I noticed it, finally, in October of 2013. My W and I were mostly roommates that slept in the same bed. Our 22nd wedding anniversary was mid-October and my W unilaterally decided that we should just stay in instead of going out and celebrating our anniversary like we'd done the previous 21.
It was a devastating blow to me. She said she did this because she knows how stressed our budget is...yet she'd just gone out with her girlfriend for dinner the weekend before. She'd just had a mani/pedi the day prior. WTF?
It started me looking, as if under a microscope, what led up to this rejection. In October 2013, we had sex twice...my birthday and her birthday, no sex on our anniversary (she wasn't feeling "right"), and no sex for the rest of the month.
Looking back, we had our third, and surprise son in 2008. Prior to that, we had two other children born in 1997 and 1999, so we were ALMOST home free. Almost at the point where we could go out together as a couple, be husband and wife. But we had to start all over again. When our son was born, she had the Mirena IUD put in because, even when she was opened up from the C-Section, she still did not want the permanency of a tubal ligation. Prior to conception of this child, she'd been birth control-free since 1999. She had the Mirena removed last month. Not sure if the lost libido and affection had anything to do with the hormones the Mirena put into her, as compared to au-naturale prior to that conception...
We became exclusive in 1988 when she was 18 and I was 19. We married in 1991. I cannot pinpoint when she stopped being affectionate to me. I spent a lot of time rather disconnected, busy being the breadwinner for the family - she's been a SAHM since 2004. But I do know that there was a time that she love to touch me. I do not mean sexually. I mean sitting next to me on the couch, even though there's a love seat next to it. She used to grab my hand when we walked, and when I was driving. She used to rub my neck on long drives (I'm the driver in the house). She used to kiss me when she'd walk by, or just reach out and touch me. She used to come to my office (I work out of the house) with coffee. Make me a sandwich at lunch time. She used to just come in and give me big smooch and walk away.
All I discovered after our 22nd anniversary is that she does none of this any more. Since that time, I've read His Needs Her Needs (and asked her to read it too, but she has not). I've read Married Man Sex Live Primer, and No More Mr. Nice Guy. And I've implemented much of what I've learned. And she's responded affirmatively. Our sexual intimacy has increased dramatically, and it's been very, very good sex. But I still can't get over how lonely I am.
If I don't shift myself in our bed to spoon her, then there will be no affection that night. The only way she will touch me or kiss me is when I stand right there in front of her and I touch/kiss her. She does toss out the well-meaning "I love you" to me now and again, to which I reciprocate with the obligatory "I love you, too".
Last night while watching our favorite show, Downton Abbey, instead of sitting in my love seat alone and her laying on her sofa, I moved to sit so she could put her feet in my lap, which she welcomed. It made her visibly happy. I rubbed her feet, calves. Sometime in the middle of doing this, she grabbed her laptop and focused on it. I stopped rubbing her feet. Ten minutes or so later, our dog came over to her, wanting to be in her lap. She was happy as could be to move her laptop to the floor and give affirmative attention to a dog. But she can't (or won't) do that for me.
The night before last we'd gone for a drive to get gas (it was mostly an excuse for us to just steal some time for ourselves), to a place about 20 miles away. Great time for us to just chat as we enjoy each others company without a chatty 5 year old. She spent the entire drive on her iPhone...she's more interested in her FB friends than in me...I guess. My hand was right there on the center console. I could have grabbed hers, and normally, I do. But not today. As such, there was no hand holding. And I just watch trees fly by me. Not the best time for me.
Last night at bed time, as soon as she got into bed, she announced a splitting head ache. She asked me to rub her neck, and I did, as she laid across my chest. The dog jumped into bed after about 10 minutes, and she immediately made accommodations for her, and she gave her affirmative affection. But the whole time I was paying attention only to her, she gave me none. She fell asleep. I stopped. Eventually she rolled onto her side, as she always does, expecting me to move in and spoon her. This time I did not oblige her. I'm worn out on giving her affection, when she won't reciprocate.
I've talked with her about her iPHone. Her laptop in bed. I really don't want to talk to her about it again...I never bring my phone or laptop to bed. Never. Bed time used to be my favorite time of day...not because of sex (which is great when we have it), but because it USED to be time devoted to each other. Now, it's me devoted to her, and her to something else.
She's not having an affair - not an EA nor a PA. This is indisputable. And she's not HAD an affair. As she said, when I brought up my unhappiness about where our marriage had settled over the past 5 years, she had just settled that this is the way it would be until our older children were out of the house...that was acceptable to her?
Since October, I've been on a major communication-improvement regimen (I'd been locking my feelings up for a couple of decades, classic Nice-Guy). And I'm really just tired of talking about my feelings, as she doesn't seem to really want me to talk about that which she's begged me to talk for 20 years.
