(This crosses many topic categories, but the intamacy/sex part is the killer, so I'll post here.)
Well, folks, I (male) am simply one badly-wrecked human being. I am painted into a corner and I am suffering mentally, emotionally, and physically……and my soul is crushed. I have a strong notion of what I must do, but divorce presents a two-edged sword that I'd almost rather fall upon.
On one hand, I fear divorce will destroy my connection with my kids. They rightfully love their mom, and she is their anchor (SAHM through their formative years). On the other hand, whenever I try to envision a scenario in which I sit down and say "It's over", I get physically ill; a darkness falls over me, and a voice tells me 'You don't have the balls to do that anyway.' So basically I walk around feeling like scheiss no matter which way my perspective slides. All day, every day……for years now, but specifically this past year or two when I have realized there is no going back. My love is gone and I can't force it back. It's been too long of a road. I'm at a fork in the road – the most significant one of my life – and all I keep coming back to is the fact that I am terrified to move forward at all……and the little voice says 'just stand there, let it go, you can live unhappily.'
Roughly 8 years ago, after some argument over a trivial matter, I said "Dang, do you even love me any more?" Her response was something along the lines of "I love you, but it's changed over time. Nobody stays in that giddy love phase.' Probably true enough. But then….
Around the same time, she suddenly turned in her desk chair and vented a littany of things she didn't like about me. I didn't notice anything that needed to be done around the house, I never stick with anything, I waste money……..large blanket statements. There was some validity in her statements, but just a few points…..but she chose to broadstroke everything as if I had multiple and chronic major character flaws, which is not the case. So I went out and bought a book called 'Relationship Rescue'. I wanted to work on this, on myself, and let her know I was serious about addressing her comments. She saw the book, but never even mentioned it. Never asked how it was or anything.
Another year or two go by, and one evening she wants to get a couple of beers and head to the park to hang out. I was excited about this….thought it was going to be a fun time together without the kids. But what she did was use this time to tell me even more things she didn't like about me, or the way I did things. The list was growing!! Nice Guy that I am, I stated that I would try harder, even though I really didn't know what I was going to try harder 'at'. I was just 'me', your average guy.
I was pretty upset by this new development, and wrote a letter to myself on the computer listing out the things she'd mentioned, and then countering them with examples of why she was incorrect.
A week or two later, she found this letter on the computer and we had a conversation about where we were at. She didn't know why I was upset about this growing list of dislikes, and said "This is basically a '**** you' letter!" Yes….yes, I would agree with that…..because in my world one spouse should not come up with a long list of everything they perceive is wrong about their mate. I have never, ever said anything about her appearance or character or how she does things. Well, wait….one time after she got all angry about something at dinner, I said "Ya know, that's such a minor thing to blow out of proportion, and I think you need to find some modicum of grace to separate the small stuff from the big stuff." Something like that. She responded that she was a lot like her mom in that way, and couldn't change that. Fair enough. I let it go.
Now, also about 8 years ago, our sex life dwindled to maybe 3-4 times per year. Rough going. She started saying she wasn't attracted to me that much, since I'd put on about 30 pounds (work/stress/don't do well on carbs at all I have recently discovered – for me, my weight is not an overeating or even unhealthy eating issue – it is something metabolic/hormonal/genetic. I'm a big, thick guy, like a linebacker build -- no big beer gut or anything – just 'thick'). So I suffered through that period, hoping it would get better. But she'd say things like "We're like Doug and Carrie on The King of Queens…I'm kind of the hot one, and you're kind of the fat funny one." Hahaha. Hilarious, right? Or "I wish I could be like those wives on the Biggest Loser who seem to be into their husbands no matter what, but I'm not like that."
My wife is a slim athletic type and I think she likes very slim runner-type male figures. That's not me, and never will be. So we talked more about the whole relationship and I told her, "Well, I'm never going to throw in the towel because I love you. Do you think we're going to work through this?" Her response was "I don't know."
About six years ago, we were on vacation and had sex….first time in probably 8-9 months. I expressed how nice it was and that I really wished we could rekindle our sex life and do it more often. She said that if I wanted that, I should find a prostitute (…"but wear a condom.")
From there, we ended up in separate bedrooms (she'll say it's because I snore, but that's only part of it I'm sure), and about 5.5 years ago was the last time we had sex (and she told me afterward that the whole time she was thinking about 'how that guy could have won America's got talent!'. Haahaha. Another bit of fun.
So, here we are in an entirely sexless relationship. The last time this was addressed was about 1.5 years ago when she asked me why I was so cranky all the time, rarely looked her in the eye anymore, etc. Psych 101, anybody?? I had been flat out rejected by my spouse and best friend of 30 years. Not much to feel good about, and was never getting anywhere when I brought up the issue. I know people will throw up the 'cheating' stuff, but that's a non-issue. I simply think she's asexual (even during the good years, always the same way, always the same time, no adventure, anything 'new' was seen as perverse).
