This is going to be a very long story, I am going to try my best to put it all out there without leaving anything behind, of course this would be easier if both parties were able to talk about this and a third party would be able to give insight but I do not believe right now my husband is ready for that. I truthfully don't think he is really ready for me to post anything online but I really need to find an outlook before I end up making moves that I really can regret.
January 2009 I was in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I was with this guy because I was in high school trying to get over my first love. I was a senior and thought that everything was going well for me but the fact that I had no one there to share "love" with. In February we broke it off because truthfully we getting on each others nerves and it wasn't really a relationship to begin with. I had made up so much from this one month relationship and even though he wasn't such a bad person and I did know him for a very long time it just all didn't work out. It is then when I had met my husband and we had really started to hang out more and more. I mean by February we were really talking on an everyday basis. He wasn't the type of guy that I would usually go for but there was something different about him and it got my attention. But for some odd reason for once in my life I didn't want to be in a relationship. He was very upfront on wanting to be with me but something a lways stopped me, it wasn't because of his looks frankly he was always attractive to me. But I really think that I was scared of being in that same place again, I was loving being single and not having to deal with anyone and not having to rely on anyone but yet being able to have guys come after me and say they like me. This went on for a few months on, he kept asking me on and I kept telling him I wasn't available, time after time I would make excuses for not wanting to be in a relationship with him. After a while we started hanging out everyday and it became noticeable that I was loving the attention he was giving me and I didn't want to let go of him. My mom started to notice that he was coming over everyday and while I didn't let anything happen she knew it was going to get some where. She was right, I started to catch feelings but yet still wanted to feel that attention that needing to be free and single. I still made up all the excuses and made him feel like he was un wanted. After a few times of hanging out it didn't feel the same anymore he was really awkward towards me and I only did one of the worst things I could of done. I pushed him away and told him to look for another girl. Well he looked and he found my best friend, now these two were my bests of friends. I trusted them both equally so you can say that I trusted my girl best friend with everything. Yes I did talk about him a lot and how much I liked him but how different I felt and everything I felt at the time.
They both ended up getting together and hooking up, I didn't know about them getting together from either of them. I found out by another friend of theirs that I truthfully never even talked to like that yet alone liked. I know this sounds so high school. They ended up having sex and of course I have no where to say anything because I wasn't his girl or anything. But I before knowing that they had had sex asked him to choose between me and her. Choose between the girl that he was hanging out with everyday or the girl that he had only known because of the girl he was hanging out with everyday. It is obvious that he chose me, and everything was good. We were finally together and then it hit me that I was so stupid for not being with him sooner. I had everything I had ever wanted in-front of me the whole time and all I did was make him wait and run into the arms of another girl. He had enlisted in the military and was soon to leave for boot camp. He had asked me to wait for him and I couldn't deny my feelings. I had fell deeply for him and I can truly say I was in love without knowing that I had loved him the whole time. I was too blind in wanting everything my way that I couldn't let destiny go on it's on path. I thought I knew everything and truthfully everything I did was wrong. After him leaving I started to isolate myself, I knew that this was going to be different I didn't want to go out with my friends, I didn't want to keep my guy friends around and truthfully the only thing that I wanted was to be with him. In a way I was still hurt from him and my best friend getting together behind my back and was even more hurt when I found out that they were in contact with each other when he was gone. She had that against me and always would find a way to rub it in my face. I knew something deeper was wrong because once she had found out that he asked me to marry him she became really attached to him. She had claimed before that he took her virginity but I being her best friend knew the truth because we had discussed this information in the past already. I then started to think about all the relationships I had seared for him and thought that maybe he would do the same for me, and wouldn't be talking to my best friend. But he didn't do that and no matter how many times I had asked him he still wouldn't give up that "friendship". She would tell him that she wanted to be with him and that he was making a mistake being with me. And yes I do have proof of everything I am saying. When he came back from his leave I found out about the "sex" they had. It blew right in-front of my face, not only did this man tell me that I should let things go before finding out about the sex but he told me I should give her another try and I believed him. In-front of all our friends, people that I have known for so long the truth came out, they had sex and I could tell by the look she would give him she was attached. And by the looks he would g ive her, he seemed like he wanted to be single and yet married at the same time if that makes sense.
