Hi everyone,
I am 39, male and married for 13 years. We were in relationship for 4 years prior to getting married. We have a 9-year old daughter. Since the last 6 months we are in a very difficult period of our marriage as both of us openly debated whether we should divorce or not. Our marriage crisis finds most of its origin in a period of mental illness I suffered from 7 years ago. During that period, my wife stood gracefully by my side and made sure the household kept running, our daughter went to school, while I was getting the rest and help I needed. Needless to say I went through a period of intensive psychotherapy and eventually recovered as a better person, more balanced in life, stronger, with a sense of inner peace and a successful professional career. Unfortunately, I discovered 3 years ago that my wife was seeking comfort with her ex-bf and was exchanging sexually tinted messages/phone calls with him. After I confronted my wife with this, she said she was not having an affair but needed some level of comfort for the difficult time she was going through. She also told me that since my period of mental illness she was no longer able to see me as the man she fell in love with, but as the mentally ill person who might have a relapse any time. She also said she was no longer able to make love to me out of a sense of passion, but as one of the chores she is supposed to do as a good housewife. Ouch.
Since that turning point 3 years ago, I have done my uttermost to make things right and bring the old flame back to our relationship. I tried to show her I am a strong and good father, bought flowers, expensive jewellery, fancy dinners, outrageously expensive handbags, etc etc... I felt I was not getting much in return and our sex life eventually went from once per week, to once per month to once per 6 months. It is at this point (now 6 months ago) that we arrived at our marriage crisis and I told her I did not want to continue like this.
After a separate summer vacation for 2 weeks we both decided to give couples therapy a try. I made a strong statement in saying I do not want to give up on our marriage. My wife responded with "Yes me too, BUT...." Over the last 6 months we have seen our therapist on a 8-weekly basis. Our therapist also recommended that both of us should see another therapist individually. Both my wife and I agreed to do this. However, outside of our counceling there is not really any space in our relationship to talk about our problems. Whenever I try to talk to her she starts rolling her eyes and sighing. I have no clue as to what is going on with her. When I ask my wife how her therapy went I get responses like "It was nice. Insightful. Made me feel better." However, to me that could mean two things: either she is seeing things clearer for herself and perhaps it becomes evident we should break up. On the other hand, it could mean she sees way to improve our marriage and get out of this cri sis? I never know. Also, there is no affection, no love, no sex anymore in our relationship now. Except for the obligatory morning and evening kiss. :confused:
My main issues are: how long am I going to be able to tolerate this? It puts immense pressure on me and I feel lonely, unhappy and unloved. Although I committed to trying to work our marriage troubles out, I am torn apart by the question whether I should stay in this relationship or not. Perhaps I will be happier alone, or with someone else? Perhaps not.
I would be grateful if other couples could give the following advise: how much time should I give my wife before I could start to expect signs of improvement. How long will our therapy take before we can get our lives back on track? Is this as good as it gets and should I settle for whatever is left of our marriage? How can couples settle for a sexless marriage?
Thank you for your time and advise.
Chris
I am 39, male and married for 13 years. We were in relationship for 4 years prior to getting married. We have a 9-year old daughter. Since the last 6 months we are in a very difficult period of our marriage as both of us openly debated whether we should divorce or not. Our marriage crisis finds most of its origin in a period of mental illness I suffered from 7 years ago. During that period, my wife stood gracefully by my side and made sure the household kept running, our daughter went to school, while I was getting the rest and help I needed. Needless to say I went through a period of intensive psychotherapy and eventually recovered as a better person, more balanced in life, stronger, with a sense of inner peace and a successful professional career. Unfortunately, I discovered 3 years ago that my wife was seeking comfort with her ex-bf and was exchanging sexually tinted messages/phone calls with him. After I confronted my wife with this, she said she was not having an affair but needed some level of comfort for the difficult time she was going through. She also told me that since my period of mental illness she was no longer able to see me as the man she fell in love with, but as the mentally ill person who might have a relapse any time. She also said she was no longer able to make love to me out of a sense of passion, but as one of the chores she is supposed to do as a good housewife. Ouch.
Since that turning point 3 years ago, I have done my uttermost to make things right and bring the old flame back to our relationship. I tried to show her I am a strong and good father, bought flowers, expensive jewellery, fancy dinners, outrageously expensive handbags, etc etc... I felt I was not getting much in return and our sex life eventually went from once per week, to once per month to once per 6 months. It is at this point (now 6 months ago) that we arrived at our marriage crisis and I told her I did not want to continue like this.
After a separate summer vacation for 2 weeks we both decided to give couples therapy a try. I made a strong statement in saying I do not want to give up on our marriage. My wife responded with "Yes me too, BUT...." Over the last 6 months we have seen our therapist on a 8-weekly basis. Our therapist also recommended that both of us should see another therapist individually. Both my wife and I agreed to do this. However, outside of our counceling there is not really any space in our relationship to talk about our problems. Whenever I try to talk to her she starts rolling her eyes and sighing. I have no clue as to what is going on with her. When I ask my wife how her therapy went I get responses like "It was nice. Insightful. Made me feel better." However, to me that could mean two things: either she is seeing things clearer for herself and perhaps it becomes evident we should break up. On the other hand, it could mean she sees way to improve our marriage and get out of this cri sis? I never know. Also, there is no affection, no love, no sex anymore in our relationship now. Except for the obligatory morning and evening kiss. :confused:
My main issues are: how long am I going to be able to tolerate this? It puts immense pressure on me and I feel lonely, unhappy and unloved. Although I committed to trying to work our marriage troubles out, I am torn apart by the question whether I should stay in this relationship or not. Perhaps I will be happier alone, or with someone else? Perhaps not.
I would be grateful if other couples could give the following advise: how much time should I give my wife before I could start to expect signs of improvement. How long will our therapy take before we can get our lives back on track? Is this as good as it gets and should I settle for whatever is left of our marriage? How can couples settle for a sexless marriage?
Thank you for your time and advise.
Chris
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