Now I find myself, still young and vibrant enough to have a passionate life, stuck in a situation that she seems to find perfectly suitable for her. She's very content; you'd never know anything was wrong. We barely talk other than remarks made at a bad movie or TV show, can't remember the last 'I love you', no touch, no affection. But she's okay with this. With the kids, she's the person I married. With me, she's someone I don't know. Her whole demeanor changes, like she's just weary. Well, I'm weary, too. Weary as hell.
I can't see this improving, and I have to admit that I have checked out….been checked out for over a year now. So, this brings guilt. I feel bad I have checked out, but I had no real control over where my psyche took me on this journey, and in coping with these hurts. It just happened. Obviously there is no future here. What I wouldn't give to have someone cuddle up to me, let me hold them, all of that. Not even talking sex here, just some physical affirmation that someone is 'into' me as a human presence.
So why am I having SUCH a hard, soul-crushing time getting the courage to act? I go over the scenario repeatedly, in my head, and just can't even fathom saying those words, "I'm done." WHY? And then I end up feeling even worse (I'm talking drop to your knees anguish) knowing I don't even seem to have the courage or strength to fix my life, or to place enough value on it to DO something. Despite all the background, I know this would still come as a devastating shock to my wife. Like I said, she's very comfortable with her life. This would spin her world upside down, and I hate to do that to the one person I've seen almost every day of my life for 33 years, raised kids together, coached teams together, traveled the world together……….I try to remind myself that SHE is the one that has bled the marriage dry, but my mind doesn't affix to that notion. It will all come down on me as the bad guy – with the kids, the families, the friends…..I will be the pariah, and that scares me. My whole adult life has been all about providing for and protecting my little family…..and now I'm going to nuke all of that? It splits my heart, my brain, and my spirit right in half. Yeah, I've had suicidal thoughts, but would never do that. Just the fact that they rise up as an option is alarming enough.
I wish there were a book or a mantra or a lyric or SOMEthing that would give me the strength to do what I need to do to save myself. I have read Nice Guy and some other things, I've gone through the Bible, I've prayed for strength………..but I'm just stuck. I feel very hopeless, and have for a year now. I'm in a constant state of depression/anxiety/resentment/sorrow/anger…..never joy.
Without ripping me apart (because that's already been done on another forum), can anyone offer some help in helping me navigate back into the current of life? Am I missing something? I wonder about my childhood – dad was an often-out-late alcoholic, distant, and parents divorced when I was 18….found out then my dad was actually gay and decided to live as he needed to. So I don't have a strong 'backbone' of family to help support myself with. I feel like I'm all alone, just swingin' in the breeze…..
So lost….so much pain……so much confusion…….so much doubt.
Well, folks, I (male) am simply one badly-wrecked human being. I am painted into a corner and I am suffering mentally, emotionally, and physically……and my soul is crushed. I have a strong notion of what I must do, but divorce presents a two-edged sword that I'd almost rather fall upon.
On one hand, I fear divorce will destroy my connection with my kids. They rightfully love their mom, and she is their anchor (SAHM through their formative years). On the other hand, whenever I try to envision a scenario in which I sit down and say "It's over", I get physically ill; a darkness falls over me, and a voice tells me 'You don't have the balls to do that anyway.' So basically I walk around feeling like scheiss no matter which way my perspective slides. All day, every day……for years now, but specifically this past year or two when I have realized there is no going back. My love is gone and I can't force it back. It's been too long of a road. I'm at a fork in the road – the most significant one of my life – and all I keep coming back to is the fact that I am terrified to move forward at all……and the little voice says 'just stand there, let it go, you can live unhappily.'
Roughly 8 years ago, after some argument over a trivial matter, I said "Dang, do you even love me any more?" Her response was something along the lines of "I love you, but it's changed over time. Nobody stays in that giddy love phase.' Probably true enough. But then….
Around the same time, she suddenly turned in her desk chair and vented a littany of things she didn't like about me. I didn't notice anything that needed to be done around the house, I never stick with anything, I waste money……..large blanket statements. There was some validity in her statements, but just a few points…..but she chose to broadstroke everything as if I had multiple and chronic major character flaws, which is not the case. So I went out and bought a book called 'Relationship Rescue'. I wanted to work on this, on myself, and let her know I was serious about addressing her comments. She saw the book, but never even mentioned it. Never asked how it was or anything.
Another year or two go by, and one evening she wants to get a couple of beers and head to the park to hang out. I was excited about this….thought it was going to be a fun time together without the kids. But what she did was use this time to tell me even more things she didn't like about me, or the way I did things. The list was growing!! Nice Guy that I am, I stated that I would try harder, even though I really didn't know what I was going to try harder 'at'. I was just 'me', your average guy.
I was pretty upset by this new development, and wrote a letter to myself on the computer listing out the things she'd mentioned, and then countering them with examples of why she was incorrect.