After his leave we had moved away to a different state and he had yet still had that connection with her. He was texting and having relationships with her through the internet and phone. I felt so stupid to be by someone's side who had hurt me continuously lying to me. We would get into bad fights, so bad that it really did seem like we were on the verge of a divorce. It felt like what people were saying of us moving too fast onto this and not knowing what we were doing was all right. [[&& please do not let me get started on our family around us because that would make this even longer than what it needs to be.]] But even though I had taken my husband back for all his wrongs I knew that for a fact that he was the person that I wanted to wake up to everyday. He was the one that I wanted be there for me like he was every day that he would come over. I wanted him to be the king of my heart. I had been in love once before and was destroyed by that person because they let me down. This wasn't the same I knew for sure that I was going to fight and try my hardest to be with this person because I actually went out of my way to marry him for who he was.
After a few months we were still in arguments and he was still in connection with her and many other girls. I had found information about him talking to other girls and it hurt me. I confronted him and all we did was fight about it. I didn't help at all because any other argument we had I would throw the past in his face. We never moved on because we both didn't let each other move on. And he started going out more often without me, without even asking me if I wanted to tag along. He became distant and then it just went down hill, we were both in a depressed state and in the end it didn't help that my physical appearance was changing due to some birth control. I became what I thought disgusting in his eyes and he wasn't having sex with me. I know some of the things that I have said is what common known cheaters would do, but I put all this behind to be with this man to be with the person that I married and love deeply.
It seemed like no matter how hard I tried the pattern was still there, we would make up, he would then feel good and comfortable. Something would change within him, he then would go about it again and start talking to other girls, I would be noisy going through his things and I would throw it all in his face about everything I had discovered. This went on and off for about three years and while I can say we did have good times not all of those times were good for me. I was put in a very unstable place and had a hard time dealing with my feelings. He is the type of person that needs to talk about issues right there and then and gets over anything that he has done wrong very quickly. To me he hates the fact that he has done wrong and the constant reminder of it.
After three years of being together we had finally put each other in a place were we knew deep down that a divorce was where we were heading. And truthfully speaking part of me was absolutely scared of losing the person that I love with all my heart, but yet the other side of me was very relieved that it was all going to end...the pattern was done with and I would never be hurt again. He was soon to deploy and we had told each other that once he got back that was it we were done. In a way an unfortunate event that I don't think is unfortunate now happened, I got drunk and had unprotected sex with my husband. I got pregnant, and then just then everything had changed. I was scared, part of me didn't want to tell him that I was pregnant but I knew that was wrong and I would never have taken the right of him being a father. But I didn't want to tell him at all because I was terrified of what this meant, I knew he would then take back all the things he had said about not wanting t o be with me and we would make this work for the baby. && I was right, he acted like he was happy and that everything was good between us. We lived in a lie and told ourselves that everything was alright but I had yet dealt with all the feelings from before, with three years of built of anger and hurt feelings. He left for his deployment and I left to go back home just like we had planned to but now I had our baby growing inside of me. I was depressed and now only looking forward to having a baby. And while I felt like I was free because he wasn't around I felt horrible because the only person I wanted to be with was him. And yet I didn't know if he felt that same way. In the end we were still able to communicate a lot more than what we both thought we would. In a way it didn't help because he was stressed and all he ever did was put that stress on me. He would expect me to talk to him all the time but yet half the time I had nothing to say because I didn't get to know him t hroughout the three years. All of him I knew was someone who would come home after work and get ready to go out for the night and come home whenever the heck he wanted to. I have lived with someone and I didn't know much about them besides the fact that he hurt me countless times and he wasn't the same guy that he was when we first got together.
Throughout him being gone he made me really stressed and I began to really hate him. He would say the meanest things ever to me and then turn around and become so nice to me. I knew it was probably the deployment getting to him. But once he got back I found myself saying that maybe we both had a chance. I told him that I would give it my all and that no matter what I was going to do what was right for us as a family. In the end I stayed in the relationship, I had the chance to walk away but I didn't because I did what I felt was right. We moved back to the state we resided on began our lives as a couple. It actually felt right he wasn't partying as much and he was actually there for me throughout the rest of the pregnancy. It felt like for once I was in the relationship I deserved. I felt like the queen who had finally been put on her thrown. For the longest I had done whatever I needed to do to make him feel like a king. After my daughter was born I thought he was going to c hange; I thought everything was going to be different and it was going to be finally all about me and the baby but I was so wrong.
