This is gonna be long as there are a lot of things at play here. Some my fault and some not my fault
A short history. My wife and I have been married almost 21 years and there have been lots of ups and downs. Many of them caused by a lack of sex which let to me having problems with porn and masterbation (wife hates both of these). Also, my wife was sexually abused as a child by an uncle and she has not fully addressed this. It was even a repressed memory until about our 5th year of marriage.
In mid September last year I decided to turn our sexless marriage around and overhaul how I treat her. Things were going great for the most part. We were more affectionate and sex was several times a week. But as it had been for years the sex was boring. No oral, very little fore play, basically quickies all the time. I discussed this several times but felt she was blowing me off. Didn't want to talk about it at all.
Through a show I was listening to I heard of a book "The Sexually Confident Wife" by Shannon Ethridge. As I knew this was a problem my wife had already admitted to I asked her if she would read the book. She downloaded it but never read it, saying that she didn't like self help books. So with bother better to do I read it myself. Hand in hand with sexual confidence it discusses at length issues arising from sexual abuse, it was also a great read overall and I learned a good bit from it.
Well this past weekend we went away to my parents beach condo to get away. On the way down I told her that I had read the book and as a favor would like her to as well. She agreed and Saturday we spent much of the time reading and watching movies. Having read the book myself was of great help as I was able to talk through things the book triggered in her. A lot about her past abuse came out and I learned it was effecting out life even more than I knew.
Saturday night we had sex. Basically just some grinding and light kissing, the. Straight to PIV intercourse (timming set by her) to completion for both of us. She rolls over to go to sleep and I'm like WTF. In the morning I'm still horny has hell, but she is not having it. So I masterbated when she got up to go watch TV. Not long after she came back in and caught me. She was pissed to say the least. Didn't say a word as we were packing up and leaving, or much of the ride home.
Since I've been reading No More Mr Nice Guy and another book on being assertive, I decided to tell her how I felt about the sex and her unwilling was to discuss it. That didn't go well and she was yelling at me in no time. I tried my best to avoid being sucked into it, but it was a long ride home and she never let up. She wasnt just mad about the masterbation. I had set loose a whole floodgate of emotions. Topics on the table were. My need for porn and masterbation, my putting her down for giveing bad sex and never being happy, my need to save our marriage, and her past sex abuse. It was more than I could handle, especially when she started the "I haven't done anything good in my life and should just kill myself" talk. Then I made matters worse when we got home. She went in while I was unloading the car. When I finally got In the house I noticed a knife missing from the butcher block and freaked out. I ran through the house and found her sitting in the bathroom. She said she didn't have the knife, and I could not see one. But I would not leave her alone. This pissed her off more.
Eventually we calmed down and talked. Everything came out. The whole I love you but I'm not happy. Sex is something I feel I have to do and often feel dirty after we do it. How all the problems I her life seem to stem from sex and she wished she didn't have a vagina, because it seems to be the source of all her problems. Oh, and she wants a divorce too. We talked for a long time, I tried not to make excuses for my faults and concentrate on getting her to a better place in her head. In the end she said she needs time to think but was staying for now (earlier she had called a friend for a place to stay). An hour later she said she did not want a divorce but was facing emotions she was not sue show to deal with. Late last night she asked me for a kiss (she seldom does this) I had felt so numb and disconnected for her all day I just lost it and started sobbing.
This morning we have been texting back and forth. I told her to give her time to think and start to heal I'm taking sex off the table for 2-3 months, and I will back down on being so affectionate. I also fully shaved for her because I found out this weekend that the uncle that molested her had a beard and mustache.
Hoping to get to know my wife soon. Seems the person she has been showing world, is not the same as the little girl inside.
Posted via Mobile Device
A short history. My wife and I have been married almost 21 years and there have been lots of ups and downs. Many of them caused by a lack of sex which let to me having problems with porn and masterbation (wife hates both of these). Also, my wife was sexually abused as a child by an uncle and she has not fully addressed this. It was even a repressed memory until about our 5th year of marriage.
In mid September last year I decided to turn our sexless marriage around and overhaul how I treat her. Things were going great for the most part. We were more affectionate and sex was several times a week. But as it had been for years the sex was boring. No oral, very little fore play, basically quickies all the time. I discussed this several times but felt she was blowing me off. Didn't want to talk about it at all.
Through a show I was listening to I heard of a book "The Sexually Confident Wife" by Shannon Ethridge. As I knew this was a problem my wife had already admitted to I asked her if she would read the book. She downloaded it but never read it, saying that she didn't like self help books. So with bother better to do I read it myself. Hand in hand with sexual confidence it discusses at length issues arising from sexual abuse, it was also a great read overall and I learned a good bit from it.
Well this past weekend we went away to my parents beach condo to get away. On the way down I told her that I had read the book and as a favor would like her to as well. She agreed and Saturday we spent much of the time reading and watching movies. Having read the book myself was of great help as I was able to talk through things the book triggered in her. A lot about her past abuse came out and I learned it was effecting out life even more than I knew.
Saturday night we had sex. Basically just some grinding and light kissing, the. Straight to PIV intercourse (timming set by her) to completion for both of us. She rolls over to go to sleep and I'm like WTF. In the morning I'm still horny has hell, but she is not having it. So I masterbated when she got up to go watch TV. Not long after she came back in and caught me. She was pissed to say the least. Didn't say a word as we were packing up and leaving, or much of the ride home.
Since I've been reading No More Mr Nice Guy and another book on being assertive, I decided to tell her how I felt about the sex and her unwilling was to discuss it. That didn't go well and she was yelling at me in no time. I tried my best to avoid being sucked into it, but it was a long ride home and she never let up. She wasnt just mad about the masterbation. I had set loose a whole floodgate of emotions. Topics on the table were. My need for porn and masterbation, my putting her down for giveing bad sex and never being happy, my need to save our marriage, and her past sex abuse. It was more than I could handle, especially when she started the "I haven't done anything good in my life and should just kill myself" talk. Then I made matters worse when we got home. She went in while I was unloading the car. When I finally got In the house I noticed a knife missing from the butcher block and freaked out. I ran through the house and found her sitting in the bathroom. She said she didn't have the knife, and I could not see one. But I would not leave her alone. This pissed her off more.
Eventually we calmed down and talked. Everything came out. The whole I love you but I'm not happy. Sex is something I feel I have to do and often feel dirty after we do it. How all the problems I her life seem to stem from sex and she wished she didn't have a vagina, because it seems to be the source of all her problems. Oh, and she wants a divorce too. We talked for a long time, I tried not to make excuses for my faults and concentrate on getting her to a better place in her head. In the end she said she needs time to think but was staying for now (earlier she had called a friend for a place to stay). An hour later she said she did not want a divorce but was facing emotions she was not sue show to deal with. Late last night she asked me for a kiss (she seldom does this) I had felt so numb and disconnected for her all day I just lost it and started sobbing.
This morning we have been texting back and forth. I told her to give her time to think and start to heal I'm taking sex off the table for 2-3 months, and I will back down on being so affectionate. I also fully shaved for her because I found out this weekend that the uncle that molested her had a beard and mustache.
Hoping to get to know my wife soon. Seems the person she has been showing world, is not the same as the little girl inside.
Posted via Mobile Device
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment