This is really long but we REALLY need help so please read.
Let me start off by saying that I've posted about my mother in law before and I received some pretty harsh comments. I see now that I probably deserved them because I realize I was being very judgmental and hurtful. It was because at that point in time, I didn't really see the severity of the situation. After my husband and I spent some time with her over the thanksgiving holidays, I now see her situation completely differently. I mean that with total sincerity and I apologize if I offended anyone with my other posts. I promise I'm not as horrible of a person as I presented myself to be, and I'd really appreciate it if you could disregard all of that and give me some helpful answers.
I explained some of her background in previous posts but just in case anyone missed that, I explain it again. My mother in law is 54 years old, she has a 19 year old son who lives with her, he doesn't work and neither does she. Her husband died about 10 years ago, leaving her responsible for making the mortgage payments and paying the utilities. When he died, she started receiving his social security checks. Every month she would get one for her and one for her son. This has been her only source of income ever since. It wasn't a lot of money but it was plenty to pay the mortgage, bills, buy groceries, etc.... She was doing just fine. The problem is that she was told from the beginning that there would come a time when the checks would stop coming. The check that she was receiving for herself would only last for a few years and her sons check would stop coming as soon as he graduated high school.
So this is something that she has known would happen for years now. Everyone assumed that she would start looking for a job and that she would have one by the time the checks stopped coming. Instead, she has been doing the opposite. A couple years ago she asked my husband and I for $1000 because she was 2 months behind on her mortgage. I was reluctant because I didn't want her asking us for money to turn into a regular thing. We are both young and haven't been married long. We are trying to save money so that we can buy our own home and pay off our debts. I didn't want anyone to interfere with this. My husband is the type of guy who helps anyone... Family or not. And at the time he didn't realize he severity of the situation. He just thought his mom made a mistake and that it was a one time thing. According to him, she had never asked him for money before.
So he gave her the money and the problem was solved for the time being. Fast forward, here we are in the same predicament. My mother in laws check stopped coming a couple years ago and earlier this year her son's stopped coming too when he graduated high school. She has been going 5 months now with absolutely zero income at all. I think her father and other family members have been helping pay some of her bills but it's getting to the point where no one can help her anymore. Her mortgage payment is $600 a month and not to mention utilities. It's just possible for my husband or any of his other family members to give her that type of money every month, nor would it be in her best interest. Her best interest is to get a job and support herself like everyone else in the world but she refuses to get one. I used to think it was just because she's lazy but there's more to it than that. She has some serious mental problems and it's to the point where it's keeping her from being able to make sensible decisions. This, combined with the fact that she is an alcoholic.
My husband and other family members have told her and her son both that they need to get jobs. They're both adults and they need to start taking responsibility for themselves. Both of them just seem to make excuses. The last couple times my husband and I have visited her, she has asked us to buy her cigarettes and alcohol. I strongly disapprove because not only is it a waste of money, but it's contributing to her problems. It's not helping her, it's only enabling her to keep doing what she's doing.
My husband agrees that it's enabling her and wants to tell her "no" but he's afraid to. He doesn't want to upset her... He's even afraid she might become suicidal if she didn't get what she wanted. So even though I don't agree with what he does, I try to understand where he is coming from because I know it has to be extremely confusing and heartbreaking to deal with something like this especially when it's your own mother.
Over the weekend, she had been drinking after my husband had apparently bought her some alcohol that she had requested, and she began to get very emotional. She basically broke down in front of us, saying how depressed she is. She said she never leaves the house, she hates that her house is so dirty and she feels like she's living in a trash pile. She was crying about not having money and saying that her mortgage hasn't been paid in months and she's going to lose her house. The house is pretty much gone and there's nothing we can do about it. I don't know of any family member that's going to keep shelling out $600 a month while she sits around on the computer playing games all day. It's just not reasonable. So everyone has accepted that the house is gone, it doesn't really matter. Everyone is just concerned for HER and her mental state.
My husband and his brother (another brother, not the 19 year old one) flat out told her that if she wants money, she needs to get a job. It's the only way. She then proceeded to say "ok.... But I don't have a way to get here! My car doesn't have insurance and my tag is expired." This is not something that a logical, normal person would say if they were in need of money. My husbands brother literally lives right next to her, and her sister lives right behind her. There's plenty of people that could take her, and if she really wanted a job bad enough she would drive herself regardless of having car insurance or not.