He had started the pattern but this time I didn't find out right away once it had started, instead I had found out six months after my child being born that he had started talking to other females. He started sending erotic e-mails to people he would meet off craigslist and other dating sites. He had lied about it all and the worst part of it all we were moving to another duty station in another country. Everything was packed the WHOLE HOUSE was in a crate ready to be transferred to another country. I found out the day before we were leaving out and it killed me. It killed me to know that nothing changed and that at the end of the day he lied to me once again. He had said some things that I have been trying so hard to forget but can't. He had even gone so far to tell these women that he was a single guy and yet that he wasn't allowed to see his kid because I wouldn't let him. Yet here I was thinking that everything was good for six months. And yes I can attest that I was one of those women who did everything for their kid. But I had felt that I needed to do this because throughout the whole pregnancy I felt very distant from the baby, I felt like deep down I didn't want to be pregnant because in a way I knew it would be the only reason we would still be together.
He hurt me and this time he had taken it very far, he knew exactly where I was and he did me so wrong. I wish I knew how to let things go but I can't because I don't know all the details to everything he had done in the past and yet part of me doesn't want to know. I keep wanting to do right and just let go of the past, but part of me just wants to lash out and tell him off.
Recently I have tried my best to let everything go and move on from our past but even in another country the pattern came along. He had gone back to the states because his grandmother was sick and yet he had one night of his adventures. He said nothing happened but I did find some text messages on his phone that I wouldn't have agreed upon. Even though I did believe on nothing happening the text messages hurt more than ever. He basically said that our marriage was easy to throw off and that he wanted to explore new avenues. Since then I have told him I was ready to move on and yet nothing...we have fought and yet still nothing has changed at all. He gives me everything I ever wanted yet needed materialistically. But when it comes to emotions with us, there's not much coming from him. He doesn't really show much affection towards me and when he does it has to be on his time. He can be very cold at times that I have tried to be affectionate towards him. He goes off on me very e asily and he has pushed me away more than ever. He always asks me why I am in this relationship and that I should just leave. He has told me before that he wishes he had a clean slate with someone else because I am the constant reminder of his wrong doings. I am so hurt that I don't know what to do anymore. I love this guy past all his flaws and his wrong doings. I was always brought up to fight for what you believed in and yet loved and he is what I love because in the end of the day he makes me believe in love. He makes me want to wake up next to him everyday. But what if part of me feels like he doesn't want the same yet alone what about all this...I just don't know where to start.
January 2009 I was in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I was with this guy because I was in high school trying to get over my first love. I was a senior and thought that everything was going well for me but the fact that I had no one there to share "love" with. In February we broke it off because truthfully we getting on each others nerves and it wasn't really a relationship to begin with. I had made up so much from this one month relationship and even though he wasn't such a bad person and I did know him for a very long time it just all didn't work out. It is then when I had met my husband and we had really started to hang out more and more. I mean by February we were really talking on an everyday basis. He wasn't the type of guy that I would usually go for but there was something different about him and it got my attention. But for some odd reason for once in my life I didn't want to be in a relationship. He was very upfront on wanting to be with me but something a lways stopped me, it wasn't because of his looks frankly he was always attractive to me. But I really think that I was scared of being in that same place again, I was loving being single and not having to deal with anyone and not having to rely on anyone but yet being able to have guys come after me and say they like me. This went on for a few months on, he kept asking me on and I kept telling him I wasn't available, time after time I would make excuses for not wanting to be in a relationship with him. After a while we started hanging out everyday and it became noticeable that I was loving the attention he was giving me and I didn't want to let go of him. My mom started to notice that he was coming over everyday and while I didn't let anything happen she knew it was going to get some where. She was right, I started to catch feelings but yet still wanted to feel that attention that needing to be free and single. I still made up all the excuses and made him feel like he was un wanted. After a few times of hanging out it didn't feel the same anymore he was really awkward towards me and I only did one of the worst things I could of done. I pushed him away and told him to look for another girl. Well he looked and he found my best friend, now these two were my bests of friends. I trusted them both equally so you can say that I trusted my girl best friend with everything. Yes I did talk about him a lot and how much I liked him but how different I felt and everything I felt at the time.
