Me and my husband had a little bit of a rough start toward the beginning of our relationship and even though things are mostly better now, I can't seem to get over some of our past issues. He is 10 years older than me. He had gotten married before when he was about 22. It only lasted 4 or 5 years. They didn't have kids or anything. It wasn't long after the divorce when we met. She was pretty much his first serious relationship and I think he ended up asking her to marry him after just a year of dating. So my husband and I started out just talking to each other online. At first I don't think he was really looking to get into another relationship so soon but that's what it turned into. It didn't take long before we realized we had a lot in common and we really enjoyed talking to each other.
Eventually he started visiting me which I guess is when we officially started dating. He would come to see me usually a few days out of every month. During this time, things were going great. It felt like a fairy tale to me. He was the first guy I'd ever dated and I would have never guessed that I would be lucky enough to find the guy that I wanted to marry without having to go through a ton of other guys first. It just felt right. He was older than me so of course he was a lot more mature than guys my age, he treated me with respect, I loved that he was so caring and compassionate. He had a home and a stable good paying job. Everything was perfect about him as he seemed to love me just as much as I loved him.
We had both even talked about marriage and that we both could see ourselves marrying one another. The first time that he came to visit me he even gave me a promise ring... Which to me was basically him showing his commitment to me, leading me to believe that the next step would probably be an engagement ring. Even though I loved mostly everything about him, the fact that he had been married before did bother me, even though he told me that if he had known he was going to meet someone like me, he would have never married her and he would have just waited for me. He would tell me not to compare myself to her but I guess I was so insecure I couldn't help it. I would imagine what their wedding was like, how he proposed to her, etc...
I think I would have wanted to marry my husband anyway but the fact that he had been married before made me want to marry him even more. I know this isn't normal but it's like I was in competition with her. After he had been seeing each other for about a year, I couldn't handle the long distance relationship anymore and I hated only seeing him a few days every month so I decide to move. It was very difficult on my parents because I was their only daughter and they didn't want to see me go. As a matter of a fact they're never had to experience any of their kids move out. I have 2 brothers who are in their 30s and still live with them. I think if it was up to them none of their kids would ever leave. Despite how devastating it was for them, I left anyway because I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and he was the most important thing to me.
At first my parents were being overprotective as usual and didn't want to give him a chance even though he gave them no reason not to. I finally pretty much forced them to meet him because I knew if they met him just once they'd see he's not who they thought he was. I was right, they met him once and they thought he was great. But then when I started talking about moving, they started trying to do all they could to get me to stay. They even tried introducing me to other guys and trying to break me and my husband (my boyfriend then) up. They tried to make it extremely difficult for me to move, they wouldn't let me take my car with me (which they supposedly bought for me) and they were just making everything so stressful and complicated. At one point I got so frustrated with them that I thought it would be easier to just do what they wanted, and I ended up telling my boyfriend that I thought it would be better if we just started seeing other people because it wasn't going to wo rk. He was very upset and said he didn't want to see other people. Apparently that wasn't really what I wanted either because it wasn't too long after that when I moved to be with him. I got to a point where I decided I wasn't going to let me parents ruin it for me and that I'd do whatever I had to do. I thought moving to be with him despite all the hell my parents put me through would be enough to show him that I truly was committed to him.
Well after I moved, that's when things got a little rough. I ended up finding some old wedding pictures from when he was married before (after he told me he had gotten rid of them) and they just made me more jealous and insecure. It wasn't long after this when I started pushing marriage a lot. We had been dating for a little over a year and I moved 400 miles away to be with him. I wondered what more I had to do to prove to him that I was serious. I would always compare myself to his ex and I'd think "by the time they were dating this long he had already proposed to her. Why am I not good enough? Why was he so quick to marry her and not as quick to marry me?". Months and months went by of me asking when it was going to happen. It got to the point where I didn't even want to think about it because it just made me feel hurt.
