Hi folks,
I don't normally like posting on forum boards for stuff like this, as I feel that if I have major issues like these should be discussed with a therapist, but my current insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling.
Basically, I noticed in June/July that my wife had been becoming distant. We didn't talk as much as before, intimate moments were becoming scarce, and she was regularly posting these picture quotes on Facebook that made it seem like she was vaguebooking that something was wrong, but wasn't telling me.
Eventually, she got involved in a local theatre that did the type of theatre she was into (musicals), and she started spending a lot of time with her castmates, at times to the point of neglecting personal time between ourselves. It'd be one thing if she had rehearsals, but this was random cast hangouts that in my position I would have declined to go to or at least invited her to.
My parents came up to visit us in August, and they rented a cabin at the coast, to which we were invited out to for the weekend. I was able to get work off for the friday, so I drove out there then, and she unfortunately had a rehearsal, so she'd have to come out on the Saturday. I wasn't pleased with this, but I understood that it was mandatory for her show. When she did come out on Saturday, she was again distant, even with my parents around. I finally confronted her with this fact and that I wanted to know what was going on, and she came back at me with the fact that she was trying to figure out who she was, and that she was trying to work things out for herself mentally. She said that she felt like she had missed some opportunities, not just at work or in her hobbies, but in life. When I pushed this aspect, and asked her if she meant being in other relationships, or being intimate with other people, she said that was something that she had missed out on.
I thought I was being given the "divorce talk" right there, but she said that's not what she wanted, and she just needed to figure things out in her head. It scared me so bad, and she was being so vague, that I ended up crying myself to sleep that night, while she held me. She told me the next day that some of her castmates were having a cast party the next evening and that she'd really like to go, and I told her it was okay (so as not to seem too controlling). But it wasn't something that I evidently was invited to. She went on her own, and I went home.
That next week went poorly emotionally for me, Iw anted to talk about it, but I didn't want to annoy or make her upset. I eventually had a sit down chat with her telling her I wanted to work on whatever issues we had, and she came to the point where she said that she didn't feel comfortable with sex while trying to figure things out in her head, she also asked that terrible question, "What if we can't be okay?" which prompted me to tell her that I would go to whatever lengths were needed to be okay. If I had to quit my job to go be a busker living on the street halfway across the world, I would do it for her. She also told me that there were a number of things that she had asked me to do that I hadn't done, or said I would and didn't do.
For example, I started smoking in college, and at a point she asked me to quit. I hid it for awhile, but she found out I still was, and was super upset whenever I did it. Eventually when she decided to get a tattoo (which I didn't approve of), I told her that it was okay to get one and that I never tell her what to do with her body, and as such I requested that she didn't do that to me. She agreed and dropped the constant rivalry about smoking. I never did it in the house or in my car, but I would still do it. And that is something that she originally dropped so we wouldn't be constantly fighting about it and the fact that I broke the promise to quit, but evidently it still is an issue. Same thing with wanting me to get healthy, but like any other person, I have a myriad of real and imagined "other things to do" that prevent me from exercising regularly. But it's true I need to do it more, and she went out of her way to get fit (dropped like 40 lbs) but alas I have not (was 1 85 in college, now I'm about 210, but also 10 years older).
Anyway, sorry to digress, but I then asked her why she had started a few months back password protecting everything (phone, email, etc) when before it never was an issue. She told me it was because she was having discussions about these issues she was having with a mutual (female) friend of ours, and didn't want me to either intentionally or accidentally find out before she was ready to talk to me about it (FYI: everything is still password protected). She also assured me that she was not cheating on me, and that there was no one else. I want to believe her, but I don't know if it's true as she still keeps her electronics protected.
I thought we would be able to work through it from there, but as the weeks progressed, she would still stay out late with her castmates, or always have a party/hangouts to go to with girlfriends, and some of this at the expense of when I was either expecting her to be home or when I'd take time to spend time with her. And, as with someone who has feelings, I would most times be a little pissed that she was making everything and everyone else a priority but me and our marriage. We had a few minor scuffles about it, but nothing ever came of it or was resolved.
It finally came to a head last sunday when she came home almost an hour late from a girls night she had planned with some friends. She walked in and I was a bit huffy about the fact that she said they were watching one more episode of some TV show, and that she was still an hour later than she said she'd be. She sat down and said that she was becoming more and more leery of coming home because she was always feeling attacked (and she said, "and rightfully so), and that she was usually doing something wrong and I had every right to be angry. It was after that when she said, "There's an apartment downtown..." and I lost my ****.