They both ended up getting together and hooking up, I didn't know about them getting together from either of them. I found out by another friend of theirs that I truthfully never even talked to like that yet alone liked. I know this sounds so high school. They ended up having sex and of course I have no where to say anything because I wasn't his girl or anything. But I before knowing that they had had sex asked him to choose between me and her. Choose between the girl that he was hanging out with everyday or the girl that he had only known because of the girl he was hanging out with everyday. It is obvious that he chose me, and everything was good. We were finally together and then it hit me that I was so stupid for not being with him sooner. I had everything I had ever wanted in-front of me the whole time and all I did was make him wait and run into the arms of another girl. He had enlisted in the military and was soon to leave for boot camp. He had asked me to wait for him and I couldn't deny my feelings. I had fell deeply for him and I can truly say I was in love without knowing that I had loved him the whole time. I was too blind in wanting everything my way that I couldn't let destiny go on it's on path. I thought I knew everything and truthfully everything I did was wrong. After him leaving I started to isolate myself, I knew that this was going to be different I didn't want to go out with my friends, I didn't want to keep my guy friends around and truthfully the only thing that I wanted was to be with him. In a way I was still hurt from him and my best friend getting together behind my back and was even more hurt when I found out that they were in contact with each other when he was gone. She had that against me and always would find a way to rub it in my face. I knew something deeper was wrong because once she had found out that he asked me to marry him she became really attached to him. She had claimed before that he took her virginity but I being her best friend knew the truth because we had discussed this information in the past already. I then started to think about all the relationships I had seared for him and thought that maybe he would do the same for me, and wouldn't be talking to my best friend. But he didn't do that and no matter how many times I had asked him he still wouldn't give up that "friendship". She would tell him that she wanted to be with him and that he was making a mistake being with me. And yes I do have proof of everything I am saying. When he came back from his leave I found out about the "sex" they had. It blew right in-front of my face, not only did this man tell me that I should let things go before finding out about the sex but he told me I should give her another try and I believed him. In-front of all our friends, people that I have known for so long the truth came out, they had sex and I could tell by the look she would give him she was attached. And by the looks he would g ive her, he seemed like he wanted to be single and yet married at the same time if that makes sense.
After his leave we had moved away to a different state and he had yet still had that connection with her. He was texting and having relationships with her through the internet and phone. I felt so stupid to be by someone's side who had hurt me continuously lying to me. We would get into bad fights, so bad that it really did seem like we were on the verge of a divorce. It felt like what people were saying of us moving too fast onto this and not knowing what we were doing was all right. [[&& please do not let me get started on our family around us because that would make this even longer than what it needs to be.]] But even though I had taken my husband back for all his wrongs I knew that for a fact that he was the person that I wanted to wake up to everyday. He was the one that I wanted be there for me like he was every day that he would come over. I wanted him to be the king of my heart. I had been in love once before and was destroyed by that person because they let me down. This wasn't the same I knew for sure that I was going to fight and try my hardest to be with this person because I actually went out of my way to marry him for who he was.
After a few months we were still in arguments and he was still in connection with her and many other girls. I had found information about him talking to other girls and it hurt me. I confronted him and all we did was fight about it. I didn't help at all because any other argument we had I would throw the past in his face. We never moved on because we both didn't let each other move on. And he started going out more often without me, without even asking me if I wanted to tag along. He became distant and then it just went down hill, we were both in a depressed state and in the end it didn't help that my physical appearance was changing due to some birth control. I became what I thought disgusting in his eyes and he wasn't having sex with me. I know some of the things that I have said is what common known cheaters would do, but I put all this behind to be with this man to be with the person that I married and love deeply.
It seemed like no matter how hard I tried the pattern was still there, we would make up, he would then feel good and comfortable. Something would change within him, he then would go about it again and start talking to other girls, I would be noisy going through his things and I would throw it all in his face about everything I had discovered. This went on and off for about three years and while I can say we did have good times not all of those times were good for me. I was put in a very unstable place and had a hard time dealing with my feelings. He is the type of person that needs to talk about issues right there and then and gets over anything that he has done wrong very quickly. To me he hates the fact that he has done wrong and the constant reminder of it.