I ended up telling him that if he didn't propose soon that I was moving on. I know I was young and everyone says you have plenty of time to get married, but they way I see it when you meet someone that you feel is right for you, why wouldn't you be in a rush to marry them? You should be ecstatic to get married, you shouldn't be putting it off. As long as you're stable and can take on the financial responsibilities of marriage I see no reason why you'd want to waste time... And I refused to let anyone waste my time. He would always use the excuse that he was just trying to think of a special way to propose to me and that he wanted to be creative but does it really take that long to figure out a special way to propose? I never bought it and I always thought he was just putting it off. Finally he did end up proposing but then the problem was that he was hesitant to set a date. And he didn't really want to help me with any of the arrangements like the cake, flowers, etc... He jus t seemed uninterested. Nearly a year after we got engaged we got married.
The problem is that even though things have been much better since all of this, I seem to still be bothered by some of our past issues. I have some resentment toward his dad because he used to live with my husband. He offered to let him stay there because he had just went through a bad divorce and he was supposedly paying so much child support that he couldn't afford his own place. So my husband being the generous guy that he is, let his dad stay with him and didn't make him pay any rent or bills. He had been there for a couple years when I moved in. I didn't care that much, I just wanted him to be gone by the time we were married and my husband even agreed that it would be best if he left by that time. I think it's fine to want to help your parents but he had helped plenty already and I just feel that it's best for a newly married couple to have their own space. I feel that if I was in my husbands place and he had moved to another state to be with me, I would have told my da d to leave, that is if my dad didn't volunteer to leave on his own.
I would think that most parents would assume that their newly married son/daughter and their spouse would want their own space. Instead I had to pretty much force my husband to get his dad to leave. The whole time we were engaged I would ask "is your dad looking into other options as to where he can live yet? He knows we are getting married and we both agreed we want our own space once we are married". He would say "we don't even have a date set yet. He doesn't know when we are going to get married". But yet he was so hesitant to set a date and it took forever to finally agree on one. Even after we did set a date, he still wouldn't talk to him about it. He just kept telling me things to appease me for the time and literally waited until a week AFTER we came back from our honeymoon to sit his dad down and talked to him. Shortly after, his dad did leave and move in with someone else but I was hoping he would have left a bit sooner. Who wants to come home from their wedding or their honeymoon to their father In law sitting on the couch? Not very intimate or romantic if you ask me.
He later admitted that he didn't want to talk to his dad about moving because he was hoping I'd eventually shut up about it and be ok with it. It upset me because I felt like he was putting his dad before me. Why didn't HE want our own space as much as I did? He told me that he did but apparently he wasn't being 100% honest. And it also made me resentful toward his dad that it had to come to that point. I didn't know why he didn't leave on his own. Clearly he could tell that I wasn't thrilled with him being there. Like I said I'm all for helping parents but he's a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself and figuring out other options which is exactly what he did. At some point I think you have to let your parents worry about themselves and start a worrying about what's best for you and your marriage.
The problem is, even though his dad is gone, I still have some bad feelings toward him and every now and then I will make a negative remark about him in front of my husband. I know this is wrong and I should be able to get over the past but for some reason I can't. My husband did get his dad to leave and I did get what I wanted but it just bothered me how it happened. It made me feel like he cared more about his dad than what was best for us. He looks at it more like I just care about myself and that once you get married that I think you should just say "screw you" to your family if they need help. That's not the case. I think you can help them but not to to the point where it's interfering with your marriage.
Last night we were talking and I finally got him to admit that the reason he was hesitant about marriage was because he didn't feel it was the right time. He says you can meet the right person but that doesn't mean that it's he right time to marry them. Plus the fact that I was young, he thought I might change my mind or that maybe I didn't know for sure what I wanted. And apparently the one time that I told him that we should see other people really stuck with him, even though I only said it out of frustration and I obviously didn't mean it. Personally I think he feels that he got married too soon before and he feared making the same mistake. He was also taking anti depressants around the time we got married so he says that being depressed and not being right in the head also played a part in all of this. I just can't help but to look back and think of how forced everything was. Why did I have to pressure him to make his dad move or why did I have to threaten to leave if he didn't propose? Why didn't HE want to marry me as much as I did him? I just don't understand the whole " the time wasn't right" thing. How can I help to get over the past and just be happy with the way things are now? Do you think two people aren't meant to be married if one has to threaten the other? I have a million things running through my head and I just want to be able to move on. Sometimes I feel insecure and I doubt his feelings for me and I think it stems from some of the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship, such as the whole marriage thing.