She was just really not making any sense and it killed my husband to see her like that. The next morning he decided he would take her to the doctor and try to get her on some medication. It's clear to him and everyone else that this is the first step. She's not going to get a job or do anything else until she gets her head straight. The problem is, when she drinks she gets emotional and wants to talk about all her problems....but then other times she is in denial and says she has no problem. She gets embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. Well by this morning she had sobered up and she was back to her usual self, acing like nothing was wrong.
My husband was worried that she wouldn't cooperate and that he wouldn't be able to get her to go to the doctor. So his plan was to take her out to lunch, just to get her out of the house at least, and then he was going to ask her if he could take her to the doctor. He knew that if he had told her his plans in the first place, He wouldn't have even gotten her out of the house. He took her out to lunch and then he ended up chickening out. He said he didn't think he would get her to agree to go, and he knew it would probably just upset her so he didn't want to bring it up. So he knows that he is enabling her in some ways and that it's wrong, but he's afraid to do what he needs to do. I explained to him that he needs to be pushy with her about it.
I told him he needs to say "I'm not paying for your alcohol, cigarettes, or giving you any money for anything anymore. I'm done enabling you and everyone else is too. This is your only other option". He's just not a confrontational person and he doesn't like to force things on anyone.. But this is something that I feel has to be done. And he's her son so I feel it would be better coming from him than me. I told him if he can convince her to get on some antidepressants or some kind of medication that I wouldn't mind at all if he pays for her doctor visit or her prescriptions. I just want her to get back to normal for her sake and for ours. It's just too much stress and too much to deal with. My plan is hopefully after being on the medication for a while, she will start improving, get a job and be able to pay for her medicine herself or maybe even stop taking it completely if the time is right.
My husband was actually the one who told me to come here and ask for advice because he just doesn't know what else to do. I've already told him my suggestions and he agrees for the most part but he's just confused and afraid. What can I say to get him to overcome his fears and do what he needs to do? Does anyone have any other suggestions? We need help desperately! I don't want this to get to the point where it jeopardizes our marriage.
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Let me start off by saying that I've posted about my mother in law before and I received some pretty harsh comments. I see now that I probably deserved them because I realize I was being very judgmental and hurtful. It was because at that point in time, I didn't really see the severity of the situation. After my husband and I spent some time with her over the thanksgiving holidays, I now see her situation completely differently. I mean that with total sincerity and I apologize if I offended anyone with my other posts. I promise I'm not as horrible of a person as I presented myself to be, and I'd really appreciate it if you could disregard all of that and give me some helpful answers.
I explained some of her background in previous posts but just in case anyone missed that, I explain it again. My mother in law is 54 years old, she has a 19 year old son who lives with her, he doesn't work and neither does she. Her husband died about 10 years ago, leaving her responsible for making the mortgage payments and paying the utilities. When he died, she started receiving his social security checks. Every month she would get one for her and one for her son. This has been her only source of income ever since. It wasn't a lot of money but it was plenty to pay the mortgage, bills, buy groceries, etc.... She was doing just fine. The problem is that she was told from the beginning that there would come a time when the checks would stop coming. The check that she was receiving for herself would only last for a few years and her sons check would stop coming as soon as he graduated high school.
So this is something that she has known would happen for years now. Everyone assumed that she would start looking for a job and that she would have one by the time the checks stopped coming. Instead, she has been doing the opposite. A couple years ago she asked my husband and I for $1000 because she was 2 months behind on her mortgage. I was reluctant because I didn't want her asking us for money to turn into a regular thing. We are both young and haven't been married long. We are trying to save money so that we can buy our own home and pay off our debts. I didn't want anyone to interfere with this. My husband is the type of guy who helps anyone... Family or not. And at the time he didn't realize he severity of the situation. He just thought his mom made a mistake and that it was a one time thing. According to him, she had never asked him for money before.
