borderline personality disorder., why couldnt I realize it sooner

Hello all. Ive always felt like a bad person that overly thinks and dramatizes everything. Ive always tried to control my exhusband and our marriage. I thought I was justified in doing so because of all infidelities that had occurred to me. Long story short we had 17 years of ups n downs ., together three kids 18-10, seperated for three more years when I had one of my many outbursts of anger and threw him out of the house. While separated I couldn't deal and begged him back for the sake of the kids and me. But recently in January ive discovered he has a love child with the person he had an emotional affair while we were still married. He got very close to someone he thought he would never have a sexual relationship with which has broken his own family apart. He has had several infidelities but I now know we will never be. Now I see that I had many issues that I never dealt with like the emotional abuse of a traumatic childhood., I am also very antisocial only have a couple of girlfriends whom i go out dancing and drinking with. I was partying the whole summer but realized it wasnt helping me cope. Now i have more events that I feel have been detrimental to my outlook on life. W Why couldn't I see my own mental impairments that have contributed to an unsuccessful marriage? How do I move forward? I became very depressed when we separated n started medication but when he came back I started feeling a little better and stopped the meds. I do feel depressed but don't wanna deal with the side effects. I don't want to project any of my issues on my kids but I am afraid I already have. I feel very emotionally detached from them and I try hard to cook and clean and i also work a full time job. BPD sounds scary and makes me feel like there is no hope in changing the way I am. I haven't received a diagnosis but Its scary how much it describes the way I am. My sister is bipolar and my mom refuses she has any mental issues

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