I know this is long and some people will probably tell me I was wrong for pressuring him but I'd rather have done that than to have someone waste my time. Any input at all would be great.
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Eventually he started visiting me which I guess is when we officially started dating. He would come to see me usually a few days out of every month. During this time, things were going great. It felt like a fairy tale to me. He was the first guy I'd ever dated and I would have never guessed that I would be lucky enough to find the guy that I wanted to marry without having to go through a ton of other guys first. It just felt right. He was older than me so of course he was a lot more mature than guys my age, he treated me with respect, I loved that he was so caring and compassionate. He had a home and a stable good paying job. Everything was perfect about him as he seemed to love me just as much as I loved him.
We had both even talked about marriage and that we both could see ourselves marrying one another. The first time that he came to visit me he even gave me a promise ring... Which to me was basically him showing his commitment to me, leading me to believe that the next step would probably be an engagement ring. Even though I loved mostly everything about him, the fact that he had been married before did bother me, even though he told me that if he had known he was going to meet someone like me, he would have never married her and he would have just waited for me. He would tell me not to compare myself to her but I guess I was so insecure I couldn't help it. I would imagine what their wedding was like, how he proposed to her, etc...
I think I would have wanted to marry my husband anyway but the fact that he had been married before made me want to marry him even more. I know this isn't normal but it's like I was in competition with her. After he had been seeing each other for about a year, I couldn't handle the long distance relationship anymore and I hated only seeing him a few days every month so I decide to move. It was very difficult on my parents because I was their only daughter and they didn't want to see me go. As a matter of a fact they're never had to experience any of their kids move out. I have 2 brothers who are in their 30s and still live with them. I think if it was up to them none of their kids would ever leave. Despite how devastating it was for them, I left anyway because I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and he was the most important thing to me.
At first my parents were being overprotective as usual and didn't want to give him a chance even though he gave them no reason not to. I finally pretty much forced them to meet him because I knew if they met him just once they'd see he's not who they thought he was. I was right, they met him once and they thought he was great. But then when I started talking about moving, they started trying to do all they could to get me to stay. They even tried introducing me to other guys and trying to break me and my husband (my boyfriend then) up. They tried to make it extremely difficult for me to move, they wouldn't let me take my car with me (which they supposedly bought for me) and they were just making everything so stressful and complicated. At one point I got so frustrated with them that I thought it would be easier to just do what they wanted, and I ended up telling my boyfriend that I thought it would be better if we just started seeing other people because it wasn't going to wo rk. He was very upset and said he didn't want to see other people. Apparently that wasn't really what I wanted either because it wasn't too long after that when I moved to be with him. I got to a point where I decided I wasn't going to let me parents ruin it for me and that I'd do whatever I had to do. I thought moving to be with him despite all the hell my parents put me through would be enough to show him that I truly was committed to him.
Well after I moved, that's when things got a little rough. I ended up finding some old wedding pictures from when he was married before (after he told me he had gotten rid of them) and they just made me more jealous and insecure. It wasn't long after this when I started pushing marriage a lot. We had been dating for a little over a year and I moved 400 miles away to be with him. I wondered what more I had to do to prove to him that I was serious. I would always compare myself to his ex and I'd think "by the time they were dating this long he had already proposed to her. Why am I not good enough? Why was he so quick to marry her and not as quick to marry me?". Months and months went by of me asking when it was going to happen. It got to the point where I didn't even want to think about it because it just made me feel hurt.
I ended up telling him that if he didn't propose soon that I was moving on. I know I was young and everyone says you have plenty of time to get married, but they way I see it when you meet someone that you feel is right for you, why wouldn't you be in a rush to marry them? You should be ecstatic to get married, you shouldn't be putting it off. As long as you're stable and can take on the financial responsibilities of marriage I see no reason why you'd want to waste time... And I refused to let anyone waste my time. He would always use the excuse that he was just trying to think of a special way to propose to me and that he wanted to be creative but does it really take that long to figure out a special way to propose? I never bought it and I always thought he was just putting it off. Finally he did end up proposing but then the problem was that he was hesitant to set a date. And he didn't really want to help me with any of the arrangements like the cake, flowers, etc... He jus t seemed uninterested. Nearly a year after we got engaged we got married.