A week or two later, she found this letter on the computer and we had a conversation about where we were at. She didn't know why I was upset about this growing list of dislikes, and said "This is basically a '**** you' letter!" Yes….yes, I would agree with that…..because in my world one spouse should not come up with a long list of everything they perceive is wrong about their mate. I have never, ever said anything about her appearance or character or how she does things. Well, wait….one time after she got all angry about something at dinner, I said "Ya know, that's such a minor thing to blow out of proportion, and I think you need to find some modicum of grace to separate the small stuff from the big stuff." Something like that. She responded that she was a lot like her mom in that way, and couldn't change that. Fair enough. I let it go.
Now, also about 8 years ago, our sex life dwindled to maybe 3-4 times per year. Rough going. She started saying she wasn't attracted to me that much, since I'd put on about 30 pounds (work/stress/don't do well on carbs at all I have recently discovered – for me, my weight is not an overeating or even unhealthy eating issue – it is something metabolic/hormonal/genetic. I'm a big, thick guy, like a linebacker build -- no big beer gut or anything – just 'thick'). So I suffered through that period, hoping it would get better. But she'd say things like "We're like Doug and Carrie on The King of Queens…I'm kind of the hot one, and you're kind of the fat funny one." Hahaha. Hilarious, right? Or "I wish I could be like those wives on the Biggest Loser who seem to be into their husbands no matter what, but I'm not like that."
My wife is a slim athletic type and I think she likes very slim runner-type male figures. That's not me, and never will be. So we talked more about the whole relationship and I told her, "Well, I'm never going to throw in the towel because I love you. Do you think we're going to work through this?" Her response was "I don't know."
About six years ago, we were on vacation and had sex….first time in probably 8-9 months. I expressed how nice it was and that I really wished we could rekindle our sex life and do it more often. She said that if I wanted that, I should find a prostitute (…"but wear a condom.")
From there, we ended up in separate bedrooms (she'll say it's because I snore, but that's only part of it I'm sure), and about 5.5 years ago was the last time we had sex (and she told me afterward that the whole time she was thinking about 'how that guy could have won America's got talent!'. Haahaha. Another bit of fun.
So, here we are in an entirely sexless relationship. The last time this was addressed was about 1.5 years ago when she asked me why I was so cranky all the time, rarely looked her in the eye anymore, etc. Psych 101, anybody?? I had been flat out rejected by my spouse and best friend of 30 years. Not much to feel good about, and was never getting anywhere when I brought up the issue. I know people will throw up the 'cheating' stuff, but that's a non-issue. I simply think she's asexual (even during the good years, always the same way, always the same time, no adventure, anything 'new' was seen as perverse).
Now I find myself, still young and vibrant enough to have a passionate life, stuck in a situation that she seems to find perfectly suitable for her. She's very content; you'd never know anything was wrong. We barely talk other than remarks made at a bad movie or TV show, can't remember the last 'I love you', no touch, no affection. But she's okay with this. With the kids, she's the person I married. With me, she's someone I don't know. Her whole demeanor changes, like she's just weary. Well, I'm weary, too. Weary as hell.
I can't see this improving, and I have to admit that I have checked out….been checked out for over a year now. So, this brings guilt. I feel bad I have checked out, but I had no real control over where my psyche took me on this journey, and in coping with these hurts. It just happened. Obviously there is no future here. What I wouldn't give to have someone cuddle up to me, let me hold them, all of that. Not even talking sex here, just some physical affirmation that someone is 'into' me as a human presence.
So why am I having SUCH a hard, soul-crushing time getting the courage to act? I go over the scenario repeatedly, in my head, and just can't even fathom saying those words, "I'm done." WHY? And then I end up feeling even worse (I'm talking drop to your knees anguish) knowing I don't even seem to have the courage or strength to fix my life, or to place enough value on it to DO something. Despite all the background, I know this would still come as a devastating shock to my wife. Like I said, she's very comfortable with her life. This would spin her world upside down, and I hate to do that to the one person I've seen almost every day of my life for 33 years, raised kids together, coached teams together, traveled the world together……….I try to remind myself that SHE is the one that has bled the marriage dry, but my mind doesn't affix to that notion. It will all come down on me as the bad guy – with the kids, the families, the friends…..I will be the pariah, and that scares me. My whole adult life has been all about providing for and protecting my little family…..and now I'm going to nuke all of that? It splits my heart, my brain, and my spirit right in half. Yeah, I've had suicidal thoughts, but would never do that. Just the fact that they rise up as an option is alarming enough.
I wish there were a book or a mantra or a lyric or SOMEthing that would give me the strength to do what I need to do to save myself. I have read Nice Guy and some other things, I've gone through the Bible, I've prayed for strength………..but I'm just stuck. I feel very hopeless, and have for a year now. I'm in a constant state of depression/anxiety/resentment/sorrow/anger…..never joy.
Without ripping me apart (because that's already been done on another forum), can anyone offer some help in helping me navigate back into the current of life? Am I missing something? I wonder about my childhood – dad was an often-out-late alcoholic, distant, and parents divorced when I was 18….found out then my dad was actually gay and decided to live as he needed to. So I don't have a strong 'backbone' of family to help support myself with. I feel like I'm all alone, just swingin' in the breeze…..
So lost….so much pain……so much confusion…….so much doubt.
Put the internet to work for you.
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