I was completely inconsolable; I could not stop crying. I ran to get my keys because I felt like I needed to get out of there, and had a full on sobbing panic attack in the middle of the living room. She walked over and sat with me as I told her that I didn't want her to leave, and she said she wasn't going anywhere yet, and I then told her I wanted her to promise me that she was never going to leave, to which she replied not to give her a promise to make that she couldn't guarantee. I told her I couldn't survive without her, and she said that I was strong and would do fine. What bothered me most about the whole ordeal was how I was a complete mess, sobbing on the floor, and she was very calm and collected, never getting emotional. It was honestly so painful, I don't even remember how the night ended.
The next week was difficult to get through, but I felt like we might have been doing a bit better, but she was still distant physically. I like hugging her. I like cuddling in bed with her. And she said that she was abstaining from that because she didn't want to give me the wrong idea, and that she was still uncomfortable with sex. She did agree to see a marriage counselor, and that she was seeing a therapist on her own on the 25th.
Today, was terrible though: from start to finish. Again during the night she was as far away as possible on her side of the bed. I had a nightmare, and woke up screaming, but she didn't move or flinch (which she normally does). I couldn't get back to sleep and she eventually woke up when she normally does (she has to be at her work before I get up), but as has been the trend lately, she didn't give me a kiss goodbye and tell me she loves me...
SIDE NOTE: I told her at one point that it hurt my feelings when she didn't reciprocate our usual "I Love You's" and that she was feeling pressured into saying them sometimes (Which is still something I don't understand). I asked her point blank if this was one of those stupid cliched "Always love you, but I'm not IN love with you" things that had happened to our relationship, and she said no. Sorry back to this morning...
And when she left, I was in my usual doldrums, and when I was picking up a shirt on her side of the bed, I noticed something shiny in her night stand drawer that wasn't fully closed. It was a pair of vibrators that she had bought from one her Pure Romance parties she attends/throws with her friends. But she had said that she never bought any toys, and usually her Pure Romance stuff (things like body powders, oils, etc) she shows me. But I'd never seen these before. It made me feel horrible. At least now I know how she's been able to get through the Lysistratian withholding of sex that has been going on for almost 2 months. I was so upset, I did a douchey thing and put notes next to them asking her why she needed these and that I was confused why she was uncomfortable with sex, but okay with having vibrators in her nightstand. I think I will remove the notes when I get home (as I'll be there before her).
Anyway, I was still stinging from that at lunch, when I went to look at the bank balance and saw that there was an account that bared her name as an LLC, which I couldn't remember if I'd seen before or not, and there was $800 sitting in it. I immediately texted her to know what it was for and why it was in there. She replied it was cushion money, and the LLC was set up when she was getting some ASCAP payments, and it had a better interest rate than our joint savings. This was all true, but her having $800 just sitting in an account bearing her MAIDEN NAME freaked me the f*ck out.
Things didn't go much better over lunch when I apologized for freaking out, and she said that we needed to talk about her being able to get a place to go to if "something happens" during the Marriage Counseling, which made me upset that it seemed like she was being negative and almost trying to sabotage the whole thing before it even started. To which I pushed her for finally what it was in her mind that she was trying to work out, to which she replied that all of the past broken promises which she decided not to fight about so as to keep the peace, as well as times in the past (we're talking YEARS past) when I had become emotionally distant from her because she was smothering me prior to our marriage, and had an almost emotional (not physical affair) with a woman who I considered one of my best friends at the time, and didn't realize I was hurting my wife so much. I understand that these were super tough and hard times for her, and that now I'm seeming to go through the same thing she was, but I never contemplated breaking up with her or divorcing her. Never moving out. And I wasn't one to hold past transgressions against her. Now that she's bringing up these things, I feel like I'm in double jeopardy.
And perhaps maybe I deserve that. I will not deny that there were times when I was a ****ty husband, and I wish I never engaged in such emotional antics. And now I guess the shoe is on the other foot, and I can't stand it, and don't know what to do or how to stop this oncoming train of emotional woe and keep her from leaving, which I fear may lead to divorce.
I know we need marriage counseling, but anything to help in the interim is appreciated.
