Divorce possible, Cant handle it :(

OK, where do I begin??? I have been reading posts on this forum for a week or so now. My wife and I recently "separated" she said she initially wanted a trial separation and now looks like its going to a divorce only after 5 or 6 days of her telling me about the trial sep. Here is a rough abridged version of the details. Married 5 years, together 9, 2 kids 4 and 2. My wife has had issues with my porn watching and I always felt like it was just a normal thing, she would watch and look with me before. I did do something EXTREMELY stupid months ago and got caught. I never thought of it as "really bad" when doing it, although she said she felt it was bad. (I know im not the smartest man) I was looking at a cam site and talking to the girls on there. Pictures were exchanged of me and I saved some pics form amateur sites. My wife found out about this and I denied it until I was slapped with the reality, she had proof. I was just so embarrassed and I felt so tiny so i thought deny deny. BIG MISTAKE!!. I was so lost and felt dumb, why did i do that????? We sorta eventually moved on and we have other issues in our marriage as well. She tried getting me into counseling before but i always denied the issues. We eventually went to a counselor and started doing some good. I still felt awkward though. Not fully wanting to understand the ramifications.I think i was to proud and embarrassed to fully admit i had issues.I always thought i was put together and stuff. I failed at a couple of my counseling homework assignments and felt so dumb for it but had to try to justify my way out of it. I feel like I have taken my wife for granted and dont know if I could ever get her back. She also says I dont have respect for her, which is weird because I do but I dont show it. I feel like I was competing with her in someways because if she was acknowledged as being smart etc that she would see me for me and know I didnt really have it all together. I am also coming to the cold harsh reality that I think I am addicted to porn. I have no other vices or addictions what so ever so this is new and scary to me. It terrifies me, embarrasses me and makes me realize the mistakes I have made in my marriage. I couldnt admit it before because I felt like it would mean I was broken and a possible loss. My wife has been gone for a week and in that week I was reading soooooo many articles, forums, websites, books etc talking with mom and dad(Who know me in ways i never thought). I feel like I have had a true epiphany or an aha moment and came up with a lot of answers that I never had while going to counseling. We eventually stopped going because we felt like the person wasnt working for us. I want to go to another one but she does not now. I am now going on my own and going to dive into the porn addiction thing and find the root of its evil. I think the reason I couldnt be as intimate with my wife was because of it. I was afraid of expressing this to her for the fear she would leave me. I now realize that suppressing it and now acknowledging it has truly made me realize my errors. I have a problem and want it fixed. (hopefully with my wife someday) I tried stating to my wife options of how I would eliminate the pron but not that I actually had a problem, although she always felt I have. I am going to be doing these things for me but I dont want her gone. I dont want my family ripped apart. It is crazy how rock bottom can truly wake you up, im terrified that it might be to late :(. She says shes given me plenty of chances and I just over looked them and didnt do what was needed. I understand how hard I dropped the ball. She says the marriage is over and is not even willing to let me try to show her that I am sorry and want this all to work. I want to change my behaviors but I didnt know how to before. I told her I am done trying and only want to do now. I couldnt solve issues before without the proper answers and now I feel like I am acquiring the tools to fix these issues I have had. I dont know how to get my wife to see my sincerity with me wanting to fix these issues now. She says its to late. How can it ever be to late with 2 kids and a family. I have never been this deep before and I know I dont want to be again or ever. She is so special and amazing to me and I want to do everything I can to show her how much I respect, care, and appreciate who she is as a person. I just dont think I will be afforded that opportunity and it hurts my soul. She is being more cold towards me and its breaking my heart. I feel like I have the answers now but her sentiment is what if I cant turn around how I feel. I just want an opportunity for the both of us, so i can show her and that I really do mean what I say, although because of past issues she has lost trust and respect with me. I am tired of not actually trying to fix the root of the problems. I have taken my marriage for granted and fully understand that now. Man this has turned into a novel so for those of you reading it all thank you! I just want to adjust our marriage and make it more fufilling and better for not only us first but the kids. Being a single dad terrifies me. My wife is a stay at home mom and thats what she loves she is also an awesome om, I cannot deal with my kids not being around. Anyone have any advice? My soul hurts everyday.. :....(

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