The problem is that even though things have been much better since all of this, I seem to still be bothered by some of our past issues. I have some resentment toward his dad because he used to live with my husband. He offered to let him stay there because he had just went through a bad divorce and he was supposedly paying so much child support that he couldn't afford his own place. So my husband being the generous guy that he is, let his dad stay with him and didn't make him pay any rent or bills. He had been there for a couple years when I moved in. I didn't care that much, I just wanted him to be gone by the time we were married and my husband even agreed that it would be best if he left by that time. I think it's fine to want to help your parents but he had helped plenty already and I just feel that it's best for a newly married couple to have their own space. I feel that if I was in my husbands place and he had moved to another state to be with me, I would have told my da d to leave, that is if my dad didn't volunteer to leave on his own.
I would think that most parents would assume that their newly married son/daughter and their spouse would want their own space. Instead I had to pretty much force my husband to get his dad to leave. The whole time we were engaged I would ask "is your dad looking into other options as to where he can live yet? He knows we are getting married and we both agreed we want our own space once we are married". He would say "we don't even have a date set yet. He doesn't know when we are going to get married". But yet he was so hesitant to set a date and it took forever to finally agree on one. Even after we did set a date, he still wouldn't talk to him about it. He just kept telling me things to appease me for the time and literally waited until a week AFTER we came back from our honeymoon to sit his dad down and talked to him. Shortly after, his dad did leave and move in with someone else but I was hoping he would have left a bit sooner. Who wants to come home from their wedding or their honeymoon to their father In law sitting on the couch? Not very intimate or romantic if you ask me.
He later admitted that he didn't want to talk to his dad about moving because he was hoping I'd eventually shut up about it and be ok with it. It upset me because I felt like he was putting his dad before me. Why didn't HE want our own space as much as I did? He told me that he did but apparently he wasn't being 100% honest. And it also made me resentful toward his dad that it had to come to that point. I didn't know why he didn't leave on his own. Clearly he could tell that I wasn't thrilled with him being there. Like I said I'm all for helping parents but he's a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself and figuring out other options which is exactly what he did. At some point I think you have to let your parents worry about themselves and start a worrying about what's best for you and your marriage.
The problem is, even though his dad is gone, I still have some bad feelings toward him and every now and then I will make a negative remark about him in front of my husband. I know this is wrong and I should be able to get over the past but for some reason I can't. My husband did get his dad to leave and I did get what I wanted but it just bothered me how it happened. It made me feel like he cared more about his dad than what was best for us. He looks at it more like I just care about myself and that once you get married that I think you should just say "screw you" to your family if they need help. That's not the case. I think you can help them but not to to the point where it's interfering with your marriage.
Last night we were talking and I finally got him to admit that the reason he was hesitant about marriage was because he didn't feel it was the right time. He says you can meet the right person but that doesn't mean that it's he right time to marry them. Plus the fact that I was young, he thought I might change my mind or that maybe I didn't know for sure what I wanted. And apparently the one time that I told him that we should see other people really stuck with him, even though I only said it out of frustration and I obviously didn't mean it. Personally I think he feels that he got married too soon before and he feared making the same mistake. He was also taking anti depressants around the time we got married so he says that being depressed and not being right in the head also played a part in all of this. I just can't help but to look back and think of how forced everything was. Why did I have to pressure him to make his dad move or why did I have to threaten to leave if he didn't propose? Why didn't HE want to marry me as much as I did him? I just don't understand the whole " the time wasn't right" thing. How can I help to get over the past and just be happy with the way things are now? Do you think two people aren't meant to be married if one has to threaten the other? I have a million things running through my head and I just want to be able to move on. Sometimes I feel insecure and I doubt his feelings for me and I think it stems from some of the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship, such as the whole marriage thing.
I know this is long and some people will probably tell me I was wrong for pressuring him but I'd rather have done that than to have someone waste my time. Any input at all would be great.
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