Thanks.
I don't normally like posting on forum boards for stuff like this, as I feel that if I have major issues like these should be discussed with a therapist, but my current insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling.
Basically, I noticed in June/July that my wife had been becoming distant. We didn't talk as much as before, intimate moments were becoming scarce, and she was regularly posting these picture quotes on Facebook that made it seem like she was vaguebooking that something was wrong, but wasn't telling me.
Eventually, she got involved in a local theatre that did the type of theatre she was into (musicals), and she started spending a lot of time with her castmates, at times to the point of neglecting personal time between ourselves. It'd be one thing if she had rehearsals, but this was random cast hangouts that in my position I would have declined to go to or at least invited her to.
My parents came up to visit us in August, and they rented a cabin at the coast, to which we were invited out to for the weekend. I was able to get work off for the friday, so I drove out there then, and she unfortunately had a rehearsal, so she'd have to come out on the Saturday. I wasn't pleased with this, but I understood that it was mandatory for her show. When she did come out on Saturday, she was again distant, even with my parents around. I finally confronted her with this fact and that I wanted to know what was going on, and she came back at me with the fact that she was trying to figure out who she was, and that she was trying to work things out for herself mentally. She said that she felt like she had missed some opportunities, not just at work or in her hobbies, but in life. When I pushed this aspect, and asked her if she meant being in other relationships, or being intimate with other people, she said that was something that she had missed out on.
I thought I was being given the "divorce talk" right there, but she said that's not what she wanted, and she just needed to figure things out in her head. It scared me so bad, and she was being so vague, that I ended up crying myself to sleep that night, while she held me. She told me the next day that some of her castmates were having a cast party the next evening and that she'd really like to go, and I told her it was okay (so as not to seem too controlling). But it wasn't something that I evidently was invited to. She went on her own, and I went home.
That next week went poorly emotionally for me, Iw anted to talk about it, but I didn't want to annoy or make her upset. I eventually had a sit down chat with her telling her I wanted to work on whatever issues we had, and she came to the point where she said that she didn't feel comfortable with sex while trying to figure things out in her head, she also asked that terrible question, "What if we can't be okay?" which prompted me to tell her that I would go to whatever lengths were needed to be okay. If I had to quit my job to go be a busker living on the street halfway across the world, I would do it for her. She also told me that there were a number of things that she had asked me to do that I hadn't done, or said I would and didn't do.
For example, I started smoking in college, and at a point she asked me to quit. I hid it for awhile, but she found out I still was, and was super upset whenever I did it. Eventually when she decided to get a tattoo (which I didn't approve of), I told her that it was okay to get one and that I never tell her what to do with her body, and as such I requested that she didn't do that to me. She agreed and dropped the constant rivalry about smoking. I never did it in the house or in my car, but I would still do it. And that is something that she originally dropped so we wouldn't be constantly fighting about it and the fact that I broke the promise to quit, but evidently it still is an issue. Same thing with wanting me to get healthy, but like any other person, I have a myriad of real and imagined "other things to do" that prevent me from exercising regularly. But it's true I need to do it more, and she went out of her way to get fit (dropped like 40 lbs) but alas I have not (was 1 85 in college, now I'm about 210, but also 10 years older).
Anyway, sorry to digress, but I then asked her why she had started a few months back password protecting everything (phone, email, etc) when before it never was an issue. She told me it was because she was having discussions about these issues she was having with a mutual (female) friend of ours, and didn't want me to either intentionally or accidentally find out before she was ready to talk to me about it (FYI: everything is still password protected). She also assured me that she was not cheating on me, and that there was no one else. I want to believe her, but I don't know if it's true as she still keeps her electronics protected.
I thought we would be able to work through it from there, but as the weeks progressed, she would still stay out late with her castmates, or always have a party/hangouts to go to with girlfriends, and some of this at the expense of when I was either expecting her to be home or when I'd take time to spend time with her. And, as with someone who has feelings, I would most times be a little pissed that she was making everything and everyone else a priority but me and our marriage. We had a few minor scuffles about it, but nothing ever came of it or was resolved.
It finally came to a head last sunday when she came home almost an hour late from a girls night she had planned with some friends. She walked in and I was a bit huffy about the fact that she said they were watching one more episode of some TV show, and that she was still an hour later than she said she'd be. She sat down and said that she was becoming more and more leery of coming home because she was always feeling attacked (and she said, "and rightfully so), and that she was usually doing something wrong and I had every right to be angry. It was after that when she said, "There's an apartment downtown..." and I lost my ****.