So he gave her the money and the problem was solved for the time being. Fast forward, here we are in the same predicament. My mother in laws check stopped coming a couple years ago and earlier this year her son's stopped coming too when he graduated high school. She has been going 5 months now with absolutely zero income at all. I think her father and other family members have been helping pay some of her bills but it's getting to the point where no one can help her anymore. Her mortgage payment is $600 a month and not to mention utilities. It's just possible for my husband or any of his other family members to give her that type of money every month, nor would it be in her best interest. Her best interest is to get a job and support herself like everyone else in the world but she refuses to get one. I used to think it was just because she's lazy but there's more to it than that. She has some serious mental problems and it's to the point where it's keeping her from being able to make sensible decisions. This, combined with the fact that she is an alcoholic.
My husband and other family members have told her and her son both that they need to get jobs. They're both adults and they need to start taking responsibility for themselves. Both of them just seem to make excuses. The last couple times my husband and I have visited her, she has asked us to buy her cigarettes and alcohol. I strongly disapprove because not only is it a waste of money, but it's contributing to her problems. It's not helping her, it's only enabling her to keep doing what she's doing.
My husband agrees that it's enabling her and wants to tell her "no" but he's afraid to. He doesn't want to upset her... He's even afraid she might become suicidal if she didn't get what she wanted. So even though I don't agree with what he does, I try to understand where he is coming from because I know it has to be extremely confusing and heartbreaking to deal with something like this especially when it's your own mother.
Over the weekend, she had been drinking after my husband had apparently bought her some alcohol that she had requested, and she began to get very emotional. She basically broke down in front of us, saying how depressed she is. She said she never leaves the house, she hates that her house is so dirty and she feels like she's living in a trash pile. She was crying about not having money and saying that her mortgage hasn't been paid in months and she's going to lose her house. The house is pretty much gone and there's nothing we can do about it. I don't know of any family member that's going to keep shelling out $600 a month while she sits around on the computer playing games all day. It's just not reasonable. So everyone has accepted that the house is gone, it doesn't really matter. Everyone is just concerned for HER and her mental state.
My husband and his brother (another brother, not the 19 year old one) flat out told her that if she wants money, she needs to get a job. It's the only way. She then proceeded to say "ok.... But I don't have a way to get here! My car doesn't have insurance and my tag is expired." This is not something that a logical, normal person would say if they were in need of money. My husbands brother literally lives right next to her, and her sister lives right behind her. There's plenty of people that could take her, and if she really wanted a job bad enough she would drive herself regardless of having car insurance or not.
She was just really not making any sense and it killed my husband to see her like that. The next morning he decided he would take her to the doctor and try to get her on some medication. It's clear to him and everyone else that this is the first step. She's not going to get a job or do anything else until she gets her head straight. The problem is, when she drinks she gets emotional and wants to talk about all her problems....but then other times she is in denial and says she has no problem. She gets embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. Well by this morning she had sobered up and she was back to her usual self, acing like nothing was wrong.
My husband was worried that she wouldn't cooperate and that he wouldn't be able to get her to go to the doctor. So his plan was to take her out to lunch, just to get her out of the house at least, and then he was going to ask her if he could take her to the doctor. He knew that if he had told her his plans in the first place, He wouldn't have even gotten her out of the house. He took her out to lunch and then he ended up chickening out. He said he didn't think he would get her to agree to go, and he knew it would probably just upset her so he didn't want to bring it up. So he knows that he is enabling her in some ways and that it's wrong, but he's afraid to do what he needs to do. I explained to him that he needs to be pushy with her about it.
I told him he needs to say "I'm not paying for your alcohol, cigarettes, or giving you any money for anything anymore. I'm done enabling you and everyone else is too. This is your only other option". He's just not a confrontational person and he doesn't like to force things on anyone.. But this is something that I feel has to be done. And he's her son so I feel it would be better coming from him than me. I told him if he can convince her to get on some antidepressants or some kind of medication that I wouldn't mind at all if he pays for her doctor visit or her prescriptions. I just want her to get back to normal for her sake and for ours. It's just too much stress and too much to deal with. My plan is hopefully after being on the medication for a while, she will start improving, get a job and be able to pay for her medicine herself or maybe even stop taking it completely if the time is right.
My husband was actually the one who told me to come here and ask for advice because he just doesn't know what else to do. I've already told him my suggestions and he agrees for the most part but he's just confused and afraid. What can I say to get him to overcome his fears and do what he needs to do? Does anyone have any other suggestions? We need help desperately! I don't want this to get to the point where it jeopardizes our marriage.
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