
By having an affair I lost any chance that he could have listened to my concerns about our marriage and taken them seriously. Now he's just focused on his hurt feelings and betrayal and I am struggling with my own feelings of guilt and betrayal.
All in all, a big waste of time and source of pain and anger that solved nothing for me. :mad:
Put the internet to work for you.
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