I was completely inconsolable; I could not stop crying. I ran to get my keys because I felt like I needed to get out of there, and had a full on sobbing panic attack in the middle of the living room. She walked over and sat with me as I told her that I didn't want her to leave, and she said she wasn't going anywhere yet, and I then told her I wanted her to promise me that she was never going to leave, to which she replied not to give her a promise to make that she couldn't guarantee. I told her I couldn't survive without her, and she said that I was strong and would do fine. What bothered me most about the whole ordeal was how I was a complete mess, sobbing on the floor, and she was very calm and collected, never getting emotional. It was honestly so painful, I don't even remember how the night ended.
The next week was difficult to get through, but I felt like we might have been doing a bit better, but she was still distant physically. I like hugging her. I like cuddling in bed with her. And she said that she was abstaining from that because she didn't want to give me the wrong idea, and that she was still uncomfortable with sex. She did agree to see a marriage counselor, and that she was seeing a therapist on her own on the 25th.
Today, was terrible though: from start to finish. Again during the night she was as far away as possible on her side of the bed. I had a nightmare, and woke up screaming, but she didn't move or flinch (which she normally does). I couldn't get back to sleep and she eventually woke up when she normally does (she has to be at her work before I get up), but as has been the trend lately, she didn't give me a kiss goodbye and tell me she loves me...
SIDE NOTE: I told her at one point that it hurt my feelings when she didn't reciprocate our usual "I Love You's" and that she was feeling pressured into saying them sometimes (Which is still something I don't understand). I asked her point blank if this was one of those stupid cliched "Always love you, but I'm not IN love with you" things that had happened to our relationship, and she said no. Sorry back to this morning...
And when she left, I was in my usual doldrums, and when I was picking up a shirt on her side of the bed, I noticed something shiny in her night stand drawer that wasn't fully closed. It was a pair of vibrators that she had bought from one her Pure Romance parties she attends/throws with her friends. But she had said that she never bought any toys, and usually her Pure Romance stuff (things like body powders, oils, etc) she shows me. But I'd never seen these before. It made me feel horrible. At least now I know how she's been able to get through the Lysistratian withholding of sex that has been going on for almost 2 months. I was so upset, I did a douchey thing and put notes next to them asking her why she needed these and that I was confused why she was uncomfortable with sex, but okay with having vibrators in her nightstand. I think I will remove the notes when I get home (as I'll be there before her).
Anyway, I was still stinging from that at lunch, when I went to look at the bank balance and saw that there was an account that bared her name as an LLC, which I couldn't remember if I'd seen before or not, and there was $800 sitting in it. I immediately texted her to know what it was for and why it was in there. She replied it was cushion money, and the LLC was set up when she was getting some ASCAP payments, and it had a better interest rate than our joint savings. This was all true, but her having $800 just sitting in an account bearing her MAIDEN NAME freaked me the f*ck out.
Things didn't go much better over lunch when I apologized for freaking out, and she said that we needed to talk about her being able to get a place to go to if "something happens" during the Marriage Counseling, which made me upset that it seemed like she was being negative and almost trying to sabotage the whole thing before it even started. To which I pushed her for finally what it was in her mind that she was trying to work out, to which she replied that all of the past broken promises which she decided not to fight about so as to keep the peace, as well as times in the past (we're talking YEARS past) when I had become emotionally distant from her because she was smothering me prior to our marriage, and had an almost emotional (not physical affair) with a woman who I considered one of my best friends at the time, and didn't realize I was hurting my wife so much. I understand that these were super tough and hard times for her, and that now I'm seeming to go through the same thing she was, but I never contemplated breaking up with her or divorcing her. Never moving out. And I wasn't one to hold past transgressions against her. Now that she's bringing up these things, I feel like I'm in double jeopardy.
And perhaps maybe I deserve that. I will not deny that there were times when I was a ****ty husband, and I wish I never engaged in such emotional antics. And now I guess the shoe is on the other foot, and I can't stand it, and don't know what to do or how to stop this oncoming train of emotional woe and keep her from leaving, which I fear may lead to divorce.
I know we need marriage counseling, but anything to help in the interim is appreciated.
Thanks.
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