After three years of being together we had finally put each other in a place were we knew deep down that a divorce was where we were heading. And truthfully speaking part of me was absolutely scared of losing the person that I love with all my heart, but yet the other side of me was very relieved that it was all going to end...the pattern was done with and I would never be hurt again. He was soon to deploy and we had told each other that once he got back that was it we were done. In a way an unfortunate event that I don't think is unfortunate now happened, I got drunk and had unprotected sex with my husband. I got pregnant, and then just then everything had changed. I was scared, part of me didn't want to tell him that I was pregnant but I knew that was wrong and I would never have taken the right of him being a father. But I didn't want to tell him at all because I was terrified of what this meant, I knew he would then take back all the things he had said about not wanting t o be with me and we would make this work for the baby. && I was right, he acted like he was happy and that everything was good between us. We lived in a lie and told ourselves that everything was alright but I had yet dealt with all the feelings from before, with three years of built of anger and hurt feelings. He left for his deployment and I left to go back home just like we had planned to but now I had our baby growing inside of me. I was depressed and now only looking forward to having a baby. And while I felt like I was free because he wasn't around I felt horrible because the only person I wanted to be with was him. And yet I didn't know if he felt that same way. In the end we were still able to communicate a lot more than what we both thought we would. In a way it didn't help because he was stressed and all he ever did was put that stress on me. He would expect me to talk to him all the time but yet half the time I had nothing to say because I didn't get to know him t hroughout the three years. All of him I knew was someone who would come home after work and get ready to go out for the night and come home whenever the heck he wanted to. I have lived with someone and I didn't know much about them besides the fact that he hurt me countless times and he wasn't the same guy that he was when we first got together.
Throughout him being gone he made me really stressed and I began to really hate him. He would say the meanest things ever to me and then turn around and become so nice to me. I knew it was probably the deployment getting to him. But once he got back I found myself saying that maybe we both had a chance. I told him that I would give it my all and that no matter what I was going to do what was right for us as a family. In the end I stayed in the relationship, I had the chance to walk away but I didn't because I did what I felt was right. We moved back to the state we resided on began our lives as a couple. It actually felt right he wasn't partying as much and he was actually there for me throughout the rest of the pregnancy. It felt like for once I was in the relationship I deserved. I felt like the queen who had finally been put on her thrown. For the longest I had done whatever I needed to do to make him feel like a king. After my daughter was born I thought he was going to c hange; I thought everything was going to be different and it was going to be finally all about me and the baby but I was so wrong.
He had started the pattern but this time I didn't find out right away once it had started, instead I had found out six months after my child being born that he had started talking to other females. He started sending erotic e-mails to people he would meet off craigslist and other dating sites. He had lied about it all and the worst part of it all we were moving to another duty station in another country. Everything was packed the WHOLE HOUSE was in a crate ready to be transferred to another country. I found out the day before we were leaving out and it killed me. It killed me to know that nothing changed and that at the end of the day he lied to me once again. He had said some things that I have been trying so hard to forget but can't. He had even gone so far to tell these women that he was a single guy and yet that he wasn't allowed to see his kid because I wouldn't let him. Yet here I was thinking that everything was good for six months. And yes I can attest that I was one of those women who did everything for their kid. But I had felt that I needed to do this because throughout the whole pregnancy I felt very distant from the baby, I felt like deep down I didn't want to be pregnant because in a way I knew it would be the only reason we would still be together.
He hurt me and this time he had taken it very far, he knew exactly where I was and he did me so wrong. I wish I knew how to let things go but I can't because I don't know all the details to everything he had done in the past and yet part of me doesn't want to know. I keep wanting to do right and just let go of the past, but part of me just wants to lash out and tell him off.
Recently I have tried my best to let everything go and move on from our past but even in another country the pattern came along. He had gone back to the states because his grandmother was sick and yet he had one night of his adventures. He said nothing happened but I did find some text messages on his phone that I wouldn't have agreed upon. Even though I did believe on nothing happening the text messages hurt more than ever. He basically said that our marriage was easy to throw off and that he wanted to explore new avenues. Since then I have told him I was ready to move on and yet nothing...we have fought and yet still nothing has changed at all. He gives me everything I ever wanted yet needed materialistically. But when it comes to emotions with us, there's not much coming from him. He doesn't really show much affection towards me and when he does it has to be on his time. He can be very cold at times that I have tried to be affectionate towards him. He goes off on me very e asily and he has pushed me away more than ever. He always asks me why I am in this relationship and that I should just leave. He has told me before that he wishes he had a clean slate with someone else because I am the constant reminder of his wrong doings. I am so hurt that I don't know what to do anymore. I love this guy past all his flaws and his wrong doings. I was always brought up to fight for what you believed in and yet loved and he is what I love because in the end of the day he makes me believe in love. He makes me want to wake up next to him everyday. But what if part of me feels like he doesn't want the same yet alone what about all this...I just don't know where to start.
Put the internet to work for you.
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