So...what's a lonely guy to do? Just tell her? I don't want to be passive. I don't want to cut off affection to her. Any thoughts the TAM community?
It was a devastating blow to me. She said she did this because she knows how stressed our budget is...yet she'd just gone out with her girlfriend for dinner the weekend before. She'd just had a mani/pedi the day prior. WTF?
It started me looking, as if under a microscope, what led up to this rejection. In October 2013, we had sex twice...my birthday and her birthday, no sex on our anniversary (she wasn't feeling "right"), and no sex for the rest of the month.
Looking back, we had our third, and surprise son in 2008. Prior to that, we had two other children born in 1997 and 1999, so we were ALMOST home free. Almost at the point where we could go out together as a couple, be husband and wife. But we had to start all over again. When our son was born, she had the Mirena IUD put in because, even when she was opened up from the C-Section, she still did not want the permanency of a tubal ligation. Prior to conception of this child, she'd been birth control-free since 1999. She had the Mirena removed last month. Not sure if the lost libido and affection had anything to do with the hormones the Mirena put into her, as compared to au-naturale prior to that conception...
We became exclusive in 1988 when she was 18 and I was 19. We married in 1991. I cannot pinpoint when she stopped being affectionate to me. I spent a lot of time rather disconnected, busy being the breadwinner for the family - she's been a SAHM since 2004. But I do know that there was a time that she love to touch me. I do not mean sexually. I mean sitting next to me on the couch, even though there's a love seat next to it. She used to grab my hand when we walked, and when I was driving. She used to rub my neck on long drives (I'm the driver in the house). She used to kiss me when she'd walk by, or just reach out and touch me. She used to come to my office (I work out of the house) with coffee. Make me a sandwich at lunch time. She used to just come in and give me big smooch and walk away.
All I discovered after our 22nd anniversary is that she does none of this any more. Since that time, I've read His Needs Her Needs (and asked her to read it too, but she has not). I've read Married Man Sex Live Primer, and No More Mr. Nice Guy. And I've implemented much of what I've learned. And she's responded affirmatively. Our sexual intimacy has increased dramatically, and it's been very, very good sex. But I still can't get over how lonely I am.
If I don't shift myself in our bed to spoon her, then there will be no affection that night. The only way she will touch me or kiss me is when I stand right there in front of her and I touch/kiss her. She does toss out the well-meaning "I love you" to me now and again, to which I reciprocate with the obligatory "I love you, too".
Last night while watching our favorite show, Downton Abbey, instead of sitting in my love seat alone and her laying on her sofa, I moved to sit so she could put her feet in my lap, which she welcomed. It made her visibly happy. I rubbed her feet, calves. Sometime in the middle of doing this, she grabbed her laptop and focused on it. I stopped rubbing her feet. Ten minutes or so later, our dog came over to her, wanting to be in her lap. She was happy as could be to move her laptop to the floor and give affirmative attention to a dog. But she can't (or won't) do that for me.
The night before last we'd gone for a drive to get gas (it was mostly an excuse for us to just steal some time for ourselves), to a place about 20 miles away. Great time for us to just chat as we enjoy each others company without a chatty 5 year old. She spent the entire drive on her iPhone...she's more interested in her FB friends than in me...I guess. My hand was right there on the center console. I could have grabbed hers, and normally, I do. But not today. As such, there was no hand holding. And I just watch trees fly by me. Not the best time for me.
Last night at bed time, as soon as she got into bed, she announced a splitting head ache. She asked me to rub her neck, and I did, as she laid across my chest. The dog jumped into bed after about 10 minutes, and she immediately made accommodations for her, and she gave her affirmative affection. But the whole time I was paying attention only to her, she gave me none. She fell asleep. I stopped. Eventually she rolled onto her side, as she always does, expecting me to move in and spoon her. This time I did not oblige her. I'm worn out on giving her affection, when she won't reciprocate.
I've talked with her about her iPHone. Her laptop in bed. I really don't want to talk to her about it again...I never bring my phone or laptop to bed. Never. Bed time used to be my favorite time of day...not because of sex (which is great when we have it), but because it USED to be time devoted to each other. Now, it's me devoted to her, and her to something else.
She's not having an affair - not an EA nor a PA. This is indisputable. And she's not HAD an affair. As she said, when I brought up my unhappiness about where our marriage had settled over the past 5 years, she had just settled that this is the way it would be until our older children were out of the house...that was acceptable to her?
Since October, I've been on a major communication-improvement regimen (I'd been locking my feelings up for a couple of decades, classic Nice-Guy). And I'm really just tired of talking about my feelings, as she doesn't seem to really want me to talk about that which she's begged me to talk for 20 years.
So...what's a lonely guy to do? Just tell her? I don't want to be passive. I don't want to cut off affection to her. Any thoughts the TAM community?
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