Please note that this post may not be coherent as it is just an expression of my bottled-up feelings. Expressions used may also appeal as vulgar to some.
Most of the day I literally feel like I am being attacked left, right and center.
I have this extreme sensitivity most of the time that is starting to rip my nervous system apart. I've turned from a relatively confident and self-spoken person to someone who feels like his stomach will explode when speaking with someone, even though I realise that this is COMPLETELY irrational and counterproductive. It's like the Sixth Sense that our ancestors may have developed living in the jungle to fend themselves away from dangers.
If I endure this pain then really disturbing and unintentional psychic phenomena happen. This has started almost 2 years and I wishfully thought that it was a 'phase' of some sort, it's dormant somewhat today just because I have changed approach.
My parents have, almost to-the-word, disowned me because I chose to change my belief system out of love and witnessing the state of mind that adherents to this religion usually have. I never once lectured them on what I thought was wrong with their beliefs etc. because I know that it will not play -- they have been stuck to this pattern (reinforced by daily prayers and rituals) for many decades. Not my business anyway, as long as I can have my own choices.
But what's worse is that I am DEPENDENT on them, financially. This really frustrates me because I feel like my earning prospects are excellent. I study finance/Business and I am willing to work my butt off if I have to in order to make a success of myself and become independent.
I am lead to suspect that my family is using some taboo techniques (psychic stuff) to draw me back using force, or to dominate me. I have let this happen for too long, because I 'respect' them, eventually wanting to 'help' and 'repay' them, and have become too amenable to their orders/instructions (other than forcing religious teachings down my throat, which is wrong in my view. It is principles which I am interested in.) that I have weakened my self significantly. At this stage, I am focusing on getting back my own power and building up an ego barrier.
My suspicions, by the way, were confirmed several times - intuitionally and 'chance happenings'.
I don't have friends. Maybe I don't blame people either, because my situation at this time is dim and the 'vision' for my life is grand. I am also impatient and results-focused so have to really work on the emotions department. I have not had a girlfriend once... I have not been cuddled... have not enjoyed sharing an intimate relationship/friendship long-term.
Sometimes I sense that I may be 'repulsive' to others at a deeper level. I've been trying to have a 'loving' atmosphere but have not been succeeding significantly.
I realise that this 'nervousness' is something within me, a creative spur, that is stopped from expressing itself due to a restrictive environment, or most likely my conscious thought process and self-limitations.
Have no idea what to expect as responses here. I want to get back to humanity and stop being 'repulsive' to people (my looks are mostly fine but the psychological/soul element is starting to show in my expression and approach). I want friends, I want a partner who I can cuddle with etc. (being upfront here?), I want to reach my potential in a career and I want to become truly independent and to stop being a puppet.
Thanks for reading, please ask any questions. :)
Most of the day I literally feel like I am being attacked left, right and center.
I have this extreme sensitivity most of the time that is starting to rip my nervous system apart. I've turned from a relatively confident and self-spoken person to someone who feels like his stomach will explode when speaking with someone, even though I realise that this is COMPLETELY irrational and counterproductive. It's like the Sixth Sense that our ancestors may have developed living in the jungle to fend themselves away from dangers.
If I endure this pain then really disturbing and unintentional psychic phenomena happen. This has started almost 2 years and I wishfully thought that it was a 'phase' of some sort, it's dormant somewhat today just because I have changed approach.
My parents have, almost to-the-word, disowned me because I chose to change my belief system out of love and witnessing the state of mind that adherents to this religion usually have. I never once lectured them on what I thought was wrong with their beliefs etc. because I know that it will not play -- they have been stuck to this pattern (reinforced by daily prayers and rituals) for many decades. Not my business anyway, as long as I can have my own choices.
But what's worse is that I am DEPENDENT on them, financially. This really frustrates me because I feel like my earning prospects are excellent. I study finance/Business and I am willing to work my butt off if I have to in order to make a success of myself and become independent.
I am lead to suspect that my family is using some taboo techniques (psychic stuff) to draw me back using force, or to dominate me. I have let this happen for too long, because I 'respect' them, eventually wanting to 'help' and 'repay' them, and have become too amenable to their orders/instructions (other than forcing religious teachings down my throat, which is wrong in my view. It is principles which I am interested in.) that I have weakened my self significantly. At this stage, I am focusing on getting back my own power and building up an ego barrier.
My suspicions, by the way, were confirmed several times - intuitionally and 'chance happenings'.
I don't have friends. Maybe I don't blame people either, because my situation at this time is dim and the 'vision' for my life is grand. I am also impatient and results-focused so have to really work on the emotions department. I have not had a girlfriend once... I have not been cuddled... have not enjoyed sharing an intimate relationship/friendship long-term.
Sometimes I sense that I may be 'repulsive' to others at a deeper level. I've been trying to have a 'loving' atmosphere but have not been succeeding significantly.
I realise that this 'nervousness' is something within me, a creative spur, that is stopped from expressing itself due to a restrictive environment, or most likely my conscious thought process and self-limitations.
Have no idea what to expect as responses here. I want to get back to humanity and stop being 'repulsive' to people (my looks are mostly fine but the psychological/soul element is starting to show in my expression and approach). I want friends, I want a partner who I can cuddle with etc. (being upfront here?), I want to reach my potential in a career and I want to become truly independent and to stop being a puppet.
Thanks for reading, please ask